It's ok if I don't wake up tomorrow.
Monday, 04.12.10 - 10:29 pm.

I have enrolled in a narrative workshop. I'll take it for eight saturdays, from 2 to 5 pm. I hesitated. But I like writing, I figured I should know something about it. And I'll get to meet one of the best writers in the country. She's the one who will be teaching. I'm a bit scared but it's a new experience and I'm looking forward to it.

Add this to the course in child-adolescente psychotherapy that I'll be taking four days a week, 12 hours a month. And to my hour-and-a-half drum lessons every week. I'm really happy to have the chance to learn all this, It'll be good for my personal growth.

But...

It also makes me sad. It got me thinking that I'll be dedicating all that time to learning and no one will miss me in the meantime. I'm not giving up my time with anyone. Truth is, I am alone. And even though I have my family, a part-time job that pays the bills, the very basics of food, shelter and Internet (yes)...I feel lonely. I'm feeling very, very lonely. I'm happy, I insist, but a defeated voice in my head says, "well, what else would I do with all that free time?".

I've felt like crying for most of the day. I've been doing particularly good regarding JC but today at noon I got home and I felt so hurt about him. "Another one that got away with hurting me". I felt rejected. And what Art did angers me (I just blocked him and deleted him from my contact list on my messenger, like I did with JC). And what Joseph did just makes me want to kill myself, because the pain is so huge and I can't get away from it.

And I'm tired, in general. Tired of fighting for nothing. I make an effort to be positive but that's wearing me out. I haven't heard anything from either of the three scholarships I applied to; there are no good jobs coming along (at least I'm sure I'll be part time until July, that buys me some time)...and guys, guys just ditch me and dissapear to go tie their lives with other girls. I'm so sick of struggling and I swear to God if my brain wasn't so well developed and I was a bit more impulsive and less thoughtful towards my family, I would be ending my life tonight. By cutting open my arms, which is the only way I know.

The highlight of my day was talking to Angie over the phone. She and I seem to have a lot of emotional pain in common, except (1) I'm way more rational and thoughtful of my decisions and (2) I'm not married to a guy who says that he decides what's best for his wife. Angie has been to the psych ward and is taking antidepressants.

Still, we feel just as lonely. I was telling her I am no one's priority. I have a lot of friends, great friends who are there for me and who have my back. But all of them have their own "default" group; they are busy with people who are closer to them than I am. I don't belong anywhere or with anybody by default. I'm just an option.

Angie and I talked for one hour and a half. Half of the conversation was about her. I feel her pain, and I wish I could just rescue her from that marriage...I was never comfortable with it and she knows it. She understands now. But I'm not about to put her down for that. I know sooner or later she'll get out of that. It may take years but that thing is a time bomb. She went from one bad relationship to the other, withouth giving herself time to feel pain and heal. I wish she came back. I know I am a priority to her. I would take care of her.

The other half, you guessed it, was about me. I told her about the devastating episode in which I saw the pictures of Joseph's wedding. She rushed to Facebook and checked them out. I said I thought she had deleted him from his friend list. I did, but this guy hasn't turned on any privacy settings. Way to go, Joseph.

She pretty much walked me through his Facebook. I felt safe with her...she was my eyes and it was like she was holding my hand through it all. She saw the same pictures I saw and some more. She saw the baby boy; there's nothing particular about him and he must be one month old by now. There are pictures of the creature when he was just born, in the hospital. There is a pictures of Joseph holding the baby and a picture of the family after his wife gave birth. His Wall, according to Angie, shows that he spends the day playing Farmville, except for a post that says his son won't let him sleep. And he posted it at 11 am. Come on.

Angie says that I dodged a bullet. That I shouldn't sweat over this guy because frankly I got a weight off my back. Perhaps. He's just a guy. But my God, it hurts so much. I spent four years and a half building my life with him, thinking of the future with him, being promised everyday that I was The One for him, and suddenly (well, by now it's been a year and a half), he has a child with another woman. A woman he's in love with. A woman he took the time to plan a wedding with (you see the pictures, you know that ceremony wasn't planned overnight). It's undescribable the kind of pain this causes me. It's crushing me. It's physically crushing me.

And I hate being nothing for him. Just an ex girlfriend. An ex he only remembers bitterly for failing him. I know I failed him a lot. He failed me, too, but aside from the heartless ending he gave me, he was a great boyfriend and with him I got more than what I would have bargained for. He was what I wanted, flaws and all. Angie would interrupt me here and remind me he spends the day playing Farmville. I don't know if that's entirely true but right now I choose to believe it, and yes, that's pathetic. And I chuckle.

I am inmensely sad. I'm beat. I'm tired. I'm hurt. I'm so desperate.

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