Monday, 09. 27.2010 - 3:43 pm.
This morning I woke up feeling unrested. Like I had just closed my eyes, half a second ago. I wasn't sleepy, though, given that my brain was running around. At least my eyes weren't puffy, after crying so much.
You see, last night I had a very exhausting talk with CR. We met up for coffee at the end of the afternoon and pretty much talked shit. Then he came along to Victoria's house because she had something I needed to get from her. CR clicked with her mom and talked about spiritual things. Victoria and I went to the kitchen to talk about fooling around with his ex again and about my Joseph issues.
When we left her house, it was 7:30 pm. I took CR home. I'd tried to talk about Joseph at the coffeehouse, but the cappuccino was heavy on me and everytime I tried to talk about it, I'd feel like throwing up. At about 8 pm, I parked in front of CR's apartament building.
It was a long, long conversation, that began since we left Victoria's house. It began with me asking the question I have tried to avoid: how is he? how are they? I thought it was time to face the harsh reality, because I suffer from fragmentation. Denial. Yes but no. I feel that but I don't feel it. So I decided just yesterday that all the voids filled with fantasy should be filled with reality instead, however painful.
CR said he didn't know, he hadn't seen them for a while. He found it strange that Joseph needed to seek recreational drugs now, when he didn't do them with me, but for the most part, Joseph and his wife make a good team. They are happy together, they mix well, and the baby looks just like him. She's on maternity leave on her job, he's looking for a job, they have a car and they hang out at home for the most part because of the baby. Joseph goes out from time to time, perhaps with her (since CR told me they were meeting once to get some pot, but he didn't make it on time and Joseph left). And that's about it.
The rest of our conversation focused on me, on my healing, how I keep dragging myself in the mud. It's impossible for me to repeat all that CR said, but at times I felt he was judging me too severely, saying I hadn't done things I think I have done, and damned well.
The things I remember were that he insisted I was trying to do this alone. He said I needed to give my pain to a Higher Power (in fact, he wants to take to an AA meeting), he was saying I should turn to God. God is a huge presence in my life, but not in the sense most people have Him. CR also said I should be humble. I should seek the answers within myself and not outside, and that I can't give what I don't have. That my father loves me and would be so angry if he heard some of the things I say (like "I wasn't good enough for him"), and my Father, God, *is* angry about that. I'm disrespecting myself.
Some things I do not agree with, but some other things could come in handy. Maybe I do need to relax more than I have. To LET GO of Joseph and give that overwhelming burden to God. To stop seeking outside those final steps that I need to get rid of my pathological grief.
The thing is, Joseph lives inside of me. I hear him judging me, I see my world through his eyes. I need to kick him out. I know he's fine without me and I have to stop playing the victim. That is, I have to be fine without him, too. I need to stop this fantasy that he cares about me, that he checks my Facebook profile, that he thinks of me. He is a monster, a traitor, he has a good life, he couldn't care less about me and all that, all that's not going to change.
CR told me the story of the Prodigal Son. I know it very well, but he was telling me how this son ended up feeding pigs, and the pigs are our thoughts. I kind of managed to convince CR that the most important thing in all this, beyond how metaphorical and ethereal he was turning (sometimes it's a pain in the ass trying to talk to him), was the pain I was feeling over being replaced so quickly and having it rubbed in my face. "Yes, you try hard, the problem is that the pigs won't shut up". And I said inmediately, "Joseph won't shut up".
And tears started rolling down my face. Endlessly. And shortly after, without my own consent, I broke down, sobbing uncontrollably on the wheel. Crying out loud. I cried so hard that I ended up with a stomachache. I stayed like that for minutes. When I started to wipe my tears, my phone rang and it was my dad asking if I was ok, and if I was coming home soon (it was 9 pm by then). When I hung up, CR said, "See? Your Father never abandons you". And I thought, fucking CR.
CR took the chance to tell me something, he admited, didn't want to tell me until much, much later in life: he'd look at me at the university. It made his day talking to me, if only for three minutes. I guess he meant he liked me since he saw me the first time. And then he said he met me through our late friend Fer and found out I was with Joseph. "I was happy for him, I was happy that he would have such a remarkable woman by his side". And told me Fer was furious when he learned I was dating Joseph. Fer and Joseph stopped talking to each other for a while. Curiouser and curiouser. I wonder what Fer would say now about all this.
