Guys that bend my plans and break my heart.
Sunday, 09.12.2010 - 9:47 pm.

I could be at Lighthouse's house right now. CR invited me at about 4 pm but I was too lazy to drive for some 25 minutes and a huge storm was coming. The storm was just a drizzle in the end but I still didn't feel like driving. I told them to go grab a bite later but he didn't seem to keen on the idea, they'd had some snacks throughout the afternoon, he said.

And so I said, fuck it. I love being with them and I love hanging out at Lighthouse's house, but I'm always the one driving all the way there and adjusting myself to their plans. Usually, that pays off with lots of fun, but for once, I don't want to bend my schedule to fit theirs.

My family gets together for a meal over the weekend, usually on sunday night. I asked them to have it at noon today, so I could have the evening free and go have dinner with Lighthouse and CR, because Lighthouse sometimes suggests so. But today they wanted to stay home and watch a movie.

Perhaps next time I'll let Lighthouse know in advance. I get the feeling CR doesn't fill him in entirely on what goes on. But anyway, my plans never matter to them. They're not mean, I just don't feel with enough voice, or my proposals are not very attractive. I may only hang out with them if I'm willing to tag along. Which I am, it's fun. But I matter, too, so here I am, in my home. And in a damn cozy position, may I add.

Anyway, I had a lot of fun yesterday. But first, let me tell you: I saw my favorite adolescent patient in the morning and I ended up bursting in satisfaction because she made a rather important insight, and the session altogether was just awesome, one of the best I've ever had since I became a therapist.

Afterwards I went to Victoria's house and we talked for some time. Then we met with Victor1 and his on-and-off girlfriend for lunch. After lunch we headed to another city to attend a jazz festival. I was so excited and I wanted to meet new people.

We drove around and got lost for 20 minutes in the madness of all those one-way streets. I was in my car with Victoria, following Victor1's girlfriend's car. I was, we were getting sick of never finding the place. But when we did, we sat down and the standard jazz begun, all that didn't matter.

Joe's band opened the festival. Then it was the act of a metal band plus theatre actors. The another one of Joe's band. Latinamerican music. And arabian percussion. It was delightful, I'm telling you. It lasted over 4 hours.

Then Victoria and I ended up at a McDonald's. Victor1 and his girlfriend have recently gotten back together so we decided to let them be. We had already been a third wheel for the concert...but in my defense, it was because I didn't know how to get to the place. In that city I attended Fer's waking, in February 2009...I drove around for around 40 minutes before I found the goddmaned place (in which Joseph and his then fiance´┐Ż had announced they were getting married the next day).

Most of the time yesterday, Victoria and I talked about JC and Joseph. Or, more properly, she let me vent and tried to give me some advice. You know I said I'd been doing well regarding Joseph these last two weeks? That ended on friday, as told in my last entry.

First it was JC, with his efforts to get in touch with me, and then Victor2 bringing me back to reality: he enjoys the little power he still has over me and is not necessarily looking for me with romantic intentions. He likes my conversation. I discussed this with Victoria, wondering if I should just ask him to stop contacting me. She says I let him in too deep and now I don't know how to get him out.

This just in: I interrupted writing this entry to have a 40-minute-long phone call with him. He called, of course. I've had a harsh e-mail in mind since friday, which melted when we started to talk about drinks and getting started in clinical psychology. It's not a crush, really..."he's just nice", that's what I think. Fucking guy.

Well, if I'm not going to cut my ties with him, at least I should tell him what's going on, right? Tell him what I'd planned to tell him, minus the "please, leave me alone and do not contact me anymore" part. For the sake of myself, as a way to seek my healing.

God, I don't know what to do.

Joseph is even more of a touchy subject. Because he is out of my life already, but I haven't let him go. That's all there is to it. Next month it'll be two years, TWO YEARS since he broke up with me, and I still haven't bounced back entirely. I'm still assimilating everything, and you could say I have a bit of post-traumatic stress disorder, on a smaller scale. Small compared to events that cause a real trauma to someone (say, war, rape) but still deeply painful in its own right.

Perhaps it's not important to mention what I told Victoria and what she told me. Those things about his trip to Europe, that he just doesn't love me, that he had a big, fat wedding, I know all that. Maybe it was a bit of a blow to hear from her that I haven't let him go and be forced to accept that it is so. But I keep mourning. Two years and I'm still mourning. Not just losing him, but also what happened next, way too soon, about the other girl, the marriage, the baby.

Having those things stirred inside of me, made me feel like crying during the jazz festival. I fought back tears and I succeeded but jeez, this thing doesn't go away. Victoria is trying to help me. She's so supportive and gives me space to talk about it and questions me if needed. She insists I need a new relationship and curses JC for screwing me up further. I tell her about the type of guys that chase me, "but look at the guys I get!", and she just says with a somber tone, "sadly, that's all there is". And I say, fuck. It's probably true.

She accepts Joseph is good looking; hell, even CR has told me so. I think he's the only genuinely good-looking guy that has paid attention to me. Not to say other guys are "ugly", but hopefully you catch my drift. And I get frustrated by this. Guys that are easy on the eye are not attracted to me; maybe I'm not easy on the eye, although people tell me that I am more often as I grow up (I think I'm prettier now at 25 than I was at, say, 17).

My point is, perhaps I have this high standard, albeit it's not a conscious one. I'm in this stage in life in which I doubt I'll find a life-long partner because of that. And not just the physical aspect...I have seen nicely looking guys but I do not "click" with them; I need a mindfuck. I can't be fake and settle for something that doesn't make me feel comfortable. I got sad thinking about this. I looked around at people attending the festival...I didn't see a guy that tickled my fancy.

Until...I saw one. I guess I love a certain bone structure and he had it. And he was dressed in black. Long hair, I think, but very well groomed. And glasses. I looked in his direction several times but then I lost him. I'll probably never see him again but it's the little things, you know? Just seeing him made me hopeful again.

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