Tuesday, 02.09.10 - 6:25 pm.
Say, I ended up going out on sunday afternoon. I couldn't stand being home, having a passive afternoon alone with my thoughts. No matter what I did, they'd come after me. I had the chance to talk to my friend Michelle and she encouraged me to go out. So I did.
Originally, I was only going out with CR. By the time I called him and we agreed on meeting an hour later, I was on the verge of tears, haunted by both Joseph and JC. I thought I'd take the chance of being with CR to pour my heart out.
But we went for coffee to my friend Monica's coffeehouse and she was there. Even though I lost my chance to have a catharsis, I felt really good the whole time. You know why? Because I wasn't thinking of either Joseph or JC, I was talking to CR and Monica and having a good time, drinking an awesome frozen coffee. Then a nice friend of CR's showed up. He's playing guitar with Lighthouse and suggested I joined them on drums for a jam session (I'm not that good and I doubt they'll call me for that). He has a truly striking ressemblance to Tobey Maguire. I felt like I was sitting next to Spiderman the whole time, imagine my joy! Tobey (meh, it's cooler than his real name) and CR left to go get some weed and I came home alone. But it was good for me, going out.
That same night, I found JC online and he talked to me. The conversation was a little uncomfortable for me and it was brightless. A far cry from the chemistry we used to have. We were just catching up on unimportant stuff and I was torn between not wanting to talk to him and not wanting him to stop. I couldn't bring myself to be charming because he doesn't wake that up in me anymore. I wish I could...but it's like, like I didn't think he deserved my good mood.
Also, I'd seen recent pictures of him on Facebook, with his ex-girlfriend. It's nothing heartbreaking, they both went to a friend's party and there they are, next to each other and next to other people. I hate to admit I couldn't help thinking "oh, my God, what if they decide to get back together after all?". I would break down and cry endlessly. I tend to think they won't, and I have my reasons. But I still felt something ugly when I saw them.
At the end of our conversation, JC said: I hope you can answer my phone calls. And I hope I'll answer all of yours. That left me speechless and I didn't know what to reply. A few minutes went by before I wrote: "yes, when you call me, I'll answer you". I should've said something more honest, like "I'll try". But instead of feeling bad for me, I was feeling bad for him. Go figure.
And you see, I was speechless because his comment meant by all means that he had read an entry I wrote in a collective blog. I wrote, in a nutshell, that my line is never busy for you ("you", in general) and you can dial my number whenever you want; I like my ringtone and I let it ring but I won't answer the call because I don't have the heart to do that anymore. Obviously it referred to the fact that he called me twice last week and I refused to answer. I called him back days later. I don't care if he read it, there was nothing wrong with what I said. I just didn't think he still read that blog.
I'm too confused to do anything about him. Last night I cried myself to sleep thinking about him, and it was curious. I don't cry over him. But I did last night, and it kills me that time is passing and I'm becoming more and more part of his past. Do I write him the fucking e-mail and tell him to go to hell? Do I just leave things as they are right now? The difference is that I would *choose* to leave things like this and I'd have to be at peace with that decision; I am not at peace with things being the way they are right now. Or do I just write him an e-mail, tell him I feel like this and that and ask him not to write back and keep pretending it's all ok between us even though it's not?
I may go for the third option. Which is the most ambivalent of all, I think. But bear with me. I'm hurt and my thoughts are disorganized. I don't know where to run.
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