Take it as a soul-searching retreat.
Monday, 12/21/09 - 5:09 pm.

I arrived safely to Houston yesterday afternoon. I fought back tears during the entire trip but it wasn't a bad one. It was very uneventful and it went smoothly.

This is such a cozy place. I always come home to my fun family, the warmth of a fireplace and insane amounts of particularly delicious food. I had a good night's sleep and this morning I was more in peace. There's always a hurting, somber spot in my heart, but you can bet I will not let it ruin my holidays. I'm happy to be here.

I couldn't sleep much the night before, after JC broke up with me and left. I slept about four hours. I woke up at 4 am and sent e-mails to four people I knew I could run to for comfort, and that also were informed of my relationship with JC. I wrote to tell them he had broken up with me and I thanked them for always rooting for me. I know I can always get support from them but this time I was very explicit in asking for it; I really needed it. Angel (who would've been the 5th person, but reads this diary so he was going to get the whole scoop) and Valerie also wrote me, which I can't thank enough. And all those words and support will help me sort things out.

During our conversation two nights ago, JC said something like "we may not be together in the future, we may be together". But overall, his speech made it clear for me that it's not happening. If anything, he was being weak and trying to reduce the impact of the break-up. I'm not fooling myself on this one. I got the consolation prize speech: you're awesome, you're hot, you're this, you're that...but let's be friends.

JC told me the grief over breaking up with his girlfriend was starting to hit him hard. As Valerie says, JC may not want Her as his girlfriend but he still wants Her in general. And I'm not Her. These days he'll mourn over her, not over me. He'll probably feel ashamed of leading me on just to deceive me in the end, but that's about it.

In retrospective: yes, I was a rebound. He didn't think of me as such, and obviously I tried to avoid that. You know who wasn't a rebound? Mrs Smith. Joseph broke up with me, he went off with her, married her, knocked her up (in that order) and now they live happily. I, on the other hand, was a rebound, a momentary relief that ultimately was just an illusion.

When I woke up at 4 am, I also wrote JC. I asked him to please throw away the letters I gave him with the mix CD because they were out of place by now...it was every song on the CD and a comment to explain why it was there, mostly by highlighting a particular quote that related to us or to my feelings for him. My feelings for him are out of place now.

I also told him that it was funny to break-up a relationship that wasn't even a relationship, and that I did notice how when we were in bed last time, he paid more attention to my cat than to me (although really, my cat is irresistible). I was honest in this e-mail, admiting that partly it was my hurt ego speaking and such, but also I tried to make light of the situation by throwing in a couple of jokes. I asked him not to write back. He has nothing but words of apology and gratefulness for me, and I don't want to hear/read them. I already know them.

Today he wrote a long note on Facebook, a reflection of 2009, his gains and losses and his thank-you's to people in general. Yeah, whatever.

I still have to figure out what I want: do I want to severe my ties with him? I always said I'd love to keep in touch with my ex-boyfriends but in Joseph's case, and who knows if in JC's case, I feel too bruised by them to want to keep talking to them.

But hey, wouldn't it be nice to keep talking to him? I have so many things to tell him, so many things remind me of him. But under what conditions? To never bring this up, be casual about it? Would I be able to see him as friend again? Would I fall for him all over if we're back to being friends (because he is rather awesome)? Should I even talk to him about all this?

Even though at times I'm dying to break the silence, it's for the best that I keep it. I have these two weeks to figure it out. And why not? Enjoy myself while I'm at it.

prev / next