Friday, 12/25/09 - 5:56 pm.
I'm feeling lonely at the moment. I had a great christmas with my family but right now everyone's asleep. I've eaten too much and I want to go out but everywhere I want to go to is closed. I got three shirts, a Sgt Pepper's wallet (holy shit <3), a funny card and two boxes of chocolates. Plus, a phone call from Angie and a card in the mail from Valerie.
I don't want to sound whiny, but in spite of having fun, there's a somber spot in my heart that's kept me in melancholy. I've been thinking of JC and strangely enough, of Joseph. I realized last night that the break-up with JC stirred a lot about the Joseph issue in me, so I've been dealing with both guys. They hurt me and they're not even in my life anymore. A strong, brave voice in me asked me: "then why complicate yourself?...cut them out of your life and move on". Right on. It's not as easy as it sounds but it's also less difficult than it seems.
I'm a little down, processing the break-up with JC and what comes next for me. I go back home on January 2nd and while I do have people to call and to see, I feel like I go back to my lonely self. The one that doesn't have anyone to call by default, the one that always has to be making phone calls to see if someone is available to go out. Above all, I go back to face the struggle of not calling him, writing him, checking his online profile, whatever. I can do it, although that does not mean it doesn't kill me.
As with Joseph, I'm aware of important dates for JC. I feel silly for knowing them, especially because they're no good for me. Tomorrow, the 26th, is one of those dates. Tomorrow it would have been the third anniversary with his girlfriend. I even feel a lot of empathy for her, JC told me December sucks for her and this will just make matters worse. But this girl aside, I wonder how he'll feel.
I keep drafting my letter for him, I'll post it here when it's done. I think I'm almost there, but I still have to work on the most difficult paragraph, which is where I express how I feel about everything that went on and its aftermath, i.e. he broke up with me before I could enjoy time with him and call him my boyfriend, and I didn't even get a mourning period because the mourning that came after he broke up with me was for and about his ex.
Quick change of subject: three scholarships are now open for applications. Two for Spain, one for the States. I feel so lazy, but one of these days I'll start working on them. I like Spain because it's a shorter period for the same degree, I like the States because I'm more more familiar with it and I don't have to cross a fucking ocean (I hate flying). Whatever happens, it's ok.