Saturday, 12/05/09 - 10:52 pm.
[Fuck, this turned out to be quite a long entry. Sorry. I'm just crazy about him.]
Since our first kiss on wednesday night until we met again on friday night, an eternity went by. But we talked a lot in the meantime, and this time it was about us. Sure, the usual random topics were present, but things have changed since wednesday. For the better.
I shall skip the details of our conversations, for the sake of an audience-friendly entry, but it was amazing learning all the things that went through JC's head these past six months. Now, I was aware of my feelings about him since day one. I was a little curious about him since the very first day we got in touch, and then we grew closer and closer, until I realized I had a crush on him. We simply had a very unique connection.
On the other hand, he wasn't fully aware that he liked me, until one morning he woke up and looked back on his behaviors towards me, and asked himself, "man, what's up with this?". He liked me a lot, but he wasn't conscious about it. He was showing he was interested in me even before he knew he was interested.
There's the issue of keeping our relationship a secret for the time being...or rather, not having one, officially. He appreciates the fact that I've understood very well the situation with his ex-girlfriend and I've been cautious. I know there are rumours about us circulating among our social networks (his, mine and ours), but I'm hoping his ex won't hear those, or at least not until she's recovered a little. Rumours must be denied.
As I suspected, he was taking his time with me, and neither of us wanted to rush things. In retrospective, JC and I have been drooling heavily over each other for maybe two months, but we kept it from each other. Now we have to keep it from the world, at least until things cool down, and that'll take a couple of months at least. Some people still think he's dating his ex. I don't want to cause this girl any more pain than she is already going through; I don't want him to be seen as the bad guy that dumped his sweet girlfriend of years for somebody else; I don't want to be considered the cause of their break-up, because I'm not.
We've addressed other topics, like our age. It sounds silly by now, but we did think about this, separately. He's two years younger than me and it was a little strange to think about us being together, because he was used to dating younger girls and I was used to dating older guys. It felt right like that, maybe because we were thinking the automatic, traditional way about boys and girls: boy must be older, thus wiser and more able to care for the girl. We both have realized this (that's the good thing about studying the same career). I know we're in slightly different stages in life; I got my degree a year ago, he'll get his a year from now. We're over the age thing now, but it's funny to notice these type of barriers that we build ourselves.
So anyway. I was anxiously waiting for him last night. It'd been a long, slow day. He came at 10 pm because he was working at a classmate's house and they'd never finish their paper. I opened the door, said hi to him and he kissed me. Fuck, you have no idea how frustrated I'd been all day, and how impatient I was to kiss him again.
We made out a little in my living room, because my parents weren't home, but they'd arrive shortly after. They came and found him here, but I wanted them to see him. I didn't handle PR between my family and Joseph well and instead I hid Joseph. I will not make the same mistake twice. And now I have the advantage that JC has a more responsible, long-term vision of his life and also fits easily in my family's mindframe (i.e. his sense of humour ressembles the one of my siblings...you have no idea how much I value that, because my siblings crack me up). He left at nearly 11 pm, and saying goodbye to him is really hard. I could kiss him until my lips bled.
He came to my house this afternoon, and brought me a pizza his mom made. He came into my room and we played Nintendo, but my parents didn't like that. When I got out to bring JC some water, my dad stopped me and told me with a nasty, angry face that he didn't like me having him in my bedroom. I have arguments against their conservatism, but as my friend Angel says, you have to pick your battles. They're my parents, I live under their roof (even if they say it's my roof, too), I can't change their way of thinking, I don't want to fight with them, and I want them to accept JC. So I told JC to go for coffee, to Monica's coffeehouse, and maybe we'd find her there.
Outside my house, in his car, we made out again before he started the engine. And actually, I was happy to leave the house, because that's where my SuperEgo (namely my set of parents) lives, and I didn't feel free to kiss him. I told him so. And then we'd make out every time the traffic lights were red.
Monica was at the coffeehouse, but she was busy studying so we didn't see her; she remained behind the counter. We ordered a slice of key lime pie and ice coffee and we talked about us again, still in awe over how things have evolved.
We're staying at a cabin next week, and we discussed how silly it was that we came up with such idea -going to the mountain and renting a cabin for the weekend- while considering ourselves friends. Friends don't do that, for the love of God. We had our key lime pie cut in half and he separated them with the fork, to show how awkwardly apart we would have been sleeping in the cabin; then he stuck the fork in one of the halves: this is how I'd have spent the night.
We held hands under the table and we'd kiss from time to time. I don't remember having this attraction for Joseph, not when we started dating; perhaps Joseph did but I was such a little girl then, afraid of sex and PDAs. JC and I have a lot of passion for each other, and it's funny to think we had all this bottled up for months. I told him how when we were learning to dance, I'd have had an erection if I'd been a guy. His reply was: honey, if only you knew....
He says he'll buy a photo album to keep all the drawings I give him. It's just so awesome that someone values what you love doing. I'll do the same, because he's given me a few papers with the most hilarious things. Today he gave me a poem he named "failure", and every paragraph was about how he wanted to write me a poem but he was afraid it may come out as a tale, a joke, a fable, whatever, and something may go wrong. It's so incredibly clever, funny and cute that it makes me giggle and cry (seriously!) at the same time. And one of the best text messages he sent me says: In this occasion I want to thank your ancestors [parents] for encoding in your genotype such beautiful lips. I died, man. Come on, "genotype"!
Monica caught us when I was caressing his arm, and I think she'd be really happy to know that we're together. But all in its due time. I can bring JC more easily into my social circle, because we wouldn't be judged. My friends, my close friends, know the story of JC and I, and know that the variables of (1) us getting together and (2) him breaking up with his girlfriend, are a function of correlation and not causality.
When he brought me home after having coffee, he parked far away from my house, and I thought he got confused. No. We're not in your house, and he proceeded to kiss me again. Like I mentioned, when we left the house I'd said we couldn't make out when we were there. That's why he parked far away. He pays attention to details and makes the most of them.