Tuesday, 09/10/02 - 5:12 pm.
Frog killed a small lizard this afternoon. A lizard the size of my thumb. I named his dead body Prozac, because only after death Project Mayhem Members do we get names. RIP, Prozac.
My leg has been asleep since I wake up (I have some problems with my knees) so from the knee down I've been in pain the entire day. Hi, my knee hurts.
In the beggining, everything was ok, I suppose. Sometimes I'd get attacked by the idea of having just around 45 more days of school left. School...hi, I'm finishing school.
Thank God Adri came over this afternoon to study math with me, or I'd have been depressed the entire day.
Yeah, sure, everything was ok...until the first recess arrived. A group of kids and I stayed in the hallway, because we were rehearsing for a role play. Norman is in the group. So of course, his best friend, Denver, was bound to show up and see him. BUT...he was not alone. He brought Claudia with him. And they were holding each other. I guess Art (he's in the group, too) noticed and realized that'd affect me and started to act jealous, being gay and shit, telling Claudia that she should get her hands off his man. But it didn't work, they were stuck to each other. I just tried not to look at them, and went to the girls' room. I thought it wasn't affecting me that much.
But when I locked myself, I broke down and cried.
It was like opening a wound...again. They won't let it heal. It was like I had this puzzle of a broken heart, I messed it up but someone put the pieces back together.
I realized I don't want him around anymore. Not that way. I don't want him around when he's cuddling with someone else, even if it's only his friend. I just want him to disappear.
And so, my day got worse. I tried to isolate myself on the second recess. I went all by myself to the cafeteria...but oh, happiness, I ran into Denver on my way down. I kind of smiled...but just because -Simeon states- I'm an urban person (hi, I have manners). I was thinking of him and getting to the conclusion that I didn't want him around and right then, we ran into each other. I kind of nodded as I was walking away from him, listening to the sound of his feet being dragged.
I spent the rest of the recess all by myself. Which is somewhat relaxing. Last year, and the years before, I could spend days without talking to anyone. I do miss being all myself sometimes. So I was listening to all the noise outside of me...but inside of me, it was silent. Not a sound was coming from me...not footsteps, not breathing...no heartbeats. There was a long minute of silence that repeated over and over again until the recess was over. A funeral, maybe...because my hope dies a little more everyday.
I spent the third recess laying down on the floor, like a forgotten rag doll under the bed. He walked me by, but I think he didn't even noticed. A few feet away, there was Carmen...AND Veronica. They were together! I hadn't seen such scene in a long time, and frankly, it just made me want to yell at them GETTHEFUCKOUTTAMYLIFE. Roberto was with them. Cel would come back and forth. But no one sat next to me. I think Cel has this gift of knowing when to leave me alone, and that makes her my perfect friend. Because I did want to be alone.
Later on, Roberto and the two girls walked by. I was covering my face and he leaned and asked something...
- Oh, go away, I mumbled.
- What did you say?, he asked.
- Uh, nothing. Hi.
- Hello, my love.
On the last period (lit) I cried. I told Vic why. Because of inertia, because my life is pointless, meaningless, senseless...and because of him.
- Me: Vic...save me?
- Vic: I know what you need, baby...
He showed me some Tool lyrics. I'll bring their CD tomorrow, I can't believe you've never heard any of their music...they're so...so your voices.
He said you give sense to a lot of people. I felt terrible for saying my life has no meaning. I have great friends like him, Art and Cel...I have a lot of things in life. But at the same time, I feel I have nothing. I don't want him around but I still have feelings for him. I am sad. I shouldn't be, but I can't be any other way. I hate him for making me feel unexistant. I don't think I deserve that.....I don't think he cares for what I think.
And as the walls come down and
As I look in your eyes
My fear begins to fade
Recalling all of the times
I have died
and will die.
It's all right.
I don't mind.
I am too connected to you to
Slip away, to fade away.
Days away I still feel you
Touching me, changing me...
And considerately killing me.