Healing hurts.
Friday, 03.19.10 - 10:16 pm.

I. No boys' night out tonight.
Right now, instead of writing this entry, I should be seeing Lighthouse DJing at some bar. I called him and asked him to go see Alice in Wonderland but he said he had this gig and invited me.

I felt compelled to go. I suppose I was sold on the unusually sweet tone I perceived from him. But then I thought, "look, if you hadn't called him, he wouldn't have invited you". I'm not mad that he doesn't invite me to these events. He either knows I'm not much of a bar-person or I'm not a priority person to him. Either way, it doesn't bother me. He's still fucking cute.

I would go if I didn't have to walk alone from the parking lot to the bar, which is like a block...I'm a bit paranoid, you could say, but it's also self-care. Also, I would go if it wasn't so late, or if we had met earlier, because the later it gets, the harder it is for me to leave the house without my parents' getting worried sick.

When I talked to Lighthouse I was at a restaurant with my parents, sister and Nephew #1. When my mom was getting into the car, she held on to the copilot's door just as my dad was slamming it because he had something to do before getting in the car. Luckily my mom's fingers are just badly bruised, without broken bones or ripped skin. Truthfully, I'd also have felt like a bad daughter going out leaving my mom like this.

Maybe I can see the boys tomorrow.

II. Systematic desensibilization.
I went to the Brain Fair today at my university. It's pretty neat getting there and finding students that, well, love me. I found a couple of girls that I'm really close to, Ivonne and Rebeca; they're in their 5th year, whereas I graduated a year and a half ago. They were hanging out with their friends, who also know me.

We were quite a bunch, eight people plus me. We headed to the fair and I was walking in front of the group, and someone said we were like a brain procession and the one in front should carry a brain that would be leading us. There is a brain leading us, Ivonne said, meaning me. Aaaaww, Jesus. These kids look up to me and think of me as such a smart gal. It's so flattering and heartwarming.

I entered the fair. The students and the professor in charge put a lot of effort in it and I'm pretty sure Brain Week has been one of the most succesful psychology events ever in the university. And you know what made my day? I HELD A HUMAN BRAAAAAAIN!!!!! I couldn't put it down. It smelled badly but it was unbelievably exquisite.

JC's ex-girlfriend, Melissa, was there. She's a 3rd year student and was at the Memory stand with another girl. JC was a couple of stands away, at the Drugs and Brain stand. I never saw them interact. I didn't feel awkward. I did, however, felt this awful pit in my stomach the whole day, which strangely went away until I entered their domains.

So at the Memory stand, I heard the explanation from a classmate and then Melissa appeared to wrap up the presentation. She is so incredibly nice and pretty and intelligent. She's really cool, and it hurt me to admit she and JC made a good match, regardless of their current and future relationship status.

I was nervous she'd be suspicious of me, or would know something about me, but...no. She even touched my arms and kindly said "excuse me" and "thank you" when I let her pass through. At the end of the presentation, we talked and even joked a bit and I couldn't help thinking that I'd have loved to get along with her...be her instructor, for instance, which is how I know most of the 4th and 5th year students. My friend/mentor W always praised her for being such a good student. I can tell. She and her classmate did an awesome job with the memory stand.

I moved onto the Drugs and Brain stand to hear JC's presentation. I'd waved at him before but he was always busy. He did an incredible job, too, he explained to me how marijuana screws your neurotransmitters and stuff. We chatted a little and then I walked away because other people wanted to hear him explain such things. I didn't get to say goodbye. I left with another former pupil of mine and he bought me ice cream, yay. Afterwards I texted JC to say goodbye and tell him it was an amazing event, and he was kind enough to reply.

This may seem bizarre, but talking to both JC and Melissa was very healing for me. I didn't feel awkward or mad...quite the contrary, I was having fun, and I admired them for all the things they know about the brain. They are on speaking terms again, I don't know if there's more to their interaction than that. But unlike with Joseph and his wife, I am capable of wholeheartedly wishing these two kids well in whatever relationship they decide to maintain, be it they continue being friends or decide to get back together (for the sake of my heart, God, please let it be the former).

My problem is getting over my hurt pride and believing JC doesn't want anything with me beyond a friendship. A part of me insists that can't be, even though evidence proves otherwise. That's what made me ache for the rest of the afternoon and up to now. And yes, it'd hurt me if he and Melissa (will you look at that, I call her name like she's a pal) got back together but...you know, whatever. I tend to think they won't, actually, but given that JC's feelings do change drastically (ha, ask ME), who knows.

My problem is not him, is not them. It's my feelings. My problem is that I'm turned down by the boys I fall in love with, that I feel lonely and I want a wingman, and I'm not going to find one any time soon. JC had many things I want in a guy, things Joseph didn't have. But he doesn't care for me that much anymore, he's moved on. He can remain single, he can get someone else...the point is I'm not part of his plan. And it sucks that someone you love doesn't have room for you in his life.

III. Happy news, psychology news!
- My last letter of recommendation has arrived, so now I can apply to my top scholarship choice!!! I will submit the online application this weekend. Cross your fingers for me.

- I have a new patient tomorrrrrow! Well, her mom. It's an adolescent, ZOMFG. I have to re-read the First Interview with Parents and stuff but I'm so, so, so happy.

IV. Happy birthday, Brother #3!!!
Indeed.

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