Wednesday, 01.20.10 - 10:39 pm.
JC, Monica and Orlando came to house at about 6:30 pm. I was showered with hugs and presents: a "happy birthday" balloon from Orlando, a beautiful card hand-made by Monica (who has the craziest drawing skills and amazing vocabulary) and two posters from JC. To which I'll return later to explain in detail.
They brought a lot of things, like they were going camping. Orlando brought his guitar and JC brought a backpack full of Nintendo Wii stuff. We had snacks, talked, played a little Wii (Rock Band The Beatles, so awesome) and ordered chinese food. Shortly after we were joined by Gustavo.
They mentioned drinking so some of them went to the supermarket to buy a six pack. They bought two in the end, and cat food per my request (they saved me a trip). And we played Pictionary. They didn't drink a lot, though. Gustavo left earlier and he was my Pictionary partner. JC became my partner, against Monica and Orlando, who were kicking our asses.
They were going to drink more and sleep over, but Monica got a call from her boyfriend. Things are not looking good in her relationship (in short: she's a free spirit, he's way too traditional) and they had an argument over the phone. She was very discouraged and she didn't feel so well. JC was giving her a ride so he and Orlando left, too. I was sorry to see them go but I completely understand her situation, and it was school night, anyway, and I do need my good night's sleep.
Before they left, we discovered one of my cats had peed on Orlando's guitar case and Monica had stepped on cat poo. They were very cool about it so I really don't feel embarrassed. But yeah, it sucked. Such welcoming hosts, my cats.
When they left I cleaned up a little and took the time to see JC's posters. The first one was a huge color card...he took like 10 album cards of football players and had each of them say something to me. Their dialogues refered to things that are familiar to us and sometimes he'd twist the names of the players. I laughed so hard, I was almost crying at how funny and clever it was. I don't even want/know how to fold it, it's a huge card.
The other poster is smaller but I wondered if it was made by him. It's a Starfox collage, with lots of Falco images. So, yeah, it seemed customized. It's an amazing poster, really. Today he replied to my question: he did make it. You can see he put a lot of effort in the presents, so obviously he knew my birthday was coming up. I actually thought he didn't know.
He hugged me tightly when we said goodbye. And then I examined the carefully crafted posters. How do you think I felt when he left? I felt down. My first thought about that was that obviously, when you're high, you can only come down. So believe it or not, I automatically thought that I'd had a great time, and sometimes when great things come to an end, you feel sad.
More than that, though, I felt empty and dissapointed. We used to have this in-joke, "this isn't a friend thing". When we discussed all the crazy stuff we did because we liked each other, we'd say that. "Hey, what about making a reservation at a cabin in the mountain for the weekend, just the two of us? That is NOT a friend thing". So maybe a year ago, when I didn't have the experience I have now, I would have said "this isn't a friend thing" and feel hopeful. At least I wouldn't think a friend would go all the trouble to put two posters together like that.
BUT...
I do think it's a friend thing this time. It wasn't hard for me to notice when he liked me then. It isn't hard for me to notice that he doesn't like me now. He's very transparent, very honest. The posters, the hug, they are a sign of how fond he is of me, yes. They're a token of his appreciation for me AND the only way he has to attempt to "repair" what he broke. The mix CDs with song commentary, the notebook with the comic strip about our relationship (that was left incomplete, I was by the middle of november when he broke up with me), the Mario Bros plushie made by Blackie, the neck pillow, the cards, the drawings, the tiny gifts...I think that somewhere in his conscience there was a voice demanding him to give me back all that.
Or, hey, maybe he's just that thoughtful with all his friends, I wouldn't know. But I assure you there's no hidden intention on his part. I don't have to fight to believe this, I just know it. It's a relief not being hopeful, although reality is destroying me a bit.
So, yes, I feel sad and dissapointed, as usual. When he left, I almost started crying because I wanted him to come back to my house. I had this little abstinence syndrome, even though when he was by my side, it was all fun and games. Friendly fun and games. And he didn't seem particularly interested in me during the night either. I'm thankful but unhappy about the gifts. They made me happy, of course, they're keepers indeed. But essentially, they are just more evidence against me and in favor of reality.
Last night, however, made me step back on my decision of cutting him off my life. I think I'm saying that I should cut him off because what I really want to say to him is so heavy that it would really bring our relationship to an end. Quickly. Out of awkwardness. The question is, do I want to sacrifice my relationship with him for the sake of temporary catharsis? At least right now, that doesn't sound like a good deal.
*Sigh*
You know, I dreamed of Joseph last night. He was part of the navy, I think. I remember he saw me and acted like he didn't, and I did the same. I wondered if he remembered my birthday, and because of a chain reaction, I ended up wondering if he'd even consider that he had devastated me with all that happened after he broke up with me. I imagined him replying "naaah". Perhaps he remembered. Perhaps he didn't, as blissfully as his life is going, being employed and with a wife and kid. It shouldn't matter. I believe I've dissapeared from his mind.
Wait, back to the other topic. In spite of the emotional rollercoaster that was my birthday celebration, thanks to *cough* my friend JC, I don't know why but I slept as peacefully as I hadn't in a long, long time.
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