Thursday, 08.26.2010 - 10:56 am.
This has been a week of people traveling: Nephew #1 is going from Houston to NYU on Saturday. Sister-In-Law #3 is going to Spain on Friday to get her PhD. A friend of mine left yesterday for Canada, and another one, Karla (the one, among others, we're making an animated short with) also went back to school in Canada.
But speaking of Canada, my friend Cel, who moved there three years ago, is here visiting!!!! I know her, she's pretty erratic and social so I don't have much expectations of hanging around with her much, but I do wish for at least half a day with her. It seems I need girl friends to look up to. First it was her, in school, and now it's Monica. Both are strong, carefree, mold-breakers and mindfuckers. Both are unreachable to me. I know they love me (and I adore them), but they fly away from me pretty quickly, and I don't get more than a couple of hours with them. That's good, I suppose. It's kept me from becoming dependent, a simple minion for either of them.
Anyway. When Cel left for Canada, I was still with Joseph. And given how good she is at comforting me, I have this urge to tell her about the break-up and the following devastation.She knows Joseph, they were neighbors, she was the one to introduce us and to encourage him to date me. She also slept with him before he dated me, but that's just a mega LOL to me. I think we're hanging out tomorrow after I leave work (at 11 am...man, I hate this job but I love part-time) and until she's able to.
Lighthouse's birthday was yesterday. He, CR and I were going to meet up after my psychotherapy class but he said he had a family dinner so it didn't happen. CR called me last night and asked if I was going to meet up with them; he said Lighthouse was going to show up in the end. I decided to just go home and wash my hair (it's pretty long, you know), talk to Nephew #1 on Skype and call my friend/mentor W to review my cases, which takes us about an hour and a half over the phone.
I'd texted Lighthouse asking him about meeting up last night. He said he couldn't but I was invited to his house tomorrow at 9:30 pm. Party!!! Or maybe not. Whatever, that's pretty neat of him. I love the guy, he's a silly crush of mine, but I know we're not so close, emotionally, and I didn't expect he'd invite me to anything.
I wished Lighthouse a happy birthday over a text message...I did try to call him -I called him last year- but he was working and then I didn't try again. CR said I should do it but I didn't. I don't really know what the ettiquette would be with this guy. Regardless, any time he contacts me I get a bit happy. It's fun, I have no expectations; in fact, I don't consider him boyfriend material. I'm just happy to be in touch with him.
Today I left Ligthouse the Unbirthday Song scene from Alice in Wonderland (the animated film) on his FB Wall. And I just realized, that scene and the characters ressemble a lot my time with Lighthouse and CR. No wonder I enjoy being with them.
On other news, my child-adolescent psychotherapy course has made me realize that it's important that I go to therapy quickly. I don't have an emergency but it would be nice to be able to work out this Joseph thing. I know many things, I've worked on myself...but never underestimate the impact of a good therapist in your life, even if you're one yourself. Last night, W was telling me some things about my practice.He asked "why do you want to do that?", and I replied because so and so. To that, he said (in general terms, I can't quote him word by word):
No, I take it that you're trying to come out with a clean image, you want a clean closure. But it is not your job to be liked by your patients' parents. You told them what they needed to be told and if they don't want to change and instead cancel the process, then it's their problem, the child's problem also, unfortunately, but not yours. They came to you not because you're a parent or you have a boyfriend [things my patient's dad asked me if I had], but because you're a professional in human behavior. Any good psychologist will tell them what you told them. So if they stop coming, leave it at that. Do not call them and make a closure session. Leave it.
At first it was uncomfortable, in the sense that I realized I was trying to justify MY need: I don't want the parents to think that I am this or that; I wanted them to think I'm good. But the following words freed me from the anxiety of what the parents might think about me. I'd told myself some of these ideas but not with such solid ellaboration, and hearing them from someone who knows better (and accepts that at my age and with the experience he had then, he wouldn't have thought that way either so it's normal that I didn't) took a weight off my back.
Now, I think, maybe I'm missing some of that solid ellaboration and perspective to get over Joseph. Some days I do better than others. In fact, last night I started to dream about attending his wedding (again) and I was able to cut it off! But I do get weak, I do think about him everyday. Last night, I missed him so much, I wanted to go back to his bedroom and be with him.
And it hurts then remembering when I walked in there the last time and there was a girly suitcase and new color on the walls. I feel like crying when I think about that, and the implications: he doesn't love me anymore. Something's missing to get over that. My friends say I could use a new relationship but that's not happening any time soon. It could help, yes, I would focus on somebody else. In the meantime, since I've been busy this week, I've barely had time to dwell on Joseph. Much.
Maybe at the end of the year I can start my process. I'm looking forward to it, to sitting on the other couch.