Wednesday, 11/04/09 - 3:46 pm.
JC came to my workplace yesterday. Any friend of mine in these circumstances would have done the same: he'd lent me a few papers on the brain and he needed them back. I forgot to give them back over the weekend (have in mind we saw each other for three days straight) and he forgot I had them (loser). Still, it was a huge deal for me, the fact that he drove here at noon. My workplace was unusually packed with coworkers so we couldn't talk much, but I had the chance to stand next to him while I asked him some things about the documents and...well, my biology went nuts.
At night, we talked again, from 10 pm to 1 am. Needless to say, right now I'd love to go home and take a nap. But he's worth it, man. We made a pact, that this morning, whoever woke up first would text the other one and mock him/her. I was slightly conscious at 5:45 am, but he beat me. He didn't mock me, he only said he wasn't sure he was conscious enough to know what he was typing. Then we texted back and forth while we were getting ready, since both had to be working at 8, me at work, him at his biological basis of behavior discussion. He's an instructor of that subject, and by the way, traditionally, the male instructors of this subject are heartthrobs and the object of desire for many female students. JC is not the exception.
At this point in our story, I have to say I feel like he's my boyfriend. We don't have physical contact, but the rest of the interaction is there. We've been texting all day today, until I ran out of credit. And it's not corny stuff, it's stuff that has made us both get caught in public laughing to ourselves.
People I've told about this thing with JC are rooting for me. I still feel bad for his girlfriend, but my feelings for him have gotten so intense that by now I don't even care that much. This makes me feel like a sucker, because the very first thing I said I wouldn't do, to ever pull a Mrs Smith on any other female, is the very first thing I'm doing. I'm either being functionally rational or I am making up excuses to cover my flaws, but I tend to think these things happen. I think Joseph was in his right to pursue romantic horizons beyond me if it pleased his fancy; it hurts like hell for me, but it also makes me realize there is, as Valerie once said, nothing inherently wrong with me. I don't condone breaking someone's heart by running off with somebody else , but also, that doesn't mean it's the end of the world for the heartbroken, let alone that it's proof that he/she is worthless. Joseph and his wife and JC are teaching me this.
This noon, I met up for lunch with my lovely friend Lorena, for her birthday. I told her briefly about my feelings for JC and the fact that he has a girlfriend and she said: no, no, no; if the guy has a girlfriend, leave it alone. I mean, you can fuck him, but having feelings for him and getting in the way between him and his girlfriend, that's forbidden territory. It made me chuckle. It was a different point of view, and a funny one at that (I guess...).
My last text to JC was to let him know that I was running out out of credit, and I took a subtle step: you steal my credit, you steal my sleep.... Among other things that are pretty much irrelevant. A few nights ago, I was telling him that being awoken by a phone ringing gives me tachycardia. He said he'd try not to call me while I'm asleep so he wouldn't cause that. I was thisclose to tell him that he didn't need to wake me up in order to cause it. But I refrained. I refuse to take the lead and be agressive, as my friend Angel calls it, maybe in a silly effort to say I'm not actively getting in the way of his relationship. Oh, but I am. I don't feel guilty about this, though, because it takes two, and these two seem to have found that they like each other very, very much and that there's nothing wrong with that. I don't feel guilty, but I do feel very bad for being, potentially or really, part of the reason of someone's heartbreak.
JC texted me back a while ago, saying he'd make up for the things he's stolen from me [and insert here an in-joke we have]. And said I have something to tell you. I don't *imagine* what it is, as much as I *hope* what it could be. What I am certain of by now, is that I'm crazy about him.
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