Just hoping this won't fade away.
Saturday, 12/19/09 - 3:25 pm.

I'm glad to announce that I have pre-checked my flight and my bags are almost packed with some room in them. This is new to me. Usually, the day before traveling I'm running around and meeting up with people and struggling to fit everything in the suitcase while trying to keep the weight the airline tells me to keep.

In this sense, being busy this week paid off and right now I'm relaxed. I'm almost ready to get on a plane tomorrow, and I'm trying to be cool about flying. Because I hate flying, or at least it makes me very nervous. I keep calm during the flight and I enjoy the view. It's all good unless there's turbulence or something. When that happens, I do want to shoot myself and spare me the supposed agony that follows.

You know, even if it means getting away from JC, I'm happy to be going to Houston and celebrate the holidays with my family. I wouldn't like to live in Houston forever but it's a much needed change of context. I'm looking forward to it.


I have this tiny anguish about JC. This week we didn't talk as much as we used to, although I told myself it was a natural progression after having released all the bottled-up, say, passion we had...have for each other. We didn't need to be talking all the time anymore.

But I feel uncomfortable with this. I get the impression that he doesn't like me or is as attracted to me as much as he was a week ago. He still is, I believe. He must be, given that we keep making plans together and carrying them out.

On thursday night we met with CR and Lighthouse. It was a lovely evening with the four of them at a coffeehouse/bar where I often meet with the two boys. JC enjoyed hanging out with them, and they were particularly hilarious that night.

I got christmas cookies for CR and Lighthouse and when I gave them to them, I was surprised to see they were very, very, very moved. Lighthouse got up and gave me a tight hug and kept acting all "aaaawww" with me. That was sweet. As I said in my last entry, they got me through this year and most of the great things I lived during the first half of it, it's thanks to them. More than a christmas present, it was a thank-you gift.

Yesterday was my last day at work. We had a nice christmas lunch and I had a nice time with my coworkers. 50% of the staff has been laid off due to the crisis so yesterday was the last time I'd see some of them, including a couple of my favorite people. On the bright side, I got lots of chocolates, two calendars, a 2010 agenda, a supermarket coupon (that will come in handy in january when I get back from Houston and live parentless -yay- for most of the month) and also I won a christmas basket filled with nachos and sauces.

After lunch I was free, so I dedicated the afternoon to resting, packing and seeing my friend/mentor W to give him his present and give him my part of our clinic's rent. I waited for JC but then he called and said he'd come at six. We'd planned on having a christmas dinner with other friends but in the end we didn't agree on anything, so it was just a homemade dinner for the two of us.

He came on time and we hung out in the living room and in my bedroom. He read my old Simeon cartoons while I kept packing. Then we had dinner and watched Friends. I gave him his christmas present: a blue and orange (his favorite color) pillow for his neck, a christmas bear-shaped chocolate, a tiny christmas card in which I told him he was the best thing that happened to me this year, and a double Mix CD that I spent weeks working on. The letters are written in a Mario Bros font and there's a short comment about each of the 41 songs. Even I was surprised at how well all and every song expressed my feelings for him or talked about a certain moment/aspect in our relationship.

But many times it hit me: he's just my friend. We just like each other and make-out heavily. But hey, I said: there's a song for that, too. Now, seriously: he loved the presents but I started to wonder if I wasn't being too overwhelming for him...if it'd turn out that I like him more than he likes me. After he opened his present, we watched Imagine: John Lennon and instead of cuddling, we just sat stiff next to each other on the couch. I'd put my leg on him from time to time, something I like to do, but he didn't make a move (holding my hand, putting his hand on my leg) at all, other than resting his head on my shoulder for a while. And here I began to get a little anguished for real.

Afterwards, we went to the living room and talked. He rested his head on my leg and fell asleep as I ran my fingers through his hair. I found this cute, and eventually took the chance to sneak out and keep packing. Some time later he showed up in my bedroom and crashed on my bed. Sometimes he seemed awake but he was in a psychotic state. He'd talk about sex in various forms and reply affirmatively when I didn't ask him anything (haha). The best was when he got up, pointed and said "hey, there's Woody Allen" and crashed again. I turned around and indeed, Woody was there. My Woody doll, from Toy Story. What the hell, man? Took him a while to get back to the real world entirely. He was saying random things and I didn't know if he was completely awake because he speaks random stuff anyway.

Since he was on my bedroom, we finally started to fool around. I wasn't home alone, but M, our housekeeper, had gone off to sleep an hour ago or so. We didn't have protection so we didn't get there. What a shame, but it was good enough. And we went at it until midnight, when he left.

I don't know if he wasn't making a move because he really isn't into me anymore or he was inhibited by being in my house. I had once told him that the (two) times I brought Joseph home when nobody was there, I was very nervous and uncomfortable. I have reasons to believe JC was taking that into consideration.

But I'm still in distress, wondering if I'm just being neurotic or if there's some truth to what I'm perceiving. I was going to lend him a mic to talk on Skype these two weeks but his big brother arrives tomorrow and he is always looking over JC's shoulder. I'll relay on e-mails but if the present is any indicator of how things will be, I won't hear much from him.

He had also offered to take me to the airport tomorrow, but unless my flight and his brother's flight have a similar time, I don't see that happening. I asked Blackie to make me a lovely Mario Bros plushie for him (thank you!) and I'll give it to him tonight. I had planned to give it to him at the airport, before saying goodbye.

Since I noticed he was getting a bit more distant, I started to refrain on my feelings for him, or at least to show them less. I know that could pass as me being cold and this could lead to a vicious cycle. I have to be careful with this but I'm just trying to give him some space. After all, we're "friends" and he has a life other than me (well, even if I was his girlfriend, he would have a life other than me). I guess I have to wait and see what happens when I get back.

My next entry, I think, I hope, will be written once I'm in Houston. I wish myself a happy, safe trip.

prev / next