Stirring feelings.
Friday, 08.20.2010 - 10:07 pm.

Seeing JC has stirred in me more than I was willing to admit. Yes, I've been thinking about him. Yes, I like him a lot. But then I go back to my choice of becoming his mother's and his cousin's therapist and that closes all doors for me. Which is really what I was aiming to.

I got to talk about him last night, with my friends Victor1 and Victoria. God, how I love hanging out with them. I had a horrible session with the parents of one of my teenage patients and I had a headache. I went to Victoria's house and she wasn't there. I sat on the curb waiting for her and I was so overwhelmed by the session that I wouldn't have cared if Joseph had turned around the corner with his little family (his wife's parents are Victoria's neighbors).

After some 20 minutes, her mom showed up and left quickly again, but she let me in. She's known me for years so she treats me like family and makes me feel welcome. She left me the remote and I checked my e-mail. Victor1 showed up later and I let him in. We sat on the couch catching up while Victoria arrived.

And when she did, we went to grab a bite at a nice caf´┐Ż-bar. For the first time Victor1 drove me. He got a car recently and finally, for a change, somebody else but me was driving. We had our favorite sandwiches, got rid of all of our burdens and laughed the evening away.

Of course we talked about relationships. Joseph mentions here and there, but mostly JC. I didn't know they were so sorry about him and I not working out, it seems they did see us as a great couple. Victoria can't stand looking at him since he blew me off, and Victor1 insists he's a great guy but also says he screwed up big time with me.

I told him what had been going on these days and our recent meeting. They speak like they are certain that he likes me and may be considering having another shot with me. They told me to make him suffer a bit, haha. I'm too nice, they say; Victoria says she would have just stopped talking to him.

It was a great evening with these two, I love them so much. But I had trouble falling asleep later on because I kept thinking of all this. At some point Victoria hinted that perhaps it was a mistake taking JC's mom and cousin as a case because being their therapist would keep me from developing any other kind of relationship with that family (ethical issues, you know? And for starters, would you feel comfortable if your therapist was, say, your daughter-in-law?). Actually, that's what I wanted.

But Victoria says that you never know what surprises life holds for you and things just turn around. And asks, if JC wanted me back, would I take him? I like him, so much. As I was falling asleep, I almost cried about it...about me liking him and what an awesome relationship we were having and how not only he "broke up" with me (when I wasn't even his girlfriend) but also got back to his old girlfriend, leaving me as nothing but a passtime or a rebound. Is that someone I'd like to get back to?

I suppose since around this time last year we started to get the hots for each other, I'm starting to feel a bit nostalgic. And I miss him. Lord, I hadn't really felt any warm feelings towards him since January, when I decided to stand tough. Since then, it's been mostly dissapointment and anger, exacerbated by him getting back to his ex girlfriend. I'm able to keep in mind that he is a really nice guy, but bitterness prevails.

It doesn't help that he was also bringing back comments and in-jokes we used to make when we were drooling for each other. On top of it, just yesterday a few mutual friends of ours (including Monica) published pictures of a trip they took to the same cabins where he and I stayed last December. Of course, these friends had pictures of places other than the cabin, like restaurants and villages nearby. JC and I stayed in there the whole time, only coming out for breakfast. Good times indeed.

And you know what else? If he's telling me all these in-jokes, I think it's because he's been thinking about them. So he misses our friendship and all. I don't want to get hopeful and believe he has feelings for me again. Get back together, what for? So he can blow me off again within weeks? He has his girlfriend and no way I'll repeat this pattern of "he's in trouble with her and so he approaches me".

Staying away is the best thing I could do. But it hurts me. I happen to long for him and I happen to kinda sorta wish to have another chance with him. But he hurt me, he was the express version of Joseph (with the silent decision to end things, the sudden news to me, a previous girl that returned to claim her place), and, if that's not enough to keep me away, this will: I am his family's therapist. Not a chance.

Today I got to stay home the whole day (no, not resting...reading and catching up with my patients' files). Tomorrow, I have my 10 am patient, lunch with Monica, then some indie music festival (I don't like indie much, but my friend Orlando is playing, Monica will be singing, and I just want to meet people and see the scene), then meeting with a friend that will leave for Africa next week. Funny, this friend...I met her online. She had a blog, so did I, one day we met. She also went though this thing of My Longtime Boyfriend Broke Up With Me and Suddenly He Was Married To Somebody Else. We have a strong connection and she's so smart. We only met a couple of times but I've so enjoyed being with her.

I'd better go get some sleep. I'm tired, but pumped: I downloaded songs from The Little Mermaid and Beauty and the Beast, and I was dancing and singing along. Catchy songs, man. Since I'm a grown-up AND I see things from my psychology-colored glasses, I see Disney stories under a different light now, but regardless, they're beautifully done and the music ("be our guest", "under the sea") gives me goosebumps and keeps me singing and dancing. I grew up and learned english with these movies. Princess and True Love bullshit aside, I love them. I admire Walt Disney, too.

Oh, well. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

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