Sunday, 02.07.10 - 11:27 am.
Today is Joseph's first wedding anniversary. Could be that it's not. I don't know. In my mind and by the reconstruction of the events, it is. I have found myself wishing that he doesn't last with her as much as he lasted with me, but everything in their story is such fairy-taleish and tailor-made that I can't help feeling they'll last forever. Or at least longer than the four years Joseph lasted with me, which, I believe, is the only thing worth remembering from our relationship. Please, don't take that away from me.
On much happier news, yesterday I went out with my friend Monica. Not just went out, we went to see my tattoo artist. Should everything go well, I'll get "Veni, Vidi, Vici" on my right ribs next weekend. Monica will get one of her drawings, a woman with her hair blowing in the wind, sitting on a world, or on an eye. We hung out at the tattoo parlor for some time, the tattoo artist seemed to like her a lot, and as usual, he was very nice to me.
Afterwards, Monica and I went to a hardware store to get a copy of her keys. And then we stopped by a burger place because I wanted twister fries. I'd paid for her keys because she didn't have cash, so the fries were on her. It was an awesome afternoon. She's pretty awesome herself. Since I picked her up at her caf�, she brought frozen coffee for the two of us, that lasted all through our errands. I love that frozen coffee and it made my day getting some of it for free.
At times I felt like talking about JC with Monica, but I never brought him up during the conversation, except for some vague, brief ideas that didn't relate to my heartbreak. What I kind of, sort of wanted to talk to her about was my idea of cutting him off my life. I know, I've discussed this several times by now, without real results. He's Joseph all over again.
On thursday, or was it friday, I felt a horrible urge to call him. He had called me two times this week, and I firmly refused to pick up. I asked my friend Victor1 and he supported my idea of calling him. He pointed out that I was being too neurotic thinking ahead: "you haven't even called him and you're already licking your wounds!", he said. So if I had the itch, he insisted, I should just call him and deal with the consequences when they happened.
So I called him. He said he'd called before to "see if we got together one of these days". It was a very short, useless conversation. I didn't feel bad afterwards. Well, not hurt, anyway. Angry, dissapointed. He's become the kind of acquaintance that says "hey, let's get together some time", without real commitment. Perhaps by now it's no surprise that I say this, but he even disgusts me a little.
On another conversation, Victor1 encouraged me to speak my mind to JC. I'm getting there and now it's just a matter of actually finding the opportunity. If this is Joseph all over again, then it shall run the same course. My friend Angie says that I gave JC, as well as Joseph, my complete trust and they couldn't understand the importance of it...she says I have a huge heart and she says a lot of things that heal my ego a little but also remind me how unfair it's been with these two guys and others I've come across.
One of these nights I called her, thanks to some phone software that gives me unlimited phone calls to the US. The signal isn't very good but we spoke for two hours and a half and it's amazing all of the things I've missed from her life. Well, it's understandable, given the distance and her new life as a married woman. But it sucks the same. She wants to come back to her country, she doesn't want to get married in a church (she's only legally married), and she's been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I miss her, I wish she did come back.
I have resolved to stay home today. No new jobs are coming along, I don't think I'll get paid past february at my current job (the office may close due to insufficient funds) and I'm earning very little. It's not very wise to go out as often as I used to. I could ask CR or someone else out, I guess, but perhaps I'll just stay home and work on my book. Monica will be doing the cover, yay.
This is a very sad day. The weather, the significance...I am thinking twice about staying home, really. I don't want to overthink. But I keep my head up. I got in a good mood earlier (I wonder what Joseph would say if I told him that the last plush toy he got me taught me what an orgasm is) and if hurtful thoughts should cross my mind, I will translate them into writing.
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