Sunday, 04.25.10 - 02:02 pm.
Oh, hey, Nephew #1 turns 18 today. Holy. Shit. Happy birthday, kid!!!
***
See, I haven't posted here what I've written about Joseph. But I've actually felt quite light-hearted about him lately, in spite of the hurtful memories...feels like I'm finally moving on.
Could be that I've been very busy. I haven't written here since thursday, and that day I went to my drum lessons and my psychotheraphy course. In between, I had a chocolate doughnut and vanilla milk in a humble cafeteria in the building where I take the course.
I had been wanting to go to the movies and on friday I was able to go with my dear friend Rod. We saw It's Complicated and boy did we laugh out loud. I love Meryl Streep and I could just so fucking relate: the divorced woman has to see how his divorced man moves on and gets a new family of his own. Of course I thought a lot about Joseph and how I actually feel divorced from him. And yeah, I'm experiencing the years-long journey that takes for one to feel normal again. To stop feeling divorced.
I suppose the ending is not what we would want, but rarely in life things are otherwise, romantically, as you can tell from my experience with Joseph. So you may say the ending of the movie was heartbreaking but therapeutic for me. I do hope Joseph is annoyed by the life he chose over me but regardless, there's no looking back with him. It hurts saying that. It sucks, but maybe it won't suck forever.
Still pending to post the letter. As it turns out, I have more important things to discuss than a devastating break-up with an ex (score!).
Yesterday I spoke to JC's mom for an hour. In my clinic. With her as the adult responsible for my new patient, JC's cousin. She forgot the appointment and came an hour later, but I had that spare hour so we hopped onto the case. It's very ugly, and the 14-year-old's story is just heartbreaking and a bad sign of things to come. But, maybe I can help. They are in desperate need of change and we're running out of time.
I was over at JC's house very often last year, as you may remember, and I saw his mom a couple of times. Luckily, she didn't recognize me this time, she just knows I'm a friend of her son (and doesn't know, for example, that I took her son's virginity). I'd feel a little sad whenever she'd mention JC, but I put that at the back of my mind to keep listening to her without white noise in my head, and I went back to that subject when the session ended.
And I realized I got sad because I like hearing JC's name and hell, I miss him. I was in love with him; I am not anymore because I make the effort, as I do with Joseph. Things could have worked out so well between us but then he just stopped having feelings for me. And that makes me angry. I feel punished, over nothing. I didn't do anything wrong and he still rejected me. Perhaps I shouldn't take it personally, but it feels that way. He. Did not. Want. Me.
Anyway: how ironic. He screwed with me and broke my heart and I get the chance to help someone in his family. The latter makes me really glad, though, and I'm trying to shift my focus about this whole JC subject to that particular aspect. I remember when I'd go to his house and see his two cousins living there. JC told me the story. Having been forced to detach myself emotionally from him and his environment for good, I now have a chance to establish a therapeutic alliance with his cousin. Cross your fingers for me, and for everything to turn out ok.
After JC's mom left, I saw my other adolescent patient. She's a nice girl, a bit too confident when it comes to her safety, but nothing that can't be improved. I'm done having exploratory sessions with her and we can start a new phase; we have a great rapport, she trusts me...I've just discovered how great it is working with teenagers. Working in clinical psychology in general is so rewarding. And I'm finally getting paid for doing what I love!
In the afternoon I attended the first session of a narrative workshop. I met the well-known, mind-blowing writer that teaches it and I gave her a copy of my book. Damn, I feel like a cockroach. But hey, it's so interesting and thought-provoking and fun. My friend Virginia attended too and it was comforting having her by my side, I was less anxious and we doodled on each other's papers here and there. Behind me there was a good-looking guy. I think. I didn't quite see him, I just know he's named after the Little Mermaid. Come on now.
Maybe it's because I've been so busy these days, but I don't quite feel the need to go out this afternoon. I could use a quiet afternoon at home. I may go to Monica's boyfriend's caf� (one may think that's the name of the shop, considering that's how I refer to it) but I'm good, really. I want to work on JC's cousin's file and catch up on my readings from the narrative workshop and the psychotherapy course.
And you know, I'm not feeling that tired anymore. I am, but I was more tired when I didn't have much to do. I'm motivated, I'm learning a lot: music, psychology, literature. I am not wasting my time, and I'm having a lot of fun. And I'm trying to put Joseph and all the devastation he brought behind me, where they belong.
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