Wednesday, 08.18.2010 - 10:11 pm.
I had dinner with JC tonight. I've meant to write in here the last couple of days, about how he's been contacting me. On sunday afternoon he texted me asking if I was free for coffee, but I wasn't. I met up with my Monica, who introduced me to some of her musician friends as her girlfriend, haha. But they caught on, it's just a girlcrush.
Monica and I went to a little cuban restaurant around the corner of my clinic and she chatted the afternoon away. Her life is worth to be made into a movie, and by all the things she went through, especially with drugs, it's a miracle she's still around and as sane as she is.
Ok, well, back to JC. Honestly, I didn't feel like seeing him either. One of these days, I went to his Facebook profile thinking that I'd see something about him and his girlfriend. I did, and it affected me, and that's exactly what I wanted to find out. Indeed, I'd been so cool about him these weeks that I wanted to check if I was still resentful and hurt. I am, to some extent.
He e-mailed me on sunday night, and called me yesterday, three times. The first time he had to hang up because he was at the gas station. Then he called to resume our conversation and he had to hung up because the car wouldn't start. And then to tell me that everything was fine. The last call, in all fairness, was in reply to my text message, I asked him if his car started.
I was mixed about meeting up with him. I'd said that in the next meeting I would tell him how I feel in the aftermath of our fake relationship and him getting back to his girlfriend. But I'd chicken out just to think about it, because I think, aw, man, I'd hurt his feelings. Lame of me, I know; he's hurt me more. But I do think I'd be very harsh if I allowed myself to free those feelings.
My solution was: look, if he brings up the subject of his girlfriend, take advantage of it; otherwise, let it be. And you know, I've said this before, I give him credit for keeping in touch with me. My friend Victor2 says it's because he misses our friendship. We did have a good friendship exactly a year ago, we could tell each other everything and we had the most hilarious in-jokes.
But I still don't see why he'd take the effort to keep in touch. I don't make that effort. I'm too hurt to do that. For instance, I hate to know that he doesn't look at me and feels in love anymore. By the way, I'm pretty sure that's one of the things that bother me the most about Joseph...all that love he had for me, gone. I know that happens, but I for one find it hard to endure it. Especially because I still have feelings for him. Him meaning JC, Joseph, it's all the same.
I had a lot of fun with him tonight. He reminded me of a couple of our in-jokes. He texted me days ago and reminded me of Skeleton Guy. I try to stay away from those in-jokes, because to me they are charged with all the sexual tension we used to have. The first time we kissed (and we kissed non-stop for about 20 minutes), he said he'd owned Skeleton Guy, because he had scored with me and Skeleton Guy hadn't.
But I digress again. I took the in-jokes with a grain of salt and enjoyed our meal and our conversation. He had a lot of things to say, just silly stuff and catching-up. At some point I thought he was extending our conversation because he wanted to get to an important subject, like him having trouble with his girlfriend (as I've heard from Monica...which leads me to believe he also misses my point of view on these things; we had a lot of interesting discussions when he was breaking up with her, about 10, 11 months ago).
He never got to such thing, but I think this is the deepest conversation we've had the whole year. Usually, when we've met, we speak about shallow subjects and not for long, because he has to go to a meeting with his thesis partners. That was the case this evening, too, but he lost track of time and I was enjoying my time with him so much that I didn't tell him he was late.
I started to feel for him again at some point, when he was talking about this year's Psychology Festival at the university in october...he performed last year and that was when I fell in love with him, after crushing on him for months. ...And some of us guys will dress up as women and do a sexy dance around him [a guy impersonating some artist]. "'Some of us guys?' You're going to dress as a woman and dance?", I asked. Of course!. See, how the fuck can you not love a guy like that? I love how he lets go of all inhibitions and makes people laugh.
And then he was saying that he was going to take me to a casino. What got me out of that is simply that he and I used to make all these plans, we'll go here, we'll go there, we'll do this and that. The planning cool, peculiar things to do together. And here he was, doing it again (though this time I doubt he'll follow through). I know this time it had no underlying intention of spending as much time as possible with me, not beyond a friendly manner, but still.
When I was with him tonight, I was happy to be considerably over the heartbreak he caused and be able to enjoy his company without the need to bring up a bitter subject. However, I wonder if I'll ever be able to let him know how I really feel regarding the, um, most somber aspects of our relationship. I'm used to the psychological distance between JC and I, he brought it upon ourselves (perhaps a bit further than he wanted) and to this day I've complied. But I secretly mourn the couple we were to be.