"My left brain knows that all love is fleeting" (but is a sucker for lunch invitations).
Thursday, 11/05/09 - 4:49 pm.

Here's what JC had to tell me yesterday: his girlfriend asked him to talk to him. I'll make our online 45-minute-long conversation about this short: they didn't break up; she is very hurt but willing to give it another try; he's moved by guilt and physical attraction but he's 99% sure that he wants the relationship to end. What comforts me is that this has nothing to do with me. They've been bottling things up for about six months. Also, it makes me happy that I was being a good, neutral, rational friend, asking him questions to make him think carefully what he wanted to do...whatever that was.

We talked about things other than the possible break-up, and the conversation as a whole lasted four hours. Again, we failed and went to bed until 1 am. Now, as he was talking to me about his girlfriend, I noticed how I was starting to feel sad. I've been warned about this, I'm in for a heartbreak. I've had such a rush these days because of JC that a change of pace in our interaction makes my world crumble. It didn't last long, though, because then we got back to having an awesome talk. Yeah, yeah, it's not nice that my mood depends on what somebody else does or does not, but such is the way he's been occupying my mind lately.

He said he'd be around my neighborhood today at noon, so we could go for lunch. I got all high-school-girlish when he told me this. On top of everything, I doubted that he'd be just "passing by" my neighborhood, because these are not his whereabouts. But anyway, who was I to say no to such invitation? I didn't think I'd see him today and I did. That means a lot to me.

So he came at noon into my office, wearing his Mario 3 hoodie...he's so cute, man. I didn't think he'd come in, I thought he'd wait for me outside in his car. Lunch was fun, as everything with him is. My uncle (my mom's brother) was there and we said hi to him. I love this uncle, and it just so happens that he's visiting the country and he's so cool and I wanted JC to meet him; guess I got my wish, huh? Anyway, we didn't talk about his girlfriend. We already talked about it and the rest is something he has to figure out by himself.

He drove me back to my office and has been texting me during the afternoon. I'm high, of course. But you know, I'm being more cautious today. After hearing some advice from people who know how deep I am in this, it's the least I can do. I'm trying to control my feelings for him. I'm trying to let go, I'm trying to see him as a friend. I'm telling myself we'll probably amount to nothing in the end, because...well, that's the story of my life: (1) the boy and I build an amazing conection; (2) I get excited and hopeful; (3) he starts to put some distance between us for one reason or another; (4) I end up alone and dissapointed.

I don't know what he thinks of all this. If he's aware of what's going on between us, if for him something is going on at all. All evidence points out that there is. He has even told me that he's been strangely happy lately and tells me it's because we've been having a lot of fun together. In any case, I have to remain calm, because either way, I'm not winning: he remains with her, epic fail for me. He breaks up with her, he needs time to heal and I refuse to be a rebound.

But I'm ok, you know? I'm in this fully aware of the potential harmful consequences of falling in love with someone under JC's circumstances. And I'm willing to take the risk, he's worth it. It's better to say "at least I tried". It makes me feel more in control: I did what I could. And if I end up with a broken heart, I'll do an atrocious effort to control my thoughts and move on (the effort doesn't guarantee my success, but again, it's best to give it a try).

Side note: last night I was talking to Art over matters that are irrelevant to this diary, and he mentioned he'd been talking to Joseph, because he works at a call center and Art's brother needed a job. Art began with I probably shouldn't tell you this but.... Of course it hit me hard, to the point of making me anxious and tearful. I don't mind Art talking to him, their friendship is none of my business; and it's nice that Joseph was able to help him out with the interview. It's just that the mention of Joseph hurts me and I still can't quite put my finger on the exact cognitions that cause me to hurt. It's more of a visceral response, I guess. Classical conditioning FTW.

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