Saturday, 09/14/02 - 3:19 pm.
The Tylers will be on soon, I should hurry up with this entry.
No. Not really.
Today I had a math class. Adri and I will take classes every saturday morning. The teacher is very nice. We worked for about two hours and I felt intelligent...err, not like I consider myself stupid (well, at least not that stupid), I just mean that I got the feeling I was learning and understanding everything.
My mom says Adri has the voice of an angel on the phone. She is like a baby girl. She's one of the sweetest, cutest girls I've ever met. If I ever have a baby girl, I hope she is like Adri.
Well, so we worked, she stayed for lunch and then we dropped her off at the school where she's taking english classes. I got the chance to ride around town with my parental units. I like going for a ride around town, but I hate to see the ambivalences of this miserable hellhole.
Here are some news items:
- My cousin got ran over by a car a few days ago and he almost got killed. My parental units went to visit him at his house after he was released and they were impressed by his injuries. I almost cried when they told me about them. I'm not sure I want to see him, because I'd cry, but I want him to know I think of him, so I'm sending him a "hi, get well" card by snail mail.
- My parental units are going out of the country in two weeks, for an entire weekend. PAAAAART'AYYYY!!!!!!...not. Suicide. Ok, neither, really. But I'm glad, they'll have a blast and I'll get to sleep in a king size bed.
- I asked The Guy if he had something to tell me...I was hoping he'd let me know he's dating someone. No, really. Nothing's happened to me. So everytime I see him with her, I grin. I don't know why, but I swear that grin comes from the heart.
- My dad got a book published and I'm very proud of him. It's like his autobiography but he's changed his own name, and he also describes the 80's civil war...the un-official history, what the people really went through. Yay, my dad will never die.
- I love Aerosmith.
- I don't see Fidel anymore, because he's been sucked up by two girls (literally, of course). No, I'm not jealous. I just miss him, because he's never alone, and therefore, I can't talk to him the way I used to. But overall, it's alright.
- I feel dumb for worrying about myself in a world like planet Earth.
After reading my last entry, my voices stated, and I directly quote: Damn, you *are* fucked up. Ever thought of getting serious help?.
Last night, I wanted to talk to someone, but there wasn't anyone to talk to. And I cried. I felt so desperately lonely. And I realized that I'm an insecure person, and that what I feel inside is fucked up beyond repair, and no best friend can make me heal. I was thinking of asking Geovanni, the psychology teacher, for help. But I really...I really don't want to.
I wake up sad everyday. I go to bed earlier because I find no meaning in being up. Nothing cheers me up anymore. I smile when I'm with my family, and I've never felt so fake in my life. But I'm glad to be fake for situations like this one. I escape from depression when we all get together to share a meal. I do enjoy being with them, but deep down, I'm still empty.
The only thing that makes me want to look forward to the future is the fact that after X day, I'll be done with a school assignment and I'll be able to forget about it. No more. Carpe diem is my answer when I have nothing to look forward to, but I can't even enjoy the moment, seize the day. I'm wasting my life.
I want to kill myself. OD or bleed. I am Jack's generation with freedom to choose its own death.
Well, I suppose my biggest problem is that I have one too many reasons to live and one too many reasons to die.
Don't you have something in between? With french fries as a side dish?