Sunday, 03.28.10 - 4:14 pm.
Tomorrow
I am going to the beach! This will give away how pathetic I've been throughout my life, but hey, tomorrow for the first time I'll go the beach with friends!
You'll see, last week I was all whiny about how I didn't have friends who invited me there or to any other day-long trip outside the city. Today it's the start of Holy Week and I have a week off. I have a lot of friends, great friends, but I am no one's priority. So certainly no one would invite me.
However, on friday I went out with my friend Victoria for lunch. She has a boyfriend (though they fight a lot lately) but he works until wednesday and she didn't have plans in the meantime. I mentioned my uncle had a ranch at the beach so we kind of measured the possibilities.
I've never asked my uncle to lend my his ranch. I love the place but I've only gone there with my family. I mentioned the idea to my dad and that same night he pushed me to get over the shame and call my uncle...I really appreciated that. He was, as usual, very nice, and so I'm going tomorrow! With Victoria, Victor2 and girlfriend and perhaps Victor1.
Yesterday
Yesterday was pretty awesome. I had two patients, back to back. The first one was an adolescent girl, our first session. I get paid for her. The second one is the usual gentleman that I've been seeing for free for a year and a half. Both sessions were very rewarding and made me feel like I'm in the right path, professionally.
In the afternoon, I met up with my awesome friend Virginia, who kindly made me switch OS, from Windows to Linux. I am having major glitches with three important applications, but I know they'll be sorted out. Other than that, I am incredibly happy with Ubuntu. I like it a lot and it's much faster. I'll gest the gist of it. She's still helping me a lot, the Ubuntu community is so helpful.
Today
I woke up at 4 am after a bad dream. JC had sent me a text telling me we should go for lunch instead of coffee today. Then he sent me two more that were a bit nasty...they weren't insulting, but he was saying something like we should call off our meeting and no, we couldn't even get together to play Nintendo at his house. It made me feel unwanted.
As a matter of fact, the first text was real. He'd texted me in the middle of the week to say we should get together for coffee. So today at 1 am, he texted me saying it was best for him if we got together for lunch.
He came a bit later than expected because he was having trouble at home. It's a complicated story to verbal and symbolic -occassionally physical- violence, mostly between his mom and cousin. I could tell he'd been crying when he arrived.
Over pizza, we just caught up on our lives. He did most of the talking and ate part of my food, because I eat very little. In retrospective, the spark from our old interactions was missing. But that's only understandable.
How did I feel? Not so bad. Actually, I'm not attracted to him that much anymore. Part of me would love the chance to date him but I'm fine if our relationship stays the way it is now. I'm hurt, but I can deal with it. Maybe by not dating him I'll be able to find someone more suitable for me. Eventually. In this life.
A bit before we asked for the check, I asked him...well, I *pointed out*, "you're talking to Melissa again, huh?" (his ex-girlfriend). He replies yes, they've been talking, discussing things...I don't know what's going to happen in the future. "You're starting to feel...", I said empathetically. I'd lie to you if I said that isn't true. I don't know if it was because he was in a hurry (he had to leave, anyway) or it was very uncomfortable, but then he got up and we went to pay the check. I don't think he's aware of the anxiety I felt, I think I hid it well (I don't have to hide it often, anyway, as we're not in touch regularly).
Right. So he'll get back together with her, sooner or later. It's not like I didn't see that coming. I knew something was wrong -or right?- when I saw them together two days in a row...and Victoria saw them at a coffeehouse, too. I was so haunted by that that I even thought he'd bring her to our lunch. What the hell?! I was so certain of that that I had this silly knot in my stomach.
Perhaps it's happening the same thing that happened with Joseph. I cannot picture Joseph or think about him without his wife. Now I won't think of JC without Melissa. Always a girl by the side of the boys I had so much faith in...and because they are with them instead of me, my pride hurts a lot. Without idealizing them, I think those guys are awesome, and they are, but they do not think the same about me, or else they'd have chosen me.
I suppose that's what hurts the most about JC, beyond *having him* or not. As a matter of fact, I repeat, I didn't feel entirely attracted to him this time. I know I would be if I had seen interest from his part, but whatever fake feelings he had for me, they're gone forever. His ex-girlfriend will get the second chance I'd hoped for with Joseph, I suppose.
JC told me we could do stuff this week, to give him a call to do something, because he doesn't really have plans; a family friend is here but there is nothing concrete at the moment. I'd been thinking of inviting him to the beach tomorrow...by now I have no expectations but I like him enough and I can bear with him, even if he has a girlfriend. Then I told myself that it's an unnecessary affliction, that it may make me look desperate, and that I should remember my bad dream and take it as a sign that in the end he always harms me.
Well, it's not HIM who keeps hurting me, it's my image of him. Of course it felt a bit like a sting when he said he may be is having feelings for his ex again but all in all, I enjoy his company and I'm not compelled to jump on him and slobber all over his face. I can have a conversation with him, I can look him in the eye when we talk. I pay attention to him and lean towards him because he knows how to engage you in the things he talks about. But I'm not dying to be in possession of his soul, I guess. I would be if he seemed to care about me that way, but with Joseph and JC I may have learned how to not love back if I'm not loved. Or at least not to get desperate when I'm not loved by people I love.
That's all I can say about that right now. It hurts, but I guess I can go through it without tears.
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