Nine years of S'sT and dilemmas of the adult life.
Friday, 09.03.2010 - 7:41 pm.

I was supposed to write on September 1st, to mark the 9th anniversary of this diary. Happy birthday, diary! Thank you for keeping my memories and for allowing me to get to know awesome people, fellow dlanders. And thank you everyone who takes the time to visit me.

I'm happy to announce that this week I've been particularly well regarding Joseph. I always think of him, everyday, but with less frequency during the day and with no associated emotion. I think it's because:

(1) I talked about this subject with my friend Cel; she knows him, she introduced him to me, they're neighbors (even now that she's come to visit, she's staying in her old house, across the street from his). After the break-up with him and his getting married, she had a few words for him about what he did to me. I didn't know she'd talked to him...somebody did stand up for me! And in general, she expanded my perspective.

(2) I threw up because of him on Sunday. Very cathartic, yes. CR told me in very humble terms how he was nowadays. That helped my ego, I guess, although it also makes me sad.

(3) I talked about it with my friend Victoria. I do that often, but it still helps.

(4) I submitted my book to be published. I think it's a fact that it'll be published, although I'm waiting for corrections. That book has Joseph in every story and it's been comforting giving my painful experience with him a very onirical characteristic: I don't directly write about him, but he's there. What he did is there, in forms of symbols, representations, etc. It's the ultimate verbalization of a devastating happening that left me speechless. That's been cathartic, too.

(5) I have been very busy, with lots of plans: publishing my book, working on my comic website, reviewing my cases at the clinic.

Also, I went to the movies on Tuesday, with Lighthouse, CR and Victoria...although I love meeting up with people, I think I'll cut that down and leave it for the weekends. For reasons explained below.

I have deep concerns about my job situation and money issues. This was my original plan: stay in this stable yet unfilfilling part-time job until December; become a voluntary in a hospital in January, stick to the clinic (irregular and very low income, but the most fulfilling activity for me, professional-wise), live off my savings, begin my master's degree here while I find a scholarship abroad, find a better job.

But a third person at the clinic (aside from W and I) is leaving soon and that will increase considerably the amount each of us pays for rent and electricity. It's hardly likely that we'll find somebody else and the new amount is higher than what I currently make at the clinic...and don't forget patients pay per session and sometimes they skip a date, or they may decide to cancel the therapy. Even with the clinic running with five or six patients (I'm only seeing three right now), I can't afford being jobless.

Suppose I find a full-time job that I like...that alone isn't an easy task at all because there are few opportunities in my field, with the experience and the interests I have. And I have yet to be courageous enough to enter the world of assisting gang-populated schools, which is the offers I usually come across with (I don't like school psychology, to begin with).

But let's say I find said job: I would have to give up the clinic, or dedicate just my evenings and saturday mornings to it...even less time if I start studying again, given that classes are in the evening. I would do it, yes, but isn't it sucky that the more money you make, the less time you have?

I have no idea what I'm going to do, in terms of what I can do and what is convenient. But I still have some time to think things through, and also many decisions don't quite depend on me. Say, for example, that my bosses want someone working full-time next year; I'd have to leave anyway (no way I'll be a full-time secretary; it's a remarkable job, as any other, just not my thing). We'll see. I'm nervous about all this uncertainty but I'm confident that I can make things work out eventually.

I also have the dilemma of traveling this year to Houston for Christmas. AND to New Mexico, since Brother #2 moved there from Houston a few months ago. My family is scattered around the world more and more every year, but we always make the effort to meet up for the holidays, even if it's in little groups.

My parents are going. I don't know if my Sister and her son, Nephew #2, will. Brother #3 is going to Spain because his wife is there getting her PhD. I'd be traveling to see Brother #1 and #2 and their lovely wives. And their kids: my 16-year-old niece will be back from Montana, 18-year-old Nephew #1 will be on a break from NYU (he sent me a long letter yesterday, about his first days there; he sounded so happy and mature and honest, I almost cried out of pride). Nephew #3 is an adorable toddler who introduced himself as The King in his kindergarten.

The perspective of a rocky financial situation and the decisions it implies are keeping me from saying yes to traveling, although Brother #2 says he and my parents can help me with the plane ticket. I want to see my family, I want to go so bad, and I especially want to be in New Mexico. But at the same time, I want to stay. I'll have to think about it more carefully.

But fuck it. The weekend is here. I'll enjoy myself and perhaps discuss these things with friends. And enjoy myself. Again.

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