Saturday, 05.22.10 - 11:04 pm.
I was waiting for a friend to show up, in front of someone's yard. Then out of that house comes Joseph, followed by his wife in a suit; like she's a flight attendant or works in a bank.
Then I am standing next to their car. Joseph walks by me and tells me he's going to a mall. I think "nobody asked you". Then I hear him say to her something about giving her a ride instead of her taking the bus. He drives off with her.
The friend I was waiting for turned out to be Cel. She shows up and says she needs to go into that house, Joseph's house, to retrieve prosthetic legs. I make excuses, I can't go in there. But I go in, reluctanctly. It's Joseph's parents' house.
She gets lost inside and I wait in the dining room. Joseph's mom shows up and talks to me. Then I'm sitting on a couch next to my dad, and he starts crying because he's deeply sorry that Joseph and I broke up.
Joseph walks into the house, alone. His mother brings his son into the dining room for me to meet him. I refuse. I try not to look at him, I cover my eyes with the back of my hand. She's shoving the baby into my sight and he seems chinese to me.
I wake up.
And I think, man, this is the second time I've dreamed something like this. First off, seeing Joseph's wife in a suit. Perhaps I think she's superior to me? Not for me per se, but you know...to society's eyes. To Joseph's eyes. She wears a formal suit, a sign of success; I can barely wear high heels from time to time.
Cel used to be Joseph's neighbor before she took off to Canada, years ago. My dad didn't like Joseph. In these dreams, Joseph lives in a big house, but it's always his parents' house and I think he never has a job. I do picture him like he spends the day locked up in his house, with his wife and baby; perhaps just to make myself feel better.
And, you know, I'm not intrigued by this dream so what you're reading here is pretty much what I thought when I woke up, and I don't care for going further. I just know that my mind keeps ellaborating and trying to shape my present without him, knowing that he isn't dead. He has a life after me and a better one, it seems. I don't know. I could be wrong. I do get the feeling he thinks it's better for him because I'm not in it, and instead, he has his dream girl.
Since a couple of weeks ago, I've been able to smile again and feel entirely ok without him, though. I still have no word on any scholarship, but my psychotherapy course, my narrative workshop and the fact that now I see four patients at my clinic (thus I'm officially a clinical psychologist and I'm finally getting paid for that) make me feel incredibly accomplished and happy. Not to mention, Simeon has been registered as my intellectual property and now my cartoons are legally protected.
[and I think it's time to migrate this diary, because the name maybe googled from time to time...I don't want to leave DLand but I don't want to start from scratch either; I wish I could move my nearly 4000 entries to another username. Suggestions?]
I say this often and I say it again: I think about Joseph everyday. Sometimes I give myself too much credit but in general I know he doesn't think of me, busy with his brand-new family as he is. Today I had a hunch, that I'm not done with him. That we'll meet again, as the cartoon villains always say. And I'll get closure. I thought I'd like to meet up with him, catch up, clear up some misunderstandings.
Then I told myself: "don't kid yourself. You don't want to see him". It's true. I don't. And I'm scared of running into him every place I go and I hope to look pretty if I ever run into him; I know I'd force a smirk if he chose to acknowledge my presence, but that's not to say I don't have any hard feelings. My ego (I don't mean just my pride, I mean my self as a whole) is badly bruised and has a permanent scar. It hurts. I hurt.
A few days ago, my friend Victor1 showed me a letter his ex-girlfriend sent him. She broke up with him years ago, it was very nasty. She had a couple of boyfriends after him and then got married with a kid. In the letter she was telling him she still has strong feelings for him and was remembering very intimate moments (I was thankful by the trust Victor1 put in me to let me read such things). And she told him he was the love of her life and missed him, blah, blah, blah. Basically, things I would like to hear from Joseph.
However, that doesn't mean I would fall for such thing. That's just my hurt ego's wishful thinking. Victor1 was also devastated by the turn of events with his ex, but he thought of replying to her the same things I'd reply to Joseph (though I think he's so over her by now that he just won't reply at all): So? What do you want me to do, to have an affair with you? You broke up with me and you're married with a child because you chose that.
But it's not like Joseph would feel that way about me again. He was very clear that he'd stopped loving me (that line, "we should have broken up long before"? ouch) and that this girl that unexpectedly showed up at his doorstep one day, after having had a platonic affair seven years ago, was the real deal for him.
Joseph is not coming back to my life. I am a distant memory for him...my only claim to fame in that long list of ex-girlfriends of his is that I was the last one before he got married and that we lasted a lot (to be honest, I do pray for his marriage to last less than we lasted; but I doubt I'll get my wish). And, dear God, if I ask for a chance to meet him again, please do not listen to me.
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