Tuesday, 01.05.10 - 9:15 pm.
Sometimes I wonder if I should be angry. My friend Michelle says she would have yelled at JC and insulted him endlessly for what he did. I'm really upset but I don't feel angry. I'm hurt and dissapointed.
It may be crazy for me to say some of the things I've said...or perhaps it seems crazy because it's not the most usual way to respond. I'm just sticking to being rational-emotive, and it is helping me to deal with my pain. As for keeping in touch with him, while I've said and I've been told I shouldn't, and I should learn from my experience with Joseph: I'm just following my heart, as Disney movies always tell you to do. It may prove to be a mistake eventually, but as usual, I'll take the risk. And anyway, it's in his hands. Whatever comes next is up to him, I've done enough.
I read his e-mail at work this morning and I felt like crying. It killed me, but it's making me get rid of all hope. That's what I need right now.
These are our words. I put them here because, even with all that's happened, I still can be open with him to the point of feeling like I'm actually writing an entry for my diary. Italics are my comments and the like.
***
From: JC
To: S's.T.
[Insert a casual intro and a nice conversation about funny stuff, like playing Guitar Hero, Rock Band - The Beatles ("it reminded me of you constanly and I appreciated your lessons on the subject, I enjoyed the songs much more"), the Ten Commandments of Dating a Gamer and how we'll meet up as soon as he puts his schedule together: the courses he's teaching at the university, his thesis, his radio lessons and his patients].
As to what you call "bothering me", obviously it's not nice talking about these things, and I'm impressed by the clarity of what you express. You are visibly sincere and I hope I can be the same.
As I was saying, even though it isn't nice to talk about this and you want to avoid "bothering" me with the subject, that doesn't mean you, me or we don't have to talk about it if there's a chance it'll be of some use. If it isn't, then forget it (I hope I can express myself properly and not be offensive, I applaud your ability to do so). I'm interested in clearing this up to help this end the best way possible, and it's not because I have a guilt complex (that I can't deny) but because I love you and appreciate you as a person [bleh]
I don't agree with what you say, you being a "temporary relief", because I got very close to you about a month or three weeks before breaking up with my girlfriend, and had you been just a "relief" I would have stayed with you now that the grief over her is kicking in hard. From my point of view, there was something I really felt and lived, the things I did and thought about doing with you cannot be reduced to the word "rebound".
I think I just realized that I had a more important and inevitable issue that didn't allow me to continue living something like that. It grabbed my attention and told me it was time for me to be alone and deal with my own shit without having a third person emotionally involved. Between Dec. 20th and 31st, although I've had a lot of fun, I haven't stopped thinking, reflecting and feeling like shit for the grief I started late and for (involuntarily) screwing you up. Also, I've been trying to get some explanations and conclusions about all this.
The consolation speech, as you called it, was driven initially by my guilt, but the content is based on aspects I consider true and objective from my perspective [that I'm awesome? That's everyone's perspective, it seems].
I hope you being my friend doesn't turn out to be too difficult for you, and when you're not in the mood or you want to tell me something, you do it as you've done so far.
I hope my words aren't hurtful or painful. I don't know if I'm right or wrong either, and I don't know if that really matters anyway. Thank you for being assertive, for your cognitions and for being you, in general.
[Friendly outro]
***
From: S's.T.
To: JC
[nice intro in which I say our e-mails are quite bipolar and so I'll start with the nasty and finish with the awesome]
Hey, thanks for your words. Maybe sometimes you think I'm too raw or you think you're being too raw to me, but so far I think neither of us has said something that isn't true. My dad says that being honest keeps a friendship going and so being clear about our feelings may be healing in the long run [insert a joke about healing and zen]. At least talking about this is working for me, to get it out of the way. And it's better by writing, because, first, I can ellaborate better what I'm thinking, and second, if we did it in person, I'd turn autistic (I do want to avoid this subject when we meet up). But anyway, you too feel free to tell me how you're feeling, what you're thinking, etc. In fact, on Dec. 26th [the would-be 3rd anniversary with his ex] I was particularly eager to ask how you were doing.
On my part, I know I messed up because since the first time you told me you wanted to end your relationship, you told me you wanted time for yourself. Many times I thought of backing off [and Valerie told me to do so, too!], because deciding to get away from someone you've been so close to for years is not easy and I didn't want to be an obstacle in that process of yours.
That's why I told you about me being a temporary relief for you. It doesn't mean it wasn't genuine, but like you said, you later realized that there were priorities, other shit to deal with, and I feel that I somehow kept you from going through a process the way you should have. It's not that I regret everything because it was great, but I do regret it because, you know. Just the fact that we had to keep it a secret was a sign that perhaps I wasn't doing the right thing. But anyway...this year you have a lot of cool experiences to go through [including graduating as a psychologist] and I hope you enjoy them as you had originally planned and I hope you keep a tidy schedule.
I don't think your grief over your girlfriend has a lot to do with you wanting us to be just friends. This is another case of correlation and not causality. Even Lennon and McCartney (1965) said it: "love has a nasty habit of dissapearing overnight", and if they say it, then it must be true. These things happen. It does frustrate me and I wonder if there's something wrong, say, with my pheromones, because this is a consistent pattern in my life (I'm not accusing you, and while you're part of my history in this respect, you're not the first one and I doubt you'll be the last one). But it's these situations what have made grow and become stronger...this also frustrates me slightly, because it means the Force that drives my life thinks my most valuable lessons must be learned by hitting me hard. Hmph. But maybe this is case for everybody else.
I don't want this to end the best way possible, as you say. I don't want this to end. I want you to keep being my friend and I want you to come to the children's museum with me one of these days, because I've heard they have a Gravity Room. The point is, I want us to remain friends, but I don't know if you'd feel uncomfortable. You must not worry about unrequited love, because it is my policy not to love someone who doesn't love me (I know you love me, but you know what I mean); I can modulate my emotions, thanks to the lessons mentioned above.
But I don't know how comfortable you'd feel if I texted you or wrote you e-mails randomly, or if I asked you out to go do whatever (movies, Nintendo, etc), and I don't know if after all we've gone through you'll feel like doing these things frequently. I do miss talking to you, there's a train of thought that only you can follow. So I'm telling you solemnly: EXTORTION [meh, private joke]. And "that's up to you" [again]. This relationship of ours will be on the terms you want. I, being the social quasiscientific I am, want to test my reformulated hypothesis, and being Albert Ellis' bastard child, I trust in my functional cognitions to face such thing. But if I really can't deal with the emotional pain of all this -and that won't be your problem-, I'll just follow the sun [nevermind, I'm quoting a song in spanish...the line is much longer. It actually sounds funny].
[Then it's fun stuff about how "With The Beatles" is not their first album, as he thought; about Skeleton Guy talking to me again and his nickname online: "ATHEIST"; A failblog video (LOL!); people who upload a lot of versions of the same picture on FB; about letting me know when he's done meeting up with president Obama so he can see me; and how I'm working part-time, yay].
*** the end - for now ***
I feel really tired. I think I'm getting a cold. I haven't slept well either. But on a positive note, the weather has been amazing.
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