Wednesday, 05.05.10 - 9:43 pm.
I'm getting better at calling Lighthouse to hang out, I think. By that I mean I've reduced my hesitation time from several days to half a day. I called him yesterday to see if he wanted to see Iron Man 2 at night and he said yes. I proceeded to call CR a few hours later with the same purpose and Lighthouse had already called him.
At times I suspect that Lighthouse likes me sliiightly. But then I see how he rushed to call CR to join us, and...nah. Or when I met them at the movie theater...they were together and saw me from far away after I bought my cappuccino (nom!). CR stared at me -which made me feel uncomfortable- but Lighthouse just turned around and got in line to buy the tickets, not once looking at me until I reached him in line. Then he hugged me. We hug hello and goodbye, I don't quite get why, we don't even speak when it's just the two of us around. My mind goes blank, man. Seriously. It's just silence or some silly conversation about the weather.
I know he doesn't like me that way, but I'm not complaining. See, I sat next to him at the movies and that was enough for me. He's a good-looking man. I told this story in here last time I went to the movies with them, but it happened again yesterday: when I was waiting for them at the movies I saw a poster and said, "hey, there's Lighthouse". It was the poster for "Remember Me"; so yeah, he's kinda nice to look at. And he listens to me, most of the times. And he's still gentleman enough to walk me to my car. With CR, of course.
It's like I have an asexual two-headed boyfriend.
Sometimes I do feel like these two guys make up for a boyfriend in my life. I often don't see them during the week but I'm always looking forward to hanging out with them. CR tells me nice things and tends to drool when he sees me, and I have a tiny crush on Lighthouse, so for a triangle, things are pretty balanced: I have my needs of loving and being loved met, albeit by two separate people.
Speaking of guys (how strange), I was advised not to take JC out for his birthday and I frankly agreed. I did not feel like it. I wondered whether to do it, because I'm very fond of him and all, but I wasn't entirely comfortable with the idea. I think I'm getting over the fact that he built up my expectations just to dump me before we could get started. No, really, I've been feeling ok with that. It's the girlfriend thing what gets me.
But, you know, I'm a sucker. He called me this afternoon. We talked for 20 minutes, just silly stuff and updates on his life. He's also helping me get the World Cup fever and he's pumped about it because he loves soccer; he sent me an e-mail with pictures of half-naked players to motivate me, he said. Good one! So since we are in such nice terms, I couldn't help it and told him we could go celebrate his birthday, given that he didn't have any plans. But see, technically that's not an invitation, we didn't agree on anything in particular. It's up to him to call me.
On the other hand, I've been feeling pretty good about Joseph! Imagine that! I don't know how to explain it...I feel free. Or like I've ellaborated my pain. Like, "yeah, I blew it with him, big time. But at the time, I did what I could, the best I could. I can't make it up to him for my mistakes now, so what's the use? He made mistakes too. He chose to leave me and he has what he wants, he's happy with that". It hurts when I think of how unfair all this was, but also, my life is awesome nonetheless.
Could be that I'm at a peak, as CR said. On Sunday, at the recording studio, he made this graph about my highs and lows in my recovery, and stated that I'm still waiting for The Big One, the Big, um, Low. Which, I think, will come when I run into him or when I witness -again- how happy he is with the life he chose over me.
But that hasn't happened yet, has it?! So I'll just party in the meantime.
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