Saturday, 03.06.10 - 7:08 pm.
I've dreamed of Joseph these last couple of nights. I can't remember the first dream at all, and about the second one, I only remember that I was at a bar and he came over to say hello. I debated whether to speak to him but I said hello back.
Hey, by the way, then my dream went on withouth him: I was on the 80th story of a building and an old man told me how to hang on to the furniture, because a major quake was about to happen. The building collapsed and I fell into a lake where I found dinosaurs. Joy. This is also the third time since december that I've dreamed that I'm standing on a ground that collapses beneath my feet, because of an earthquake or an eruption.
Speaking of collapsing, JC and I have been e-mailing. Well, I wrote him on wednesday, he replied yesterday, I wrote him back. In a nutshell ('cause it was long), I told him I knew there was awkwardness between us but I wanted to ask him if it'd be ok with him if I asked him to hang out once in a while. He said he felt awkward indeed because he knew I was upset and felt bad knowing that I was struggling to show my best face, while inside I'm hurting. Also, he said, he values my friendship and would love to go out for coffee.
I told him I'd leave the relationship in his hands and he said that I shouldn't do that because it's not his right to decide the kind of relationship he and I are going to have. I replied something that even surprised me:
Maybe this is what sounds like an external locus of control for you, but my influence on other people's choices have a limit. Imagine the drama if I had acted differently on the 19th [December 19th, when he "broke up" with me] (i.e. begging, crying, throwing water to your face like in soap operas). That wouldn't have changed anything in you. Call it if learned helplessness if you will, but you were the one who established what kind of relationship we were not going to have, and I couldn't do much about it, could I?
Only a blow to my hippocampus could make me forget what happened between us, what I need is to learn to live with it. I can do it with or without your help, and if you do choose to help me, I need for you to offer me a stable ground to stand on regarding you*. In retrospective, I never had that from you.
[* Maybe this has something to do with my dreams (!)...I don't know, it just ocurred to me. The JC-induced heartbreak and an earthquake are not related situations but it seems I'm using the same image to work through both in my head].
I am willing to make an effort to try to make our friendship work. Don't ask me why I'm doing it, I just want to. It hurts but I want to. He thanked me for doing things for him that no one in my position would. I thanked him for listening and for wanting to make an effort, too. But I don't know if he'll do it in the end.
I asked him to please give me a call this weekend if, in spite of all I've said, he still felt like trying to get along with me and wanted to go out. I told him that part of this "stable ground" I need from him, even as a friend, is to not tell me "maybe we can hang out sometime" but instead tell me "hey, let's do so and so on X day". He hasn't called...could be that he's just busy but anyway, I've given up waiting. I think we're doomed. I did all I could.
Scholarship applications are coming along but as soon as I think I'm finished, something else comes up and I can't turn them in. I will make the deadline but I wish I got rid of them inmediately. I am sick of filling out documents, wasting money on official papers and other materials...I'm tired and not very optimistic, it seems there'll always be better students than me. I'm not confident in getting either of the three I'm applying for. Yesterday I went to a conference on one of them and I learned of a mistake I made last year when I was pre-selected and called for an interview; at least, if I'm pre-selected again, I can make up for it.
I'm pretty stuck in life at the moment. I'm stuck at work, I'm stuck as a student, I'm stuck in my love life. At least I'm going out with CR later tonight. I need some distraction.
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