Saturday, 06.03.10 - 6:49 pm.
This morning I had a horrible nightmare. I had a patient at 8 am and I woke up at 9:45 am. It was horrible because it looked real. I was so scared that I wondered if it was a dream, and when I wonder, I realize it is. I didn't this time.
LOL, I guess.
But actually, I was worried. I had to see JC's mom, my patient's aunt, at 8 am. Last week I didn't see her because of a misunderstanding and I didn't show up, and now I was so scared that I'd sleep in that I dreamed this. I also think my brain noticed I set the alarm to 7:45 am instead of 6:45 am, but instead of informing me, it scared the shit out of me.
But I made it on time. It was a great session. Then I had my other patient, an adolescent, with whom things are just running smoothly. It was a long morning, but very rewarding. I came home with a grin and with tears piling up. I love my job as a therapist and right now things seem to be going well on that front.
This week seemed to be a little miserable for me but it wasn't so bad in the end. My friend Ahmed, who works with the main donor of the organization I work at, came to visit. It was a quick trip just to make the close-out of this donor official. He came about a year ago for a retreat, which is when I met him. We became good friends overnight and we write each other once in a while. He sends me postcards from Ethiopia and Jordan.
This time he brought me a scarf from Ethiopia and gave me two books. I took him out on wednesday night for a couple of drinks. No, yes, I had a drink, a screwdriver. And french fries. And we talked a lot, he'd be a great therapist. He asks really good questions and notices things you do and stuff. He gave me money for gas and bought me M&Ms at a gas station, too.
On thursday I only saw him for lunch, he invited employees and former employees and it was good times, really. I like the people, but I almost didn't go because...well, I do not enjoy working there. But I gotta hang in there for the money. Sad, yes, but I can do it because it's only four hours per day. He left on friday noon, so we didn't have another chance to talk. He showed me pictures of his wife and beautiful baby girl and from his trips. It'd be awesome to have him around more often, he could teach me a lot of things.
On thursday we celebrated Father's Day here. If you must know, we showered my dad with tons of love and gifts and food and it was a great time to remember what a remarkable job he's done raising us five kids. Thanks, dad. I love you and I'm forever grateful.
Speaking of Father's Day, this was Joseph's first. I didn't get sad at all, I just pretty much "stared" at that fact and let it go. I sure wish he would have carried my babies, and that they were his too. But from a rational point of view, he wasn't in psychological and material conditions of being a good parent when he left me (neither of us was). But hey, some people only grow when they're forced to, and it's quite possible that he will be a good dad anyway. And hey, maybe I was a bit scared of him raising my children.
You know what's funny? Last week I remembered that many, many years ago I saw a Peter Pan play and I wished for a Peter Pan in my life. I got my wish, huh? Funny.
And this week I started to feel that having him on Facebook is a burden in my life. I was about to delete him but I'm not there just yet...I still fantasize that I'll do something awesome and that he checks my profile from time to time. But yes, it bothers me having him...that fantasy, right there, is a burden.
We are done. It hurts to say it but it's just the truth. He's not coming back to my life and, God willing, I won't run into him ever. It's difficult...we live five minutes away by car and it's a small city, country, world. But it's been a year and a half and so far so good.
*Sigh* I tell myself that I'll do it once I finish my book. I only need to work on three more stories, but one is the hardest because it's pretty much my grieving process after losing him. I gotta hurry, though.
Happier news: the adoption process of a dog is coming along, and if all goes well, I may have a 7-year-old female next week. I'm concerned about the reactions from both my cat and my parents but...I trust everything will go well. I'm excited and happy to give her a home.
Lastly, I am lonely. I've stopped fantasizing about Sam, *cough* mostly because he doesn't speak to me anymore. I allow myself to do it sometimes, though, following the logic I once used with Lighthouse: "well, what else could I occupy my feelings on?". No one that I wish was interested in me is actually interested in me. The story of my romantic life, I guess, except for Joseph. And look where that ended.
But fear not! I am well. I could be better, and I will be better eventually. But life is good.
prev / next