The hardships of dealing with the pieces.
Wednesday, 12/23/09 - 10:36 pm.

My days in Houston have been pretty nice so far, and I expect them to continue this way. I spend time with my family, go out (although not so much yet), eat great food, play Nintendo Wii...My sister is flying in tomorrow morning and then we'll be ready to celebrate Christmas.

I haven't mentioned that my niece isn't here. She's in some sort of boarding school in Montana and her mom, Sister-In-Law #1, will spend christmas with her. It's weird to have her away, but after all these years of risky and violent behavior towards her parents, relatives and herself, it's also a bit of a relief knowing there won't be any unpleasant episodes. We talked to her on Skype tonight, I hadn't seen her without make-up in years. She seems to be doing really well but it's still 9 months to go for her there. Hopefully it'll pay off.

I haven't given much thought to my situation with JC. Ok, I'm lying. I have...but still not as much as one would have expected. I do think of him constantly and I wonder what I want to do about him and how to handle our...the remainings of our relationship. I have option A and option B. At times I go for option A, at times I go for B. At times it seems I'm going for A just as a means to reach B. After thinking about it, I end up more confused and hurt.

Yesterday I remembered he told me that he used to browse my FB pictures and he had his favorites. I remembered that and tears piled up. It's so stupid, so fucking stupid. It's so stupid that he went through all those troubles, all this time, just to realize, "hey, I don't like her that much".

Option A is keep talking to him, remain friends...this will take some effort on my part but I think it'd be ok to make it; maybe I can even get out of the friend zone and get him back as my best friend. Option B is stop talking to him. I'm thinking of giving A a try, but hurt as I am by all this, I'll probably end up building a wall of silence. And he'll do the same, anyway: out of shame or just because it's more comfortable for him, he'll stop talking to me.

Truth is, I do not know what to do about him. I have started writing him a letter that I'll send him when I get back home. It's a draft and it's subject to change. It does change everyday, actually, but it helps me to pour my heart out and explore my feelings a little more. Right now, my letter says that I will not contact him but he can contact me whenever he wants to hang out; I'll have no expectations at all. Are those good terms? I just don't know how else I can fight the awkwardness.

I'm wondering why it's so hard for me to recover from this type of hurt. Take Joseph: I'm not in love with him anymore, I am convinced our break-up was for the best, I'm thankful and I appreciate everything he gave to me over our four years and a half together...and yet, I cannot feel genuinely happy for him. I get a knot in my stomach whenever I see any FB update from him, although it's mostly that he's been tagged or became somebody's fan.

Of course, this can be solved. I've been giving it a lot of thought to deleting him from my friend list. It's been more than a year and he has a wonderful life and he couldn't care less about me. And I don't want to care about him. I pretty much don't anymore. I keep him just for my ego, "hey, maybe he'll see my pictures and realize I got hot and I started to live a little, and maybe that way I'll be in his thoughts from time to time". Seriously, self? I know my tattoo was a blow for him, and this blow was an unexpected but pleasant surprise for me, but there's not much doing beyond that. I think I'll do it in january.

My question is, how come this hurt still runs deeply, even after all this time? Why can't I be like most of his exes and remain friends with him? And is it wrong that I still cry when I talk about Joseph like I am talking right now? I am crying right now. I don't know if I'm doing something wrong when applying my mad cognitive-behaviorist skillz, but try as I might to think rationally about this topic (when I do think about it) and be aware of reality, I still feel like crap. I feel betrayed, like a failure and worthless. I know I am neither but it feels that way.

And now, same with JC. I'm afraid I'll end up losing touch with him, even if I succeed in falling out of love with him. I try to stay positive: at least this way I can get my scholarship and leave freely, at least I got laid this year (this came to me automatically and it made me chuckle), at least whatever. But as with Joseph, the good side cannot overshadow the bad side.

Guess I'll get back to the letter. My only conclusion is that I can't tell what's going to happen. My plan right now, and I'll think I'll be sticking to it, is to see him when I get back, to give him whatever souvenir I get him from Houston, and then...that's up to him.

In case I don't get to update these days, merry christmas!!!

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