Let's join the circus, Simeon.
Friday, 09/06/02 - 12:43 pm.

Hi, I am home from school because today I was not supposed to go. I don't know why, they said high school people had friday off. Maybe they do realize that one more day of class after 4 rough days of exams would be a disgrace. I for one would have had a stroke.

Sometimes I wish I could disappear. That one day people at school would notice I'm absent, would try to call home and would get a message saying that such telephone number does not exist. That the next day I was absent again and no one knew anything about me. They'd come over and they'd find other people living in my house, with no news on where the people who used to live here went.

And so, they'd never hear from me nor my family again.

I used to love being at home. I used to be comfortable with my routine. But not anymore. I am sick. Sick of this. I want to change, I want to get away, I want something new, I want to do something exciting. I want to go new places, I want to meet new people and finally get over Denver (I still cry sometimes, and now, for a dumb but justified reason, I consider him a cruel person).

I want to be something else. Somebody else.

Some time ago, I could spend days in my bedroom, only going out to have my meals (and be on the computer when I got internet access). But now I can't stand such prison, I can't shut in for more than 15 minutes without getting a headache and glancing desperately outside my window. I don't like to be out of my bedroom either, because...dammit, there's nothing to do around the house. TV, PC...nothing. I've already read all the books I could be interested in (and even some I wasn't interested in at all).

I wish someone would come over and we both could take Frog for a walk this cloudy afternoon. I wish it was a boy, because I tend to have deeper relationships with boys (although Cel is the exception to the rule, so I could use some Cel here, too).

If I was very, very selfish, I'd kill myself this afternoon, because when I'm at home, I'm terribly un-entertained and I feel like a waste. I feel useless.

Besides, I have way too much time to think and lately I'm getting tired of thinking because what your brain creates is very wide and even infinite but I always come back to where I started. Besides, I always think of the same shit because my life is so limitated and that's all I know. Besides, I think but don't do.

Yes, life definitely has to be more than this.

I wish we moved out of this house. I wish we went to another neighborhood. We've lived in this house...well, they've lived in this house since the late 70s. I have no friends in this neighborhood, because there's no one to be friends with.

I've gone to the same school, the ESJ, since...well, since I finished kindergarten. I am 17 years old now. I really never got tired of it, though. Until now.

On second thought...a stroke wouldn't be that bad.

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