His voice over the phone.
Saturday, 08.07.2010 - 11:43 pm.

I heard Joseph's voice today, through the phone.

But first, I have to tell you that I met up with Lighthouse and CR. I didn't expect that to happen, and as usual, the most awesome moments with them are not planned nor expected.

I was invited over to Lighthouse's after noon. In the morning, I'd met with my friend Virginia for coffee and to write a plot for the Animation Team. I'm quite pleased with the result, we may have a winner with this. But we won't win. Storyline may rock, animation may rock, but I always think these award things are set up. I was thinking about that on my way home from the coffeehouse, which is near my house. I walked home, I love walking.

Anyway! I went to Lighthouse's house, after 2 pm, really. I found a very hung-over CR and Lighthouse was taking a shower. I've been baking cookies this week so I took a few. CR looked excited about them, so did Lighthouse, but they didn't eat them.

And they explained to me, they were fasting. CR hadn't eaten in four days, Lighthouse in three. Ah, for the love of God, these boys are full of surprises. They were only allowed -by, uh, themselves?- to drink healthy fluids. That includes beer, yes, That's why they were a bit hungover.

You know what I love? I love spending time in a boy's bedroom. There's something so familiar about sitting on a couch, while a good looking guy comes fresh out of the shower and starts putting away his clothes. After Lighthouse, CR took a shower, too. He looked pretty handsome after that, really. Especially with his Itchy & Scratchy t-shirt.

Lighthouse was proud, showing me his new black Wii. He told me to make a Mii and play Wii Sports Resort, which was so awesome. That's another nice sign of closeness to me: I have my own Mii in a boy's Wii. I didn't have it when I was with JC, and he was such a Nintendo boy. But keep in mind, I mostly went into JC's bedroom to passionately make out with him. I have no physical contact with neither CR or Lighthouse, so what else would I do in our bedroom time, other than play Wii? Also, that way I won't mess with Lighthouse's score.

We played Wii for a while, the boys smoked pot, a guy named Richie showed up and they smoked some more in the yard. You could barely see anything, there was fog and drizzle. Lighthouse was starving so we went out to a place that sells the best juices and shakes.

At that place, I asked Lighthouse if he was dating Anna, the girl that came along the last two times I met with him. I asked because at the juice place he called someone with a mellow voice and got away from us for about 10 minutes to talk privately.

But it turns out that it didn't work out between them. Could be many reasons, but the one he gave me was something that matched my impression: she didn't say a word. I am a quiet person, but at least I nod and smile and acknowledge my presence in a conversation. She barely did that. In a way, I'm glad he kicked her out.

Ok, yes, I would have felt a bit jealous if they had hooked up. I don't have a crush on Lighthouse anumore, but it's great that he, CR and I are single; they're the closest thing to a boyfriend that my bruised and affection-starved heart has. These past weeks, I'd had the feeling that this relationship was running its course, but after having so much fun today, I think it hasn't, and I'm glad about that. I may see them tomorrow, and they may even come to my house.

So after talking about her, and about fasting, and growing pinneaples near a river to sell them to Canada (no, really), we went back to Lighthouse's house. We watched Reservoir Dogs. I took that movie, and Snatch. I gotta be very picky when it comes to the movies I see with them; all the testosterone-fueled best for my boys.

Oh, yeah. So Joseph over the phone! He called CR, and CR was sitting next to me, so I got to hear his voice.

And that's it.

I didn't understand a thing, but I think he wanted CR to come over to his house and bring him something. It sounded marijuana-related, so I'm either wrong or this guy has welcomed a new habit. I think it's the former; they could have been talking about money or Magic The Gathering cards or enemas, for all I know (CR and Lighthouse say that if you continue fasting after the seventh day, you need to have an enema everyday). CR told him he was out of town and wouldn't come back until tonight but most likely tomorrow. I acted like I wasn't listening. But I did get lost on that part of the movie.

I didn't feel bad. Last night I was a block away from his house, at some mexican restaurant where a friend was playing with his band. So close, man, and yet I felt safe because I knew he wouldn't show up to that place. Most of the times I pretend Joseph is dead, though, so it is a blow to see a sign that he's alive.

I actually started to fantasize about meeting up with him, and so I missed another part of the movie after CR hung up. You know, these days have been hard on me regarding Joseph. Every once in a while, I relive the pain of everything that happened like it happened last week. I even went to bed crying one of these nights. Come October 18th, it'll be two years since he broke up with me, but whaddayaknow: I haven't let go of him.

My friend Victoria wonders, and I wonder, what the hell I am missing. Cognitively, I've done my homework. I've processed the break-up, it was for the best indeed. I am in love with him like I am in love with Steven Tyler: not a chance in hell with the guy. And I'm ok with that. It hurts the whole This Girl Showed Up On My Doorstep And I Couldn't Wait to End My Four Year Relationship With You To Marry Her Four Months Later And Then Have A Kid With Her, but...you know, shit happens. I suppose I would have wanted things to end differently, but that's how it all went. That's how the world works.

Now, emotionally...I break down once in a while. Like I did a couple of days ago. And then I hear Joseph's voice and I think about meeting up with him. I wouldn't do it, really. But in my fantasy, I wasn't a weepy, devastated little girl, but a confident, inmensely hurt woman, that wouldn't cry in front of him but treats him with agressive fondness.

I suppose I've tried to put myself in his shoes: I'd hate to see my ex in pain over me after two years of being apart; not only I'd feel bad and a bit guilty, I'd despise him a little for being weak. But then, what about MY shoes? I am devastated, indeed. I just...I just didn't lose my time. I had my share of crying, I didn't sleep more than three hours many nights, but I also worked on my coolness. I am a stronger, more awesome person.

I am now the person he always wanted me to be. He wouldn't take me back and I'm not begging for that. I'm just saying, I became a lot of things that are good for me. And this is what he would see. I KNOW that if for some awful reason I had to sit with him at a bar and talk to him, I would show him my poker face, even against the hurt little girl inside of me. I would kick myself afterwards for not showing him my true feelings, the feelings of anger, sadness, desperation and impotence...but then, what he'd see, my coolness, my strenght, my witty replies, my ironical remarks, those come from true feelings, too.

Victoria asks me what I need to close the Joseph chapter, and suggests talking to him to sort things out between us. No way. I don't want to face him; plus, the list of discussion topics about our relationship would take hours to go through and I don't think either of us would give (I know my flaws and mistakes, but I don't think he'd be kind enough to see things my way). I know I think, even wish for running into him, but I'm better off with all this distance between us. He has nothing that I want. I liked his tattoos, I got my own; I liked how free he was, I freed myself from many things.

It's a nice surprise to find all this strenght within myself. You should have seen me bawling a couple of nights ago, and now I was even happy to hear his voice. I even felt like getting in touch with him, talk like good friends and get over with everything.

But quite frankly, regarding Joseph, I am ridiculously volatile.

Frog passed away two years ago yesterday. I remember that day Joseph couldn't get his ass of his house and come over to comfort me. I take the date of Frog's death as the date I started to lose. I have won much more than I ever imagined, but from August to May, it was tumbling after tumbling with Joseph, plus the change of lifestyle that entailed the end of my life as a student.

But that's also what brought me to be drinking juice with fasting pot-smoking funny guys.

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