I guess it's a tradition to be brokenhearted during the holidays.
Monday, 12/28/09 - 11:07 pm.

Well, I suppose I owe this diary a little update. I've been very busy lately, being with my family, going to the zoo, to Galveston (I'd never been to a beach where you had to wear winter clothes...awesome!) and shopping. I've barely had time to sit down and think, except when I wake up and take a shower, and that's not sitting down, really. The rest of my day is running around, and I'm thankful for that.

I feel like I've been here in Houston for a long time, but it's been only eight days. I'm leaving on January 2nd and I know this week will go by quickly. I love being here but luckily I'm also looking forward to going home, because I'll work part time and that means I'll be partly free to do my stuff (whatever that is).

Now, the time I do take to think, I get sad. I think a bit about Joseph, about JC and hell, I've remembered Art, too. What a fiasco Art was...he's still "with" the other girl, I don't know if they keep pretending to have a relationship or ended up falling for each other. Meh, online both things are pretty much the same. I take the blame for being silly and "falling" for him, but I still place most of the blame on him for leading me on and playing with my feelings. We don't talk and I'm quite content that way. Especially because for him it was all a joke, he never quite grasped that somebody's trust was betrayed.

But anyway. His case is nothing compared to Joseph's and JC's. As for Joseph, he's off my news feed and I'm a bit more in peace not seeing his name, his face and HER face everyday. There's nothing unresolved about him, except the need for me to say things that I have already said. The thought of him triggers a deep heartache but what can I do about it? It's there, and as I once read, you don't get over this, you learn to live with it. There are much more tragic reasons that deserve those words than breaking up with a boyfriend, but I'll adopt them and live by them, because they're true for me.

As for JC...Valerie says cut off all communication with him and...I get some kind of separation anxiety when I think about that but I guess that's where we're heading anyway. Sometimes I get hopeful, "maybe after these two weeks of not talking to each other, he'll clear his mind and he'll realize he just needed time to mourn over the break-up with his girlfriend". But then a voice comes and yells at me: "Wake up! Remember his speech! The message was not 'give me time to mourn', it was 'let's be friends'. He's not coming back! He is NOT coming back". He is not coming back. But hey, if he did, would I trust him the same? Heck, no. I'd wonder how long it's gonna be until he changes his mind again.

Which probably means that our relationship is broken beyond repair. And this crushes me.

Today I was at the mall and I saw Nintendo t-shirts. When we were together, I'd thought I'd get him one. Today I shrugged the idea off and even laughed to myself, "well, this is one of the things you're missing for not dating me". He would have adored a Yoshi t-shirt I saw at a store. However, I've bought him the current issue of Nintendo magazine ("250 reasons to love Nintendo") and Mario Bros candy in a Mario-star-shaped box, plus a thumb-sized bottle that says "pirate's map - Galveston, TX", with a map, seashells and sand inside. Couldn't help it, I like the guy, you know? I'll see him to give him this shit and then I'll go away forever to lick my wounds, yes?


prev / next