Saturday, 02.20.10 - 11:20 pm.
Well, will you look at that!
7 Types of Breakups Ranked by Recovery Time2. The First Love Breakup
The First Love breakup is one of the toughest to overcome. Some say you never get over it. This breakup teaches us that the world is a bigger place than we thought. There are more people to meet, there are bills to pay, there are places to go. Things just can't stay the same as they once were.
Mine hit me when I got to college and my girlfirend stayed behind in high school. Eventually, we had to move on. The first love breakup is hurts so much because you've never experienced this feeling of loss and disappointment before. And, it's part of growing up and growing up is usually a painful process.
1. The Blind Side
My friend recently blind sided his ex. After she cried for an hour, he decided he had put in enough time and he left. This is traumatic because it comes out of nowhere. The blind sider may have been thinking about it for months, and they conceal their intentions, then drop the bomb while everything seems to be going well. In fact, the couple may have spent time together the night before, but the blind sider did so out of obligation.
Blind Sides chip away at your ability to trust. If someone can break up with you when things seem to be going so well, you'll have a tough time avoiding paranoia and trusting your new partners.
This is so dead-on I want to cry. It's like they followed my relationships with Joseph and JC and wrote about them. I suppose I should first mention that I'm sucker for articles on love and dating like that one. You can call it a guilty pleasure but I read them because I feel understood and validated.
JC, of course, is a blind-sider. And hey, Joseph is both types of break-up, no wonder he's left me so messed up. He was my First Love and the break-up seemed to come out of nowhere; he came with me to my graduation ceremony and he broke up with me after it. And how about we add a bit of the Break-Up type #3, that relates to cheating? I felt stupid and tried to envision him with his shiny new girlfriend/wife. Although the Cheating Award should go to Art; he didn't cheat per se, but he made me feel stupid after he played with my feelings and put someone else in my place when he decided I was taking things too seriously (that's what you get for joking with leading a girl's feelings on, you disgusting piece of shit).
Aside from that, I have a lot of things to say, and all of them are connected to each other so I guess I should go chronologically.
I.
Whenever I complained about my job as a secretary, I'd ask myself: "self, what do you prefer: (a) work part time and not have JC in your life; or (b) work full time and have JC in your life?". I always picked (a), wholeheartedly and without hesitation. And I'd cheer myself up thinking that as much as my job stinks, it's only four hours a day.
II.
Last night I got a phone call from the Finance Manager of my workplace, in the middle of dinner. He told me a major project was approved and I'd be back full time. This made me burst in tears at the dinner table in front of my parents, because I didn't want to be full time again. It's not about the time, I would be willing to work more than eight hours a day if I liked my job. My mom told me I don't have to put up with a job I hate and my dad lectured me on how sometimes we have to do things we don't want, and that many people my age have jobs unrelated to their careers because that's how life is now. He said he'd support whichever decision I took, though, and they -my parents- had enough money to provide for the three of us.
After a long catharsis, I sat down and thought it all out. I told my sister and she was of the same opinion as my dad; I could do whatever I pleased but I had to think of the consequences, the gains and losses of each option. Long story short, I'm going to suck it up and stay, because:
- No job related to my career is coming my way;
- Getting a scholarship is my priority and I don't think another job would take me in knowing I plan on staying temporarily;
- I'll earn more again. I HATE citing money as a reason, but I guess this is the grown-up life and yes, MONEY is the Number One Reason why I'll stay. Money has brought me independence from my parents and I don't want to go back to ask them for it to pay for my own stuff. I have to save, for a bookcase, for living abroad, for a house, you name it.
III.
After a very emotional night last night, I woke up this morning strangely relieved. I had made my choice and figured that the full time job has not started yet, and it's the weekend, so I shall enjoy the present. My patient cancelled but I still was in a good mood and had a very productive morning. My friend/mentor W came over in the afternoon to fill my letter of recommendation for a scholarship application and told me he had a new patient for me; that's always great news.
IV.
I wanted to go out today but my two closest girl friends, Victoria and Monica, have boyfriends. I tried with my best friend Victor1 but he's slave to family schedule (he's the family chauffeur) and everything was complicated. I stayed home the whole day. I didn't mind that much, really.
V.
When I called Monica today, she told me JC had called her yesterday. Last time I saw her, we were discussing that he had completely gone missing from our lives. We figured he took distance from Monica too since she and I are now very close. In fact, Monica didn't feel like picking up the phone when he called her, because she is upset for what he did to me. Neither of us agrees with the practice of friends picking sides after a break-up, she just didn't feel comfortable picking up the phone, just like me. Talk about sister solidarity.
Anyway, I wasn't expecting any great news, I thought he just wanted to go back to being a close friend with her. But she started saying to me: he's very regretful, he doesn't know what to do, I told him we could meet up and talk about it. And of course I got happy and hopeful, but I just laughed as she was telling me these things. Like she was telling me a joke. It kinda felt like it.
VI.
I never got around to writing JC the letter like I said I would. I haven't felt like it. Maybe I considered it would be bad timing to write him the letter as a reply to the e-mail in which he spoke of his big project. I still was able to appreciate that he wrote to tell me about it. So all I replied in the end was a paragraph of references on behaviorism that may be useful for his experiment, and the last line said, "sounds awesome, man. Congratulations".
Victor1 has encouraged me to not keep my emotions bottled up and thinks it may therapeutic that I open up to him. I tried to write him yet another letter last night but I wasn't into it. You know, I felt very, very relieved after I wrote my last entry. And I kept asking myself "do I really need to get in touch with this guy in order to heal myself?".
VII.
After my initial reaction of "OMFGZ, I would SO take JC back!!!!11", I started to get very sad and angry. And cautious. Truth is, I'm still very damaged, and putting a name to what happened, a Blind-Side Break-Up, has given me more clarity. Plus, all Monica said was that he regrets what happened. Doesn't mean he'd like to get back together with me. I think he's afflicted because he knows he hurt me badly and screwed up our friendship and doesn't know how to make amends (hint: currently there's no way to do that because, guess what? I don't trust you. Kthnxbye).