Monday, 10.04.2010 - 6:42 pm.
Yesterday was a beautiful day, as october days tend to be: windy, a bit cold, with a bit of sun. I was going to meet up with JC but he called in the morning and said he was still out of town and wouldn't return until 4 or 5 in the afternoon. I told him to leave it for some other day.
He called again at night to reeschedule and we may meet up on wednesday when he comes out of work*. He does seem very interested in all this. I'm a little curious as to what's so important. I mean, I guess it has to do with what happened between us and/or trouble with his girlfriend, but I can't say what exactly.
* We may, but Brother #1 is coming from Houston on a quick visit and we're keeping it a secret from my parents. I still don't know at what time his flight arrives.
So yesterday afternoon, I called CR and Lighthouse and they were painting a mural but they were free at 3 pm and we went to a juice stand. Lighthouse was all in white (strange for me, I mostly see him in black) and stained with paint all over. We hung out there and then we headed to a park, driving down the longest road. That's what I get for following him in my car when I knew a shorter way, he sucks when it comes to orientation and direction. But don't get me wrong, I laugh at that. It's part of my trip with the boys.
At the park, they both smoked a joint and were nearly caught by the police. We talked our dose of random stuff and then Lighthouse left because he's neck-deep in projects and was very tired. Seeing how busy he was, I appreciated that he took the time to hang out with me. I gave CR a ride home and he seemed a bit...I don't know, he was more serious than usual. We didn't talk about Joseph, I chose to give that subject a break and enjoy the afternoon.
Plus, I'm still working on getting it together. In a few weeks, I'll ask CR with help on some things regarding Joseph. Maybe. It depends on how I decide to carry things through.
First, I found the Fight Club DVD Joseph gave me for Christmas, two years ago. I get such an ugly feeling when I look at it. I don't want to let it go but it's painful having it (what's that saying, the things you own end up owning you?). What's the message behind that gift, I ask. He insisted on giving it to me weeks before Christmas, wrapped up in aluminium foil; we had broken up; he was dating his now wife; he knew it was my favorite movie. Guilt, I suppose. It is my favorite movie, given by my favorite person ever. But under the hurtful circumstances of this gift, I've never been comfortable with the idea of keeping it.
Then it's the letter I'm writing to him. Every day I'm angrier and I spill it out. It's just a draft so I let everything out as it is. I'll have a final version, as short and civil as possible but with everything I need to tell him. I'm thinking what to do with it, other than giving it to CR. I don't want Joseph to read it, not yet. Maybe May next year? That'll mark two years since we stopped speaking (thanks to his wife and her wonderful message about her dripping and waiting to be fucked; she could have just asked me to not talk to him anymore, you know?). And in my mind, not even 2 months have passed since that disaster.
Last night I had the most surprising dream about him so far. I was in a car with my friend Monica (who's stopped talking to me due to her rock star status, as I mentioned in the last entry) and she had returned with her old boyfriend, the one, to put it shortly, that kept her from being herself. I was in the backseat of their car and wondered, incoherently, damn, what if I had to ride in the backseat of Joseph and his wife's car?
The whole dream was mostly about my parents and I and a bunch of other tourists trying to cover from a hurricane in a neighbor country. The most vivid image I remember is crawling under a car with all of them, while the streets were being severely damaged by the storm. One thing that I noticed when I woke up was that I never felt wet and I probably wasn't. I never felt any physical discomfort because of the heavy rain, the violent winds...you wouldn't think I was under a storm, although in every sense, I was.
Before I found myself in that situation, I'd been talking to Joseph on the phone. He was telling me he and his wife were great together, although, I remember him saying, she hit him from time to time. He was telling me they had their ups and downs "but she loves me and I love her". And I was thinking to myself, why are you telling me all this? I don't need to hear it. I can tell all that, because you left me for her, I don't need this fucking explanation and certainly I don't want details!
Then I was walking with all the tourists but he was with me, too. I started to walk slowly and told him, "there's something I need to talk to you about". He imitated my pace and seemed willing to listen. And I let it go, in a low voice: "what the fuck are you trying to pull? Why the hell are you telling me all those things about you and her?! Have you thought of the possibility that it TEARS ME APART? Stop hurting me, motherfucker, stop hurting me!". I don't think he replied. Then the hurricane started and I lost track of him.
Which is perhaps what's going to happen once I finish the letter and decide how and when to deliver it. I've always feared losing him, but I already did. Ironically, though, he'll always be with me.
***
I just returned from the university. My friend Monica and the 4th year psych students presented a study on violence and I decided to go, see the results and all. It was ok, but I was a bit dissapointed. I didn't stay 'til the end.
Two things:
One: Monica asked me to videotape the presentation, because the guy appointed to do so couldn't make it. I said I'd never done that, and she said, "but you'll get the gist of it quickly, I trust you". I hope I didn't screw it.
She's always very sweet to me. I miss her. There's no ill intention in her distance, I know that. She's very busy with her studies and her music. I wrote her a note before I left today, telling her the presentation was great and to please bring my White Stripes DVD on friday, when I'll go to the university again (it's Psychology Week!). After I get the DVD, I'll wait for her to contact me, I won't insist anymore.
Two, and this is very, very painful: I was sitting outside the auditorium before the presentation started and I had a horrible flashback. The last friday we were just friends, may 2004, I came out of the auditorium after one class, and Joseph was sitting on a flight of stairs, waiting for me. For no reason than to just see me. Remembering that made me want to cry.
I haven't returned to the university much since december '08, for a number of reasons. And it's hard to be there when I have to. Every place has a memory of Joseph, and I even thought of going to the cafeteria, maybe his friends would see me and tell him I got hotter (I know: LOL. But I was wearing high heels)...and hey, maybe HE will be there.
But why the effort? First, I suspect he hasn't stepped foot in campus since he broke up with me. Second, he can see those friends in other places, and those friends, most if not all, have graduated by now. I understand the feeling: the same buildings and all, but it's new people, strangers. That place stops being your home and you're a stranger yourself.
I had this urge to cry the whole presentation, I kept thinking about him. And I wasn't angry; I was nostalgic and desperate. I was, dare I say it, bargaining. I took a break to go to the restroom and a part of me was saying "I would give anything to have him back" and "please, give me Joseph back, I'll be a great girlfriend, I know how to be a great girlfriend now".
It took me two years to go through the first stage of grieving, to stop denying a lot of things (while believing I was accepting them) and I've experimented the other four in just one day. Aside from trying to negotiate with a Higher Power, I've been feeling a bit depressed, and I've managed to accept that he's gone, he's married and in love with somebody else and I'll never have him back again. It's tough but that's how it goes.
And this painful landslide comes on what I and other people on my social network consider the most beautiful day of the year so far. Just for the record.
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