Friday, 10.01.2010 - 1:59 pm.
Hello, october, one of my three favorite months of the year...the other two being november and december. I was tempted to write yesterday, due to some things that happened, but I refrained. Let me fill you in:
I got pissed at my best friend Victoria. She told me she'd talked to Joseph on FB chat. This wouldn't be bad at all (I don't mind friends talking to the ex), except they never talk. And she's the one who contacted him...HOLY SHIT, WHAT YOU DID THAT FOR?! Apparently she expected to get some information out of him. Again, WHAT FOR?
Of course, he didn't disclose anything, was very straight-to-the-point and the conversation didn't last more than 3 minutes. It upsets me because I'm pretty sure Joseph thought I was sending Victoria to ask how he was...because, I said it, they. Just. Don't. Talk. Why else, one may ask, would a friend of my ex contact me, out of nowhere, asking how I am? Jesus, I was pulling my hair out of despair and anger. I could even see him with a smirk, thinking I still care that much about him.
Now, even before Victoria told me this, I'd made a decision. Which is what I wanted to come and write in here yesterday. But I said, hey, it'd be best if I wrote about this after I've done it.
So I've done it and I can come in here and talk about it: I deleted Joseph from Facebook. I did it. I DID IT! Which sounds lame and unimportant but you have not a fucking clue what a weight off my back that represents.
I DID IT!
Two weeks ago, I thought I'd do it the last day of december. Then I set October 18th, the day he broke up with me two years ago. But then the conversation with CR happened last Sunday, and I think I did give my burden to God and I felt lighter. But I felt something on my back: this fantasy that he still cares about me. How would I get rid of that fantasy? Making sure there was no way he could know anything about me.
I looked forward to this day for a good part of the week. Which is a great sign in itself. Months, weeks ago, I would have dreaded doing it and put off the date "just in case" I did something interesting [and showed up on FB] and "just in case" he saw it. This time, I was ready. I couldn't wait for today to come and in a way, was like knowing I had a gift waiting for me.
I went to his profile. My eyes were barely open, in case there was something awful that may hurt me. It's a big blur for me, because I scrolled down in a frenzy: I saw he had something on his status but didn't read it, his picture was a Magic The Gathering character, his entire family status is public (his wife has a Facebook account and I dislike his son's name). I kept my eyes open just barely to find the "Delete friend" option. Maybe there was another option to delete him, but I honestly felt the need to do it this way, even if I didn't stop to see his wall posts.
Now, I just have to get rid of the Fight Club DVD. I don't think the letter I've been writing to him is that important anymore. I think I'll rewrite it and make it shorter. And I don't know what for, but the catharsis has been ok so I may as well continue.
I'm not entirely ok. His happy family status kills me, the memories still invade me (last night and the night before were particularly tear-inducing but I fought back) and I still feel pain over being nothing to him anymore, after being sold the idea that I was and would be everything to him. But...shit happens, I guess.
By now I'm ok enough to endure letting go of the last direct link I had with him...which ultimately was a fantasy, too. I understand I don't take up space in his mind so the least I could do is avoid that he takes up space in mine. In a way, I feel it's unfair letting go, because there was no justice for me but what kind of justice is there, anyway? Nothing. What happened, happened. He's the winner, I was even humilliated, but he's long gone.
The struggle continues but it's easier now that my heart is lighter and my mind is clearer.
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