Thursday, 01.07.10 - 11:40 am.
I've noted this in the past, but I think it's noteworthy again, because the situation continues: there isn't a single day that goes by without me thinking of Joseph. Most of times, it's a thought that doesn't involve emotion of any kind, or if it does, it's bearable. The emotion is never a positive one, though. I mean, I was very happy with him and I owe much of what I am now, but when I think of him, I feel sad, longing, hurt, melancholic, whatever.
I dreamed of him two nights ago. We were staying in a hotel and I kept sleeping in his bedroom. He was staying with his wife. I didn't mean cheating, I just insisted on sleeping in there. He and his wife slept on separate beds next to each other and I'd lie down in his wife's bed, next to her (!) but also next to his bed, therefore next to him. That was until he told me I couldn't do that anymore. It was like he understood I was in pain over not being with him, but that didn't mean he was going to get all pitiful on me. He was being firm, like he was the last time I went to his house (it'll be a year of that in a couple of weeks), to get me back to reality: I am with someone else now, you'll be fine. His wife had a five-year-old child from a previous relationship and while he was telling me I was to sleep in my own bedroom, I saw them both feed him/her (don't know, really).
Meh.
I can't deny that he was the Love of my Life, you know? I was thinking of keeping this title in the eventuality that I did find someone that was a better match for me and decided to tie his life to mine for the rest of our existences. But given how intrusive Joseph is in my thoughts, I suppose I should let him have the title. I know at some point I couldn't help feeling that he and I would get back together one day. But by now I know he's not coming back, ever. Nor do I need him to. I have no desire to contact him or to wish him the best or the worst. I don't want to hear from him.
I love him and I miss him the way you love and miss a dead person.
***
Shortly after my last entry, JC called me. It made me very happy to hear from him, and we had a great hour-long conversation. We never touched the subject of what happened between us. I'd asked him not to in our e-mails. We made reference to some of the topics we wrote to each other, but we kept the conversation upbeat and fun. And under those terms, I'm sure I can have a friendship with him.
Of course my stomach shrinks when I realize he's not coming back...under the terms I hoped for. I texted him yesterday and talked briefly over MSN. He didn't reply to my text because he didn't have any balance on his cell phone, and we talked briefly because he has a cold and was falling asleep. So was I, anyway, but the tone of our chat, albeit funny and friendly, was just another nail on the coffin for me. He hasn't told me when he'll be available for us to meet up. I will not ask again. I know he's very busy but I guess this not-need to see me right away speaks for itself, too.
I feel bad over losing JC, but at least I don't feel extremely bad. I just carry on. I do think he was a better match for me, a much better match than Joseph could have ever been for me...but it was a short period, to begin with. A period that wasn't even stable, I was just waiting for things, for us to become stable, steady. It didn't happen. I got the feeling that big, awesome things were in store for us as a couple. But such is life, eh?
Aside from these two guys refreshing my bruises, I've been very busy. Let me express, again, how much I love having a part-time job. And hey, I'm writing this from my office...I'm part time and still there's not a lot to do around here. I'm not complaining about that, though. And I'll be walking home in 20 minutes or so.
I say I've been busy because these afternoons I've met with friends for coffee, paid bills, had time for myself...today I have drum lessons and two engagements with friends. I still have some important tasks pending but it's all coming along. However, I have at least five tiny scratches: one in my arm, three in my fingers, one in a toe, and I do not know where they've come from; I have a dotted bruise on my right leg; I limp because my left foot and side of the knee hurt badly (I'm thinking this is a years-old injury and I need to see a doctor); and I have a nose-stuffing, eye-closing, energy-sucking cold. All this sounds lovely indeed, but in general, I'm doing good.