Awkward moments of small truths.
Monday, 11/02/09 - 11:59 pm.

Yesterday was awesome. I went to JC's house to play Wii with him and the other Prefrontals. I was the first one to arrive, past 11 am, and he and I went to two friends' houses to get Wiimotes so all of us could play.

It was just the two of us for a while, playing and talking in his bedroom. Then Monica and Orlando showed up. Gustavo couldn't make it. Anyway, it was so much fucking fun. We ordered pizza and played the day away. You had four suckers shaking the wiimotes brutally to see whose snail would make it to the goal first.

I also had the chance to check JC's drumset, and since Orlando's a drummer, he set it up nicely. Then I saw pictures when JC was a child and an accomplished swimmer. It was nearly seven hours of pure awesomeness for the four of us.

When I was leaving, after Orlando and Monica had just taken off, JC told me to wait for him. He went back into the house and brought his drumsticks. He gave them to me. I told this to my friend Angel today and he just replied: don't fool yourself, the guy loves you.

I received text messages from JC last night. And this morning. Today was a holiday so I just stayed home. I'm still high from all the fun I had with him this weekend: friday night, saturday afternoon/night, half of sunday...I didn't expect anything from today. I needed to rest a little and I figured he had a life other than being with me. It was a calm day, but I felt the difference: today, I missed him. I felt like sending him a few messages, but the line about him having a life (AND a girlfriend) stuck with me.

We've been talking tonight. I won't even bother describing the chemistry we have. He told me again about how he'd noticed me when he first started in the university, and he didn't know I was studying psychology. Some time later he saw me in the cubicle. In general, I perceive a lot of appreciation from him. He listens to what I say and brings it up at the right time, all the time. To him, I stand out from the crowd. That's a huge ego boost, especially coming from him.

Yesterday and today, I've been trying to be at peace with the fact that we're just friends. I've told a few close friends about my feelings for him, and when I explain the case, they say I shouldn't worry about his girlfriend and go for it if I have the chance. But I do worry about her, because she loves him very much. Although I'm pretty sure that if she was to leave the picture it wouldn't be solely because of me.

In fact, being in this situation has reminded me about what happened regarding Joseph and his wife. I've never blamed her, really, because I've been aware that she didn't take him away from me. He decided to leave me and that's all. Her timing was just painfully perfect and she took advantage of it, while also spitting on my face. That doesn't mean, of course, that I'd be able to speak to him again. I'm ok with the way things were and have been, it is what it is and I've made the most ouf of all this hurt. But he remains as my biggest failure, in the sense that I couldn't keep him by my side. I can't stand it, I still get some kind of stomachache and a knot in my throat, if I let myself.

But anyway. We were having a great conversation until we started to talk about christmas and he mentioned what he usually does on the holidays. One of the activities being, of course, spending time with his girlfriend. And it crushed me, man. It just crushed me. And yet, I kept him talking about her, because this is the reality. So I learned she's the sister of a high school friend of his and their 3rd anniversary is on december 26th.

Screw it. Fuck this shit. What I have with him is good enough. I always wished for a friend like him, right? Right. I'm pretty sure there are entries in this diary, from the early days, when I hoped for someone like him. And this kind of tension between us...or at least the tension I feel towards him, it's kinda nice.

Ok, actually...he's confessed that he likes me. Or that he used to like me. That when he noticed me in the university, he was interested in knowing who I was. And during our conversation, it kinda slipped to him that I have a pretty name. Awkward moments of small truths, and I smile sadly because he remains taken.

And I understand, really. I remember falling in love with Joe while I was with Joseph. For a while I thought of breaking up with him, even if Joe wasn't into me; I felt like I was cheating on Joseph just by having strong feelings for somebody else. I didn't think it was fair. But...even if I thought about breaking up with Joseph, I didn't do it. It's not easy leaving someone you love, someone you've dedicated years to.

So I've made a pact with myself. If I hear he's calling it quits with his girlfriend (why lie, even if I feel like crap about this, part of me wishes for it), then I can begin to hope. But that's his decision. And in the meantime, he's just an awesome friend that I secretely want to nail.

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