Wednesday, 06.23.10 - 9:13 pm.
JC had a car accident last night. He was at a stop sign and a drunk driver hit him from behind and sent him spinning across the street. He was knocked unconscious and taken to the hospital. I'm supposed to see the story on the news tomorrow. JC wrote me this afternoon to tell me, so at least I know he's at home, with his mental faculties intact and with enough mobility to use a computer properly.
I'm gonna be honest: I couldn't worry at first. I was concerned but I didn't...I couldn't...I was detached, I guess. It's what I've tried to be since we parted ways, romantically, in December. I thought of e-mailing him back. Then I thought of sending him a text. I decided to call him because I figured that was the right to do. I called him because I knew he'd do the same for me.
He sounded beat up. I asked him if he'd press charges and said no. His car has insurance and he doesn't need any special medical attention. He's injured but there are no internal damage or broken bones. He said the drunk guy probably would have enough with causing such trouble and persecution wasn't necessary.
You know, sometimes, his cousin or his mother talk about him in our therapy sessions. JC's mother says he has a heart of gold. When they mention him my heart skips a beat. I put it in the back burner and continue focusing on what's important, but after the session I have a little debriefing with myself and I realize a part of me is still in love with him.
Or maybe that's too strong a word. Let's say I care about him a lot and would have liked to have a real chance with him. I don't have any urge to get together with him in the present. I remember our times in his bedroom, or the weekend we spent at the cabin and I smile. You know how I can't smile when I think of my times with Joseph, even though they were great? I am capable of smiling with JC, in spite of everything. As a friend or a lover, he's been a great companion. So yeah, I care a lot about him.
Sometimes I get angry at him, though. I'm angry and hurt that everything seemed to be going so well and suddenly he rejected me; he made me build expectations and then he got back to his ex-girlfriend. If I dwell on it too much, I may cry. I don't feel like I lost him, though, -unlike with Joseph- because we still talk and we have a very good friendship. I think I was able to overcome most of my resentment and that makes me happy. But sometimes I'm still bitter and sore by that nasty episode between us. I still resent him.
Then I remember that heart of gold thing. He was so, so stupid, but...yes, he's a very noble person, I thought so today when he explained why he wouldn't press charges. He meant no harm to me. I suppose one day (not in the near future, obviously) I could tell him how I feel, the resentment part, for the sake of catharsis and because I think, perhaps irrationally, that the only justice I could get is that guys are haunted by their guilt over hurting me. Joseph would never feel that, so maybe I'm looking for someone who will.
So I called him and I went to class. I had an awesome class on play therapy, with adolescent and role playing included. On the way home I was still concerned by my lack of reaction about JC's accident. All I could say was, "oh, man. What a shame".
Then I came home and thought, "hey, as a matter of fact, I DO wish I could do something for him, show some support". I can't see him, I can't go to this house to visit: he "broke up" with me so I'm automatically banished from there (he wouldn't kick me out, I just refuse to go back) AND my patient lives there. So I've decided to send him a funny link everyday for a week, make him smile...I call it The Daily Endorphine. Who knows if he even needs my support. He has his girlfriend and tons of friends. But still, he reached out to me. That's gotta mean something.
So tonight I chose something to send him and as I was writing him, I did feel like crying a little. It actually hurts me that this happened to him. He could be dead right now. Sometimes I think about Joseph and I think, "damn, what if he dies?". That's a topic for another entry, but yeah. JC dead. I can't quite grasp the concept and I think I just should be thankful that I don't have to.
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