Wednesday, 10.06.2010 - 8:31 pm.
Brother #1 arrived from Houston today for a few days, to attend a pediatric congress, and Brother #3, my sister and I were able to keep that a secret from our parents until the last minute. They were so pleasantly surprised and could barely believe it.
I was going to meet up with JC today and once again, he cancelled. He called me and sounded like crap, destroyed by a cold. I think it's a good thing, I had just had a heavy dessert and coffee with the family, and with the things I suspect we were going to discuss, I would have probably thrown up, or feel very sick at least. Thanks to Joseph, I discovered that my vulnerable system (we all have one) is the digestive system, especifically my stomach. It gets revolted easily when stirring certain events and feelings regarding my love life.
Speaking of Joseph: I think I have finished the letter! I have felt so incredibly liberated these days. I've been writing and writing, everything that comes to my mind goes on paper. But by now I think I've cleaned up my message and narrowed it down to the essentials. It's three pages long, though, and I still have to make the definite one.
I just gotta review it one more time. There are many smudges where I've written things that are not worth keeping. I'm expressing how I feel, but I refuse victimhood and I avoid putting myself in a pathetic position. That comes out easily but I gotta rise above it.
I do, however, tell him how I see him and it's not pretty. I'm being honest with myself and I judge him for what he did, although I try to keep the judging of events and decisions to a minimun, because the focus is how I feel, my perception of the events. There are many things that are only assumptions of mine or irrational beliefs. I want to be categorical and so I gotta talk about the facts.
I'll post it here once it's done, because I want to keep it in a safe place. I'll try to give it to CR this weekend and I'm praying it'll reach Joseph soon. I don't care about his reactions. I don't want to hear back from him. Once I'm told he's read it, I think I'll be over this.
This is so unexpected for me. As it turns out, I'm putting my experience in words, something I'd done piece by piece here. But I still found it unspeakable and so I couldn't face it and work on it properly. Last night, I was so relieved because I was certain: this is the closure I need and didn't think it existed.
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