I went home feeling relieved and with tasks to accomplish. Last night, I started writing Joseph a letter. A real letter. I'm surprised at what's coming out, like, "I'm pissed off at your cowardice of not calling things by their name" (how he would have saved us months of bitterness by saying "break-up" instead of "time off"). He is a traitor. The figure I fear the most: a rapist; someone that walks all over you, destroys a part of you and doesn't even care about the harm caused. He's my cancer.
I'll give it to CR and ask him to maybe give it to Joseph, someday (I'm not sure yet). When I'm dead or far away. Not in the near future. I'm also thinking of getting rid of the Fight Club DVD he gave me for christmas. It means the world to me: my favorite movie given by my favorite person. But I have to let that go. When he gave it to me, he was already dating his wife. I don't understand why he'd bother to get me such a great gift under thosse circumstances. It flatters me but it hurts me.
I didn't cry as I was writing the letter. I set myself the goal of kicking him out of my mind. He already did that for me, and whatever happened between us, is worthless now. He left me so much and what did I left in him, or for him? Nothing. He changed me, and in that sense, I have nothing I would like to modify from my past; no regrets. But I didn't change him much. I gave him satisfactions and all, but I wasn't as important in the long run as he made it out to be. I'm just sorry nothing between us is mutual.
So I'm working on it. On trying to accept that he's gone and happy. And everytime I think about that, about his wife and baby, about whatever he's doing, I'm going to suppress those thoughts. I know, "suppressing" doesn't sound healthy, but they keep interrupting, invading me. And those thoughts are useless.
You know what helped me a lot? The fact that today I was having lunch with Joe. Last night I said I didn't care much for what I was going through because the day after, today, I had a date. It's not a date per se, but it was close. I was looking forward to this.
Joe was waiting for me outside my office, since he works a few houses away in another office. He was waiting under a tree because it was drizzling. We went in my car to a restaurant nearby.
We caught up on our lives. He went to Japan for three weeks on a scholarship. He wants to quit his job and study music. We both hate 8 to 5 jobs that require being stuck inside an office. I think we're pretty demanding, in the sense that we want to do something that wakes our passion. Like, in my case, clinical psychology. I can't live off of it but I'm so happy. He studied economics but music is his thing.
We talked about relationships, too. He asked me how I was doing about Joseph. I asked him about his girlfriends. He's single right now. I met his most recent girlfriend but I thought they'd dated briefly. Actually, they dated for a year or so. We talked about the social pressure, at our age, of having a formal relationship, then getting married and having kids.
Coincidentally, at the restaurant there was a girl who once was his fuck buddy. He was in shock when she told him she was pregnant. I laughed and said at least it's not his. The way he put it, he doesn't want a relationship right now. He starts dating because he likes the thrill, he says, but that wears out in a couple of months. I told him it seemed he was in love with the idea of the relationship and not with the person. He probably hadn't found a person that would make that thrill go on. When he realized that, or at least saw it put that way, he was a bit surprised.
I was so happy we were having an honest talk. It was also helping me put a stop to some hopes I have. You see, I...I think I'm a bit in love with Joe. I always have, haven't I? This goes beyond liking, I have really strong feelings for him. I am attracted to him, even though I think he could groom himself a bit more and stop looking like he just smoked a joint.
He said I've changed. I was more reserved when he met me. I explained to him that I changed when Joseph dumped me. I started going out because staying in would kill me. He said he once saw me at a cafe-bar, he saw me from afar and didn't recognize me because I had a different attitude, a different vibe. "You're now more...human". That made me laugh out loud. I'm more sociable, yes.
I didn't want the lunch to end and I managed to invite him to go see a play in two weeks, a play I want to see so bad, anyway. You could say I was securing a second date, but by now I know he isn't interested in me beyond a friendship. I already tried once and he didn't show interest. And this time he opened up about his love and dating issues -which I appreciate- and I don't think a guy that was into me would do that, and instead would show his best side. He didn't scare me with that, though; in fact, I understood him completely and could relate on some things.