Friday, 01.15.10 - 10:07 pm.
I was very close to losing my job as a secretary. Actually, my bosses were very close to closing down the foundation, because the main donor was about to withdraw our funds. Such is the current economic crisis, eh. But both parties came to an agreement this morning so I'll be getting paid tomorrow.
Also, I don't know if my main boss is mad at me for some reason or he's like that because of all the stress, or both, but he's been a little rude to me. I don't feel bad about it, except maybe if he's misjudging me or something...like, he might think I don't do anything lately, but that's because there's nothing to do around there.
I actually have two job opportunities, thanks to the wife of a cousin. I submitted my resume last night. It could be either teaching psychology in middle and high school or working at an evaluation (wouldn't say of what or whom) departament of some university. The first one isn't that appealing to me and the second one worries me because of the location of the university. But HEY, it's a PSYCHOLOGY-related job, man. I started to cling onto my job as a secretary: "oh, it's just part time, it's temporary while I get a scholarship, it's not that bad"...I'm just in a comfort zone, but I must not settle for less than what I deserve! It's time to change, to head into a new direction, to grow within my career, to work on what I'm good at and on what I love.
If I don't get either of those jobs, fine. If I do, fine. Whatever the outcome, it's time to try to get out of that unfulfilling job.
***
I had a fine day today, thank you very much. I got out of work at 11 am (because I go in at 7 am), had lunch with Nephew #1 who spent the night over and then I took him to have coffee along with my friend Ana, who's studying in Mexico but came to visit for the holidays. She leaves on sunday and this was my last chance to see her. I didn't want to leave my nephew home alone so what the hell, I took them both. They hit it off well, they liked each other. We had a good time.
After dropping off my nephew at his other grandmother's house, Ana and I drove to my university. She was meeting with someone there and so was I. Guess who?
Since the beggining of the week, JC had told me we were going to get together this friday. I thought it was very meaningful that he didn't seem interested in seeing me before, and now that we were going to meet up, it was going to be in group and not just the two of us.
But hey, I love meeting with our mutual friends, Monica and Orlando. They're musicians and they're putting a band together. I arrived to the coffeehouse I used to go to frequently with Joseph (dammit, I thought I'd make at least one entry without mentioning him), that's just around the corner from the university. I read a Peanuts book while I waited for them. I'd never read the strips, except for the sunday ones. They're quite awesome. I was laughing to myself and I laughed so hard when Sally said "Ramona Lisa".
The three of them arrived some time later. I'd found out through Facebook that JC had cut his hair, and I cursed that because I have a weakness for when boys get haircuts. I think I've been doing pretty well about coping with our situation, although sometimes I feel sad and hollow and I want to talk to him so badly.
So yeah, he looked good. We hugged hello but then I tried to not look at him so much. I couldn't feel our previous chemistry but I wouldn't qualify our first encounter since the break-up as awkward at all. Monica and Orlando had the funniest stories about one time they got drunk, so we were pretty entertained and distracted. Slowly, he and I started to joke like we used to and it felt nice.
I learned from Monica how to fix bent cigarrettes...I do not smoke but I think it's a nice tip. We talked for an hour or so, it was pretty great, and we made plans for next week. They'll come over on tuesday night for movies and pizza and on friday night we'll attend a ska concert, and my nephew will come along.
When Orlando left, I gave Monica and JC a little souvenir I brought from Texas...I think I already described it here, it's a thumb-sized bottle that says "pirate's map - Galveston, TX" and contains sand and a tiny treasure map. I fell in love with those things and I bought a few for my closest friends. They loved it, of course. And Monica said that, to remember the moment, they'd add some tobacco from the cigarrette (you lose some in the process of fixing it, she put it on a napkin) inside the bottle. What a nice gesture. She's so awesome. She's like my friend Cel but permanently tripping on LSD.
Then Monica left. And it was just JC and I and we talked for a while. I knew he wouldn't touch the subject of our relationship, although at times, as he introduced a topic or whatever, I'd imagine hearing him saying something about the possibility of a new beggining for us. But I knew I was just fucking with my own head. Seriously, I'm amazed at how well my Principle of Reality is working. I didn't feel awkward around him, or heartbroken. I was looking at him as a friend and I felt comfortable. I asked him if he had talked to his ex and turns out they had a very peaceful conversation this week. It's not that they're good friends but it's a nice step, I believe. Especially because it was coming from her. So he put me up to date on that issue.
I asked him to walk me to my car because I had some stuff to give back to him: a Stephen King book (it was so good), a behavior psychology book and a couple of batteries from his Wii remote. I didn't tell him that inside there was also one issue of Nintendo Magazine and a Mario Bros. Star-shaped tin can with candy. I got that for him in Houston but I didn't feel like being around when he saw them. I haven't heard from him and I'm hoping he just didn't throw the bag around his bedroom or left it in the car, thinking that what's inside is not urgent.
Speaking of this, my friend Victoria came to my house last week, and I showed her the Mario Bros star. All she said about it was: you really like that guy. Word.
At times during our conversation, I thought he was looking at me. But then my mad peripheral vision skillz told me he wasn't. In fact, he would barely look at me...or rather, I got just the normal rate of glances a friend who has NOT a crush on you would give you. I went to the restroom and when I got back I looked to see if he'd at least turn around to see me arrive to the table. He didn't. By the time we said goodbye and he slightly pulled me towards him to give me a friendly half-hug, my hope was dead.
Maybe that's why I feel I can have a friendship with him. It's not that I don't like him anymore but at least I'm free from foolish expectations.
On a less bright side, I constantly feel like throwing up. I have a permanent knot in my stomach. It's some kind of anxiety and I don't know where is coming from and why. Physically, I don't feel 100% well although I think I should.
I've been thinking it's perhaps that I can't feel pain in my heart anymore. Last night I felt like crying over JC but that went away quickly. I think it's the same thing that happened with Joseph: I know this is something that hurts but by now I'm just so numb from all the beating and I can't feel the pain anymore. My heart is so shattered that there are no big pieces left to break. So all the punching is going to my stomach.