Some days I'm more hopeful than others.
Saturday, 09.25.2010 - 7:57 pm.

Yesterday I got a call from Joe. He and had been in touch because he changed his phone number and needed mine again. While he was at it, he asked me when we could go out for lunch.

Quick recap: I have known Joe since 2004. I met him, in a way, because of Joseph: I signed up for guitar lessons at the university, at a convenient time for me to have lunch with him. I saw Joe for the first time the last day of october 2003, though, before I even met Joseph. I liked him so much, he was on stage performing Beatles songs. But I rarely saw him in campus since that day. I think he liked me back, when he was my instructor, and we had good chemistry. But I was with Joseph; no regrets about it.

Joe and I have remained acquaintances to this day, whereas now Joseph is out of my life, at least physically. I think Joe has changed a lot and when I see him, I'm not attracted to him; he has a different style than when I met him. Still, we once went to the movies last year and my biology was going nuts. He seemed cool and friendly about it and never said anything about going out again so our attraction ran its course.

Since he still works a few houses away from my office, we agreed on having lunch from time to time. It didn't happen, except for once or twice. I tried but there was no follow-up. And then I met his girlfriend and I was cool about it. I got over him and remained friends.

But when he called me yesterday, I returned to that certain state of attraction. And I wondered, what the hell does that guy have? Well: his voice. I adore his voice, there's something about it that makes my hormones go crazy. My attraction to him was always based on a chemical thing, my body ached and got tingly when he was around. It wasn't horny, really. It was a strange phase.

But anyway, that state wore out throughout the day. So you could say all this remembrance is kind of pointless. I may see him next week for lunch and that is all.

Ok, it's not entirely pointless. For a while I started to fantasize, but seriously, I'm not into him anymore. I love that he is a musician and I remember the lenghty e-mails we wrote each other one december while I was in Houston (Joseph, sucking at written ellaboration, would rarely write me). It wasn't flirting, it was free association and random conversations, which probably won my heart more than flirting could ever have. But that's about it. I don't know him, really, and while I admire him for the accomplished musician he is, I don't need to go further with him than casual lunch.

Today I found out that two of my high school friends just got each other, I mean. I am so happy for them, they've been together for some 7 years and they make a great couple. I don't think they were dating in high school, they started in the university. They broke up earlier this year but there you go.

And happy as I am for them...I panicked, for myself:

1. Getting married is a huge step in the sense that you need to be relatively stable in every aspect of your life, to go live properly on your own with your spouse. I couldn't go live on my own right now, for starters; I make so little and it's hard finding a decent job. I'm not and I don't feel adult enough and that scares me a bit.

2. I'm single. Normally I wouldn't care that much but I'm starting to think I'll stay like that and I'll just adopt children later on in life. Judging by my love history, in which very few suitable people pay attention to me and the same few shatter my heart horribly over time, I don't think I'm bound to find someone with whom one day I'll celebrate, say, 25 years of happy marriage. I hope to God that will happen but I can't hold my breath either. And I can't fake liking someone I don't like, so having a relationship for the sake of it is out of the question.

3. Joseph. I cannot stand the sight of young couples with a child, or a man with a child, or a girl/woman pregnant, or couples living together, or couples getting married, or anything else that ressembles the decisions Joseph made after breaking up. Decisions that apparently made him achieve the life he always seemed to long for. With somebody else and not me (in a way, good for me: at least I'm adult enough to know what I can't handle at this point in my life; putting aside my studies to have a baby and go live with my in-laws being some of them).

This week a woman at my psychotherapy course found out she was pregnant for the second time. During the coffee break, she told the hilarious story of her first childbirth and her husband's reactions. I faked the laughter some times, because even though it was genuinely funny and surprising, I was thinking that Joseph and his wife went through an adventure themselves and had a story to tell.

I had a tough moment thinking why I wasn't entirely happy about my high school friends and that's what I came up with. These things had been on my mind, anyway. I had a tougher moment processing all that and it made me very sad. But then going for a walk with my dog unclogged my heart a little. And I'm talking to my best friend Victoria right now. She's lifting my spirit and stuff. I'm so thankful for having her in my life.

JC called me yesterday to tell me we couldn't meet up over the weekend because he had an activity with his youth group. We'll talk over the week, but the call proved to me that he's still interested and that is nice. My chance to pour my heart out is still standing.

And for the record, on my friends getting married: he cheated on her; that's why they had broken up. Everyone has their own little hell to go through.

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