I think the answer is "enough about his life".
Wednesday, 04.14.10 - 09:35 pm.

Before I go on my planned entry, let me give awesome news:

I AM SEEING AEROSMITH AGAIN!!! FUCKFUCKFUCK!!! Yesterday they announced they'll play in Costa Rica on June 1st and the moment I saw that I said, I'm there. I AM SO FUCKING THERE!!! I will travel by bus for 20 hours and God knows what else, BUT I WILL SEE THEM AGAIN!!!! I've been panicking since yesterday, and I've been so happy and anxious and hopeful that they won't cancel it and that I'll get good tickets.

It's like life, God, Someone is saying, "look, you're in a lot of pain over Joseph and you want to die over that, but cheer up...here, go fulfill the dream of your life. For the second time in your life!". Unbelievable. Now I'm more mature and grown-up so I'm going with friends and paying everything with my own money. Wish me luck!

Because of such happy news, I dreamed I met Steven Tyler and we hung out at his hotel room. He was there alone and I found him wandering in the halls. It was a great dream. Also, a few nights ago I dreamed that Jack White had come visit me and we were reading an animal enciclopaedia and I was translating everything for him and we'd joke and laugh. We even kissed, aaawww. Even though my thoughts have betrayed me lately, it seems there's a part of me that has made sure that I at least get some satisfaction while unconscious. Yay.

Ok, so by those news, you can tell I'm better since I broke down in my last entry. I cried a lot that night. I wrote in my paper journal. My eyes were puffy and I wanted to kill myself, for no other reason but because the pain from going through what I have regarding Joseph is just unbereable. Un-fucking-bearable. And Facebook stills shows him like a friend, and I see he's uploaded a picture of himself and his wife, making faces, on their wedding day.

The good side: I look at his face and tell myself what CR says to me about nearly everything in life: "dude, you're not missing out on anything". And I believe that. I do not envy his wife for having him nor both of them for having a child (even though I always envisioned myself having Joseph's baby). Even after crying so much, I was still able to rest my head on my pillow and think, "at least I get to have a good night's sleep". That is, instead of being woken up in the middle of the night by a crying newborn. One day I'll be glad to be woken up by such sounds, but it is not my time yet.

So I'm a whole lot calmer, but I'm still trying to figure out what the hell is this thing that doesn't leave me alone. Let's see: I am hurt because Joseph replaced me, quickly and painfully. I am hurt because he doesn't care about the pain he's caused me and instead he is very angry at me. Is that it? Doesn't sound like a lot to fret about.

I wonder if I feel guilty, too. I do take the blame for the end of the relationship, but seriously, I did the best I could, I did everything that was within my reach at that moment. If I wasn't what Joseph wanted, tough luck. I suppos I wish we had had a different ending, because at times, all of a sudden, I feel like being his friend. Obviously I lose that feeling inmediately. A part of me wishes the opposite but I guess it's best if I don't speak to him ever again.

I feel like I haven't had a closure, I said to my friend Victor1. I know we had great moments and all, but there's no merit in what I did with him. We were rarely outdoors, we never went out to do cool stuff, other than to eat or to the movies. And I'm afraid I didn't leave him anything. He was so important to me and he left me so many things, he made me grow up. I left him nothing. No memories, no great stories to tell about me, about us.

Victor1 replied: You don't have control over the way he sees how things happened, and of course he will put them in the terms that are the most convenient for him. ALWAYS. It's very rare, the person that comes out of a relationship and says "I was such a piece of shit".

Stop feeling sorry for that asshole. He's a big guy and you are not responsible for what happened. I understand how valuable that relationship was for you, but that was a while ago. You started walking on your own and you don't need those crutches anymore.

You are entitled to being in pain but not to making that pain the center of your life. You don't have to hide behind that security wall that this guy was, this guy that doesn't care for much. You grew up, yes, thanks to him, but without yourself, you wouldn't have grown shit.

And you grew up so much more when he decided to walk away. And he chose that. It wasn't you who tied him to a bed to keep him from doing things for his self-fulfillment. He's like that right now because he wants to. And he speaks negatively of you because he has chosen to be the victim of this movie. It's the same position he probably takes on about everything in life.

The road to get over this is to embrace the dark side, but also it's not just that. The rainbow has a lot of colors, you know.

Me: Well, I think that what kills me is to think that he has no remorse for what "he did to me". Quotations because really, he didn't do anything "to" me. He broke up with me and went on with his life as he pleased. But the way he broke up with me...I didn't have time to break up, to cut my ropes, so I was dragged down the road he took. Thus, I saw him moving on, with the girl that was already living with him, from the very first step he took away from me.

Victor1: He doesn't feel responsible for what happens in other people's lives. In fact, he doesn't seem to feel responsible for his own life.

Me: well, he did tell me he left responsible for his wife. He had to look after her, because her lifestyle put her at risk, whatever.

Victor1: light crap. Do you honestly think that he has grown up, if he's still doing the same things he did when he was with you? Swarm around life. With a wife and kid, but essentially, swarming around. My point is, enough of thinking about his life.

Joseph and I had to take different roads, fine. I can live with that. I completely understand that, cognitively and emotionally. And I made the most out of this horrendous break-up. I am a different person; free, smarter, outgoing, social, more sensitive and yet tougher than ever. I'm a grown-up.

But I still have to find out what's the thing that makes me ache and cry like it's 2008, 2009. Is it that he's gone? That I miss him? That he replaced me and I had to see his love story? That he only thinks negatively of me? That we didn't build awesome memories? I'll have to get back to you on this one, but what Victor1 had said has helped me a great deal.

Right now I'm looking at pictures of some friend and JC is tagged in them... his ex (?) is next to him. And...yes, I feel bad for what he did to me, too, pulling a Joseph on a smaller scaled. But right now he's just an annoying cockroach. He's just a dissapointment and maybe it's my ego talking but I want to tell him he can barely understand what an awesome girl he kicked out of his life. He sent me a text the night I was having a crisis; it was a very cheerful message about hanging out soon, although I suspect he was aware of my sad state (due to FB status and an entry in a personal blog of mine). I appreciated it, really, and said sadly to myself that that is pretty much the only thing he can do for me now. I will not reach out to him.

Let's end this on a happy note. It was my friend Victoria's birthday last night and we had a little get-together. I had a great time with friends and I got a picture with my dear friend Rod. I liked it so much that I made it my profile picture. I think it's the first PF in which I am with someone. I should start putting more of those, to remind me that the world is at my feet.

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