His recreational drugs, her sneaky hand.
Monday, 08.30.2010 - 10:30 pm.

CR and I went for a milk shake yesterday afternoon. We talked about Joseph, mostly. CR was in need to discuss some things (and I'd had that feeling for a while); he even said there were some things he wanted to talk to me about but that would be when I was completely healed.

First, let me tell you: that milk shake was heavy. That and the fact that I had to hear about Joseph and his wife made me throw up. My blood pressure dropped, I turned ice cold and the lady at the juice stand handed me a bag in which I promptly made a deposit.

I felt better afterwards and I was able to carry on with the conversation. All in all, I was interested in what CR was telling me. He rarely gets straight to the point, though, he illustrates everything with stories and goes on tangents when starts to get all philosophical and pseudoscientific in his explanations. So I didn't get that much information, because talso, Lighthouse showed up (still, yay for that!).

Anyway...as I suspected from a phone call CR got when he was with me weeks ago, Joseph is doing drugs. "Recreational drugs", CR says. Namely, marijuana. I don't know what else. It's not the end of the world, but he never did them when he was with me.

I asked CR if he did them with his wife. He never said yes or no, just said that in some countries there are programs based on drug-taking to save marriages and shit. So? Do they do them together, is it just a way to avoid reality? Either way, it sounds fishy. Joseph, dude, you have a son (and older than I believed, according to Victoria).

CR told me how he stood Joseph up this week when he was supposed to give him some weed. I would have never done that to him before but...I don't feel the same about him. I'm not saying he's changed, I'm saying my feelings for him have changed.

I told him he didn't look comfortable with the idea of hanging out with Joseph -one of his dearest, long-time friends- anymore. And he said indeed, he isn't. CR can't meet with Joseph without Carmen, his wife, being present; she is always there. CR went on some rambling and after letting him talk for a while, a long while, I was straightforward: Has Carmen tried to make a move on you?. Silence. He was thinking his answer, and did so for at least 30 seconds.

Again, I didn't get a yes or no. I got a story about how one day that she had back pain, CR told her to lay down to give her a massage with the tools he sells, and as she was laying down on her stomach, she reached for his package. There's the yes. I could've laughed for what a loser this girl is, but I really felt sorry for CR. How nasty.

And I guess...I feel sorry for Joseph, too, for what he got himself into. But hey, maybe in their own twisted way they are in love and very happy. I could be wrong, but I don't get that impression after gathering all of the things CR has told me over time...and, like I said, the things I will know some day when I've healed and I can have this conversation without getting physically sick.

CR is very empathetic. All this conversation started when he asked me if I'd relapsed since the last time we talked about this and how I was doing about the subject. He says this thing is about ups and downs so he's interested when I have both; a deeper relapse is followed by a stronger bounce-back. He says that what Joseph did to me was just heartless, and doesn't think that all the reasons there were for him to break up with me were enough...sure, there was a high price to pay (like him studying, getting a job, becoming disciplined) but considering the benefits, such as growing up and being with me, someone who loved him unconditionally, everything was worth it. He'd be better off with you.

My ego feels good, in a way: he isn't that well without me. But at the same time, I hate to think he is in some sort of distress. Oh, I also hate to think how he doesn't realize all the harm he caused me. But I can't do anything about that, and I certainly can't do anything for him. That's what he chose and I can only move on. I'm trying my hardest.

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