Wednesday, 04.28.10 - 9:51 pm.
Thank you everyone for your words of comfort about my cat's death. I've received a lot of support from friends, including you, lovely readers; my friend Victor1 even brought me chocolates. I'm so grateful for it and it's made me feel better. I never got around to crying desperately like I wanted, I don't know if I processed the pain or it's hidden somewhere. Either way, I'm more calm today. My cat Nena has turned into a people cat overnight and hangs around us more often, she's also looking for comfort, I guess. She seems to be doing well enough.
Today was great, I spent it with my friend Victoria. She came over in the afternoon for lunch, we went for coffee along with my Nephew #1, we walked to a pretty art gallery near my house, we hung out in general and I took her home after dinner. We talked about many things, she's awesome company. I really enjoyed today with her, I needed some girl time.
One of the things we talked about was Art. Let me remind you: Art is, err, was a high school friend of mine. He lives in LA. Last year, around June, I think, we started to get flirty online, and then more than that, to the point that I made plans to fly to LA to visit him for a week. I was very excited about this turn of events, until one day I woke up to the news that he was "in a relationship" with another friend from high school. Who lives in the same country as me, that is, not in the US.
When I confronted him, he didn't give a shit and said he was just playing around because they wanted to see other people's reactions, and victimized himself saying he just wanted to have a little fun. But they seemed pretty serious, actually. And as Fight Club says, "her lie reflected my lie". I was very naive to fall for Art and even thinking of having a long-distance pseudo-relationship, but that's what he wanted me to believe. I felt very stupid for engaging in that game, it was a lie. And their "relationship" made me realize that.
I'm very hurt because he played with my feelings and betrayed my trust. We were good friends before that. I've deleted him from my messenger contacts, I'm still considering doing the same for Facebook but I don't quite care about him anymore. Art is actually a very average guy, who was very smart, had a lot of opportunities and skills and blew it all away. He spends the days working on retail and eating junk food and getting drunk, so I'm not missing out on anything (which is something I wouldn't say about Joseph or JC).
I've seen them lovey-dovey over Facebook messages to this day but it has fake written all over it. They weren't close in high school and they don't match. Victoria told me today that by now they've been "together" for 8 months, though they haven't seen each other since 2002. What a joke. I'm lucky he dumped me early, no?
...but honey, this is how he works: he's your pal. He tells you pretty things. You think he's serious. You fall for him. He gets scared when you get serious. He dumps you and preferably overlaps you with another girl to drive you away quickly. But you won't believe me. You'll learn it the hard way, like I did.
I kind of felt like talking to this girl about what she's into and what I've gone through, and I could only put this as a FB status...do I have the right or the responsibility to let her know? I'm all for girl solidarity, the world could use a lot of it instead of having girls ripping each other apart. Like I did once, she's been making plans to go visit him and then he makes up excuses to keep her from boarding the plane. But I don't know. I guess I won't say anything. Maybe that'd be too nosy of me and who knows if she'd believe me.
Last night I got a phone call from JC. Part of me was expecting it, you know? I hoped he'd learn about my cat's death and call me. When Frog died, Joseph wasn't there for me, not even a phone call (*I* called him after I put her to sleep). Mister died and JC called me to say he was sorry for my loss. He's not my boyfriend, like Joseph was, but he's someone I appreciate getting some attention from.
We talked for 45 minutes, it was a great, fun conversation! The cat was just the beggining. I think we are really reaching a point in which we can be, and are friends again. I was very comforted and comfortable. We have a wonderful chemisty but now I know he's not attracted to me that way and I think I'm ok with that, and I'm getting there too. However, of course, it still makes me very sad to think what a great couple we could have been and how stupid he was by playing with my feelings, and I certainly do not want to know how things are with his girlfriend.
But you know, he was just stupid. He wasn't mean on purpose and he's made visible efforts to keep in touch with me on good terms. He calls me to go grab a bite, to let me know he's on a radio shift, says hi via text message when he's near my house (his thesis partner lives in the area), comments on my FB things. Last night's call meant a lot to me. I can say that JC has had a good heart for me all along, and has kept it in the aftermath of our short-lived romantic relationship. I wouldn't say the same about Joseph or Art. Art didn't take me or my feelings seriously and Joseph only thinks of me negatively*. I deserve an apology from both of them but I'm sure I'll never get it.
(*I still have to address this Joseph issue at lenght, but you know that old social psychology saying: you don't just hurt the ones you loathe, you loathe the ones you hurt. It's a defense mechanism, victim blaming. He starts living with another girl, breaks up with me, shoves what an amazing new life he has in my face and yet is ambivalent about our break-up, marries her and knocks her up...and I'm the villain. I made a lot of mistakes in this relationship, horrible mistakes, but not once did I do something so bad to deserve such a devastating treatment that harms me to this day).
Tomorrow will be a long day. After work, I have drum lessons and my first meeting with my clinical psychology advisor, to follow up on one case for my Child-Adolescent Psychotherapy Course (which will be JC's cousin). I'm sorry to inform that I have chosen to drop out of my drum lessons, but hopefully just for a few months. Both things cost the same and I can't afford paying double the amount I am spending now. I am already spending more than I earn (thank God for my saving habits!) and the Aerosmith concert is coming up.
I'll go shower and then read a little before going to bed. Regardless of the hurtful ghosts, things are going well and I'm doing great. And I know even better things are yet to come.