Saved by a cookie recipe. For now.
Monday, 09.13.2010 - 10:26 pm.

It's like today a lot of people decided to upload pictures of me on Facebook. Pictures in which, go figure, I look good! Can it be true, am I really slightly good-looking? I couldn't have boosted my ego anymore if I'd planned on it.

Ok, not "a lot of people", just three: Cel, Victor1 and Mo (I appear with her adorable toddler, Val). But some other people said I look good. And I look at those pictures and say, fuck, if only Joseph saw them. But what's the point, he couldn't care less about me. 1, my first boyfriend (and first ex-boyfriend, for that matter) commented on the picture of me that Cel uploaded, "as pretty as I remember her". I was wondering if he was being true...I mean, I would never go and comment on Joseph's photo, "you're as handsome as I remember you".

But...I also don't think he was shitting me, so I'll take the compliment and thank him for it. Even if it reminds me that I was a very cold girlfriend to 1, mainly, or perhaps entirely, because I wasn't in love with him. He, unknowingly, taught me the dangers of dating someone you're not really into; the most important being that you'll break his heart. Hence why I'm single and not mingling with one of the few guys that have expressed some interest in me in the recent past.

I'm reading this novel, and today I reached a part in which the heroine discovers that the man she married and loves so much is in love with another woman, his sister-in-law. The book describes how the heroine suspects and then she finds her husband and the other woman, making love. And she sees everything, the whole intercourse, and, defeated, goes back to bed and cries, cries, cries.

Her husband never cared about her (something that's very clear for the reader since the beggining), and while he says he's a bit ashamed for cheating, he justifies and tries to make light of the situation. He just used her while he got close to the woman he really wanted.

And the way she felt, the way all that was written, how everything hurt me. I could relate so much that I locked myself in my bedroom and started to cry. I didn't know if I was crying over Joseph or over JC. Clearly, it was over both. I didn't release everything, I'm actually scared of feeling all that betrayal and rejection and death of love from both of them so I just allowed myself to cry a little.

And I made the decision: I'm going to write JC. A short note, telling him that now it's clear that he just used me, and every time I talk to him he opens the wound left by Joseph because he (JC) did the same fucking thing, only quicker. And to please leave me alone and don't talk to me unless it's very important.

I felt tired after my little crying session and I started to watch some TV to clear my mind. Then the phone rings and it's JC, asking me about the recipe to bake the cookies I offered him last week when he came over. I explained him the whole process and gave him tips and whatever and that was it. Under other circumstances I would have grinned at what a funny friend I have, but it upset me more. And I was mad at myself for letting this go on.

He ALWAYS comes in touch with me as I'm about to severe my ties with him. Should I take it as sign? I don't want to take it as a sign! He hurts me! He gave me all these expectations, got saliva and semen involved between us while he was at it, then shattered those expectations overnight and returned to a previous girl he loved. Just like Joseph! The same fucking thing! I don't need that weight! I have enough of a burden with Joseph, who told me goodbye in the worst way possible and never looked back.

So even though his phone call made me weak in my determination, I return to my arguments. And I'll work on it. I'll work on a short note. I don't know what his reaction will be but I think I owe this to myself.

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