Monday, 09/09/02 - 8:15 pm.
Tomorrow it's mr. Joe Fuckin' Perry's birthday.
She just loves my big 10 inch
record of her favorite blues.
This morning...do you know what inertia is? I mean, have you been inertia? I was inertia this morning. Since last night, I realized nothing was moving me. I wasn't expecting anything, I had nothing to look forward to.
So this morning I was brushing my teeth at 5:30 am and I heard the voice of the Fight Club narrator on the back of my head. Well, one of the voices in my head happens to pretend he's the narrator. So me brushing my teeth, staring at the slippery bathroom floor, realizing that I was living just because I was, made me listen to the narrator voice on the back of my head and his thoughts about living an empty life made out of inertia and routine.
Melvin, Melvin, Melvin! I talked to him today! Gosh, it's been ages since I talked to him....since last year, I guess. I talked to him after a pastoral meeting on the second recess, we walked together for a while. He says he...well, he'll probably go to Cuba next year. They have the best medicine system, so I'm really not surprised he's going there (he wants to be a doctor). He's a very smart kid, just hanging out with the wrong crowd. I miss that boy. I should invite him over to study.
I was counting today, and there's only 7-8 more weeks of school to go.
Vic was kind of depressed today, because he had a shitty weekend, involving the death of his girlfriend's grandfather, walking back home all by himself at 2:00 a.m. and being stopped by cops. I wrote on his notebook: SMILE! Life sucks. He smiled.
- Me: It's better to have a life that sucks than to have a life that's boring.
- Vic: Well, yeah...it could be.
- Me: No, it *is*. I'm telling you, because my life does not suck, and therefore it's boring.
...and therefore it does suck, because it's boring. But it sucks in a different way.
I'd never understood "friends" as a shelter. But today, Cel and I hung out together for quite a long time. Most of the pumice stone members belong to this social service group that goes to a public school to help kids. Art is in it of course, and he left me in charge of Cel. Don't let her get wet on the half-hour recess, ok? (when he said that, it was raining and it seemed it'd keep raining the entire day). I said to him don't worry, it won't even rain. It did not, indeed (hardy har-har). And I loved being with her so much, I didn't mind being away from Denver.
Today I had my first seminary. This last period we're taking a seminary on ecology HUMANITY SUCKS so now I have to stay three days a week. My usual afternoon classes are on wednesdays, until 3 o'clock and on thursdays, until 4 o'clock. I have to add monday, until 3:00. Now, room B's seminary will be on wednesday. Which means Denver's room will stay along with mine two days a week.
I learned today that spermatozoids can't stand the normal human body temperature, so down there in the men's balls, it's around two degrees lower. No, wait....I think I already knew that...*yours truly shrugs in confusion because of her lack of knowledge on her own knowledge*
DAMN YOU THERE'S NOTHING FOR ME I'M FUCKIN' OVERWHELMED WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME I WON'T FINISH IT ON TIME MY HOMEWORK WILL SUCK YOU SUCK I SUCK I CAN'T STAND IT I'VE MISSED YOU STOP BEING THAT WAY I GET IT NOW HEY I CAN DO THIS GO AWAY YOU'RE FUCKIN' BORING STOP LABELING ME SHUT THE FUCK UP ARE YOU FUCKIN' NUTS DON'T LEAVE ME PLEASE CAN'T YOU BE MORE THAN THIS I LIKE YOU THANKS DAMN HUMANITY HEY I'M TALKING TO YOU WHAT THE FUCK I DON'T WANT THIS TO END THANK YOU YOU'RE VERY TALENTED I WANT TO GO HOME I NEED TO FIND MOTIVATION OK GLAD YOU'LL BE ABLE TO MAKE IT I HOPE I'LL GET THIS RIGHT!!!!!!!!!
At certain points of this day, I wanted to scream.
Now I feel better.
I guess it's back to inertia for me. I'd define my mood as stoic inertia, since although I feel deeply empty, I don't feel sorry -or anything else for that matter- about it.