Saturday, 12/19/09 - 11:47 pm.
JC broke up with me tonight. Well, I don't know if it's proper to call it a break-up, given that we were never really dating. But he came to my house tonight, gave me a very friendly christmas card, and we hung out and surfed the net for a while. Then we got talking.
It was a peaceful conversation, a very honest one. I know it was hard for him to say it, and I know the things we did over the course of these months were awesome and heartfelt. I know he was not playing with me or using me as a rebound. But this week, just as I perceived, he didn't feel entirely into this while started to feel the strain of the break-up with his girlfriend (though he's not sorry for ending the relationship).
I could describe the conversation but suffice to say I didn't do anything wrong and he feels guilty and ashamed for hurting me, but also thinks I'm a great friend. He's sorry for making me have all these expectations, and having them himself, when suddenly he realized he wasn't going to be able to fulfill them. I have no hard feelings toward him. I appreciate that he talked to me so openly, and at least I know what to expect from now on. It's so ugly and hurtful, but it is what it is.
So in the end, thank God I bought the plane ticket; I'll make the most of my trip and it'll be good for me. But now I'm scared that I don't have anything to look forward to in January...my life will feel as incomplete as it was before he came along. I'm still processing all this and when I rewind to the night of our first kiss, I can't believe it.
This feels like a joke. I'll finish the year as I started it: with a deep heartache over losing a great man. It seems I have a knack for making awesome guys fall out of love with me.
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