Mini road trip and my particular affection for this guy.
Saturday, 10/24/09 - 10:11 pm.

I got a call from D this morning. He was asking if we were still up for today. He said he had to go celebrate a friend's birthday by having lunch at the beach and I could go with him. I thought about it and I refused, being my typical old self. And being my typical old self, I didn't say no to him right away. "We'll talk later", at noon.

After hours and hours of thought during the morning, I said, what the hell. Go for it. Let's do it. Don't be your old self. You're scared of what your parents may think, you're scared because this country is really dangerous...that's why you don't want to go. But fuck it all. Go out, have fun.

So he met me at a parking lot, and I followed him to his house in my car. Two of his friends were already there, a boy and a girl, and the girl, like D, went to high school with me so I knew who she was. We got in D's car and we picked up another girl, a friend of the three of them. And we headed for the beach.

Long story short: it was GREAT. The weather was crazy, sunny, cloudy, would change by the minute. Clouds would come and go. We didn't go to the beach per se, we just ate at one of those restaurants by the seashore. It was hot as hell, but the view was pretty. The place was very small and there was a bunch of drunk guys that I feared at first, but they were pretty much in their drunken world and didn't cause any trouble.

I realized something about D: I'm still attracted to him. But I don't love him, not like that. I just feel like making out (*cough* and maybe more) with him and continue being casual friends. In retrospective, maybe these are the same feelings I had for him in high school, but being a teenager and knowing nothing of what I know now, maybe I just confused this attraction with "being in love". Riding in his car, being next to him, kinda made me wish he was my boyfriend. But it's just that I miss having such intimacy with someone. He's not my type, really. And he's as flirty with me as he is with any other girl.

I have to thank him, though, for being so thoughtful and inviting me. After all, we hadn't seen each other in years and these friends are engineers, like he is, so they shared a background. I was like an outsider. I even though it was really funny, because at our university (and maybe in general) there's a lot of friction, because students of engineering careers look down on us psychologist students. But I digress. Actually, they were very interested in how a clinical psychologist works and asked a lot of good questions about what I do.

So I was out of the house from 2 to 7ish. I had a wonderful time. This is the first time I've done this, it's hard to believe. For people my age, going out like this, on mini road trips, it's just a routine. This was new to me.

I'm exhausted. Lighthouse must be playing right now but I do not regret the decision of not going. Skeleton Guy was going to the beach today, we must've been close. But he was going to be the sound engineer for some concert. He invited me but he was coming back to the city tomorrow. He takes every opportunity to show his interest in me and I'm sorry because I can't reciprocate. I know I'd like a boyfriend, a serious one, someone to build with what I once had with Joseph (although that's hard to top and I fear I'll never have that again). But that doesn't mean I'll take just anyone. It'd be very dishonest if I hooked up with Skeleton Guy.

Speaking of not just anyone, it seems that my affective priority right now is JC. It's a strange situation. I'm in love with him but not in the traditional way. I remember I once read in one of Erich Fromm's books that in the western culture, if you see a beautiful flower in a wall, you cut it and take it with you; in the eastern culture, you appreciate it the same but out of respect for it, you leave it untouched; you don't need to own it. I hope I'm not distorting the story but I'm pretty sure that was the bottom line.

So the same goes with JC, I guess. Everyday I think I like him but the fact that he has a girlfriend keeps me from falling for him. I respect her, I respect him, I respect myself enough to keep myself from pulling a Mrs Smith (Joseph's wife) in any way. I love him, sometimes he drives me nuts with the things he says or does; I mouth "I love you" when he makes me laugh over the phone. But...if this is as good as our relationship is going to get, so be it. He's an incredible, smart, hilarious boy and just the fact that he thinks so highly of me and runs to me when he needs someone to talk to or get some advice it's more than enough.

I was falling asleep last night when he called me at 11. We talked for 55 minutes and we would have continued but his credit ran out (and I'm covered by his cell phone plan, so a typical $10 phone call to me costs him about 57 cents...neat, huh?). He called me to tell me that his dad got him a kite (hahaha, aaawww), because we'd been talking about flying kites a few days ago, with the windy weather and stuff. Then we talked about many things, including our families. And I thought how much I'd love to bring him home and for him to meet my family; especially because my extended family is very close and he wishes his was the same. It was a rather strange thing to think of.

He's like this guy in that old TV show that I loved to watch, "Clarissa Explains It All". Her best friend Sam used to climb up to her bedroom using a ladder, in a rather random fashion. They never dated (they did in an episode and it was too awkward), they were just best friends...Ugh, I'm using a TV show for teenagers to describe my relationship with JC. Forget it. No, wait...however, I'd believe that my prayers were answered, because I always wished for a Sam.

And JC just called me to tell me about something incredibly funny and outrageous that happened to him today. Also, we're meeting tomorrow for coffee at 10 am. I can't wait.

It's been such a good day, man.

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