Get it through your head already!
Friday, Sept. 17, 2010 - 10:23 pm.

Yesterday, I was processing my friend Victoria's encounter with Joseph and his family, facing my father's controlling behavior over my mother, and sore because my friend Monica had not tagged me on the invitation to her debut gig tomorrow night, as I'd seen she'd done with pretty much her entire friends list throughout the week.

About the first and second things, there's not much I can do, other than hope that one day I'll find someone better than Joseph who will not treat me like a second-class human being. About the third one, Monica tagged me today, just me (and mentioning Victor1) and said I was special guest and hoped to see me there. I was sore because I wanted to be closer to her, because I wish I was considered one of her best friends, but she has her crowd and she is a rock star. I recently came to terms with that.

The thing is, I was down yesterday. At some point I was slightly overwhelmed, especially by the first two things. And you know, when I get like that, I think of dying. Like, I'd like to fall asleep and never wake up. Like, "I'm going to die when I'm 27". And I start getting this feeling in my gut, that I'll die young. In two years. Of course, continuing with the fantasy, I get all picky and wish for a peaceful death. In a way, I'd like to kill myself, but I've got family and friends, man. They care about me, genuinely. And how silly is that? Wasting all my perfectly functional body parts and organs and blood.

But it happens. I remember I've been wanting to die since 8th grade. It comes and goes. Less frequent now, it came back in just yesterday. I try to get rid of these thoughts, it's so ungrateful of me, and still I have to pay forward the awesome life I've been given. But I think. I'm more certain of dying young than of getting a scholarship. And believe me, I work hard for the latter.

Today I spent the afternoon with Victoria. Sort of. I arrived to her house after seeing a patient and she'd told me she wouldn't be there but her mom would be. So while I waited for her, I used her laptop, worked on some stuff, until she arrived. We were supposed to search scholarships but then our high school friend Norm, one of her best friends, arrived.

She had a get-together with her best friends from school later in the evening and told me to join them. They're friends of mine too, although they and I are not very close. But I love them, they're very funny. So then Rod showed up, and two more girls. It was quite a little party and I had rum with Sprite, prepared by Rod. It was delicious. We chatted the evening away.

During some time alone with Victoria, I asked her one question I did not ask her: how do Joseph and his wife look? Just the two of them. She kept quiet for a second, like not wanting to tell me. "They look like they fit together pretty well". It kind of shattered me.

But hey, they're husband and wife, what the hell would you expect? That they hate each other? Surely they don't sound that happy, by what CR and Victoria have told me, but what, are they going to be smiling the whole time? Whatever they could be going through (and I have no proof that they're going through anything) doesn't mean they're not in love with each other, which is pretty much what kills me. They're accustomed to each other, and they must make a good team, much better than the one Joseph and I made, I'm afraid. They must, they made a baby, didn't they?

I can't seem to get in my head the fact that he doesn't love me anymore. Perhaps because it's too painful to think so. To think he doesn't really care to see how I am today. To think that if he sees me one day, he will not feel funny, he would not feel his heart being punched like I would. He doesn't hate me, I guess, but he doesn't regret breaking up with me either. Much less he would understand the harm he's caused me. Just today, driving to my clinic, I was thinking how relieved he must have felt to get me out the way, to finally be able to fully get it on with his now wife.

And maybe I understand he doesn't love me anymore, but maybe I am in denial and I haven't noticed. This part of me that says, "nah, there must be something else, he just can't fall out of love with me". But guess what? He did. Victoria says life can turn around in a second and we don't really know what was going to happen next, but I should seriously drop such hope and realize he isn't coming back.

He's fine with his decision, he's happier without me.

He is in love with somebody else.

Oh, God, he is in love with somebody else.

PS: JC just called me. I debate whether to answer or not. I do. He says he's been wanting to talk for a while about "something": am I ok with that, and if so, when can we talk? I say next weekend. Jesus. I think I know where this is going (he feels bad for hurting me and is having trouble with his girlfriend) and I don't need this. I don't want it.

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