I think I'm a victim of classical conditioning.
Tuesday, 10/27/09 - 7:50 pm.

My friend Angel says one of two things can happen: either JC and I end up together, or one of us ends up hurt. I'm afraid it'll be the latter, I'm afraid it'll be me.

One of these days I realized my relationship with JC seems innocent and harmless because there's no flirting. We're like brother and sister. He's two years younger than me so perhaps I see him like a little brother. I keep trying to figure out what my real feelings for him are, though, because sometimes it feels like a crush and other times like he's just one of my best friends (and this, he is).

My friend Victor1 called me last night just to chat. On a side note, he's great to talk on the phone to. Anyway, he's a very reasonable man so he warned me, as Angel did. He knows I'm very aware of my feelings and of my thoughts. But things are not going to be like this all the time. Say, what's going to happen to me if/when JC stops calling me everyday? I hope to God he never stops doing that, but it's a possibility. For one reason or another, this may stop. With the kind of closeness we have, we'll either get closer or we'll drift apart. And he has a girlfriend, so I'm afraid it would be the latter. Again.

He hasn't called me today. I was waiting for his phone call at certain hours of the day but he didn't call. Oh, but I know why. He had an important midterm (I miss taking midterms, I'm such a nerd) today, as I'm writing this, actually. And he started to study for it yesterday, and for that I would have slapped him! It's a very important subject. And today he had case review from 8 to 12 and a workshop at a public school from 2 to 5. Then midterm at 6:30. He'd have to stay up at night and read today at lunch and before the exam, but I don't know if that should be enough time to cover it all. And dear Lord, isn't it lame that I know his schedule? And that I know that he falls asleep quickly just about anywhere?

I was saying. He hasn't called me today, and I'm a little...I miss him. I miss my friends when I don't talk to them for a couple of days, but I'm missing him in a more dangerous way. Which is what Victor1 said may happen the way things are going. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, eh? And it has been less than 24 hours since we last spoke, when he called me...to touch base, I guess, because he had nothing to tell me other than he was ready to study. The thing is, it's been a while since we've gone 24 hours without talking. Damn you, classical conditioning.

Ok, here's the deal: I'm confused. I know there's nothing to be confused about. I know very well what shaky grounds I'm standing on and I know my boundaries; I know there are things I should not even wish for regarding JC. You know how it is: once you start liking someone, you want that someone to like you back the same. That must not happen, I must not start liking him that way, because he's taken. I know all that. But I feel confused nonetheless. No, wait...I don't feel confused. I feel vulnerable.

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