Friday, 10.08.2010 - 11:49 pm.
Today promised to be a very long, fun evening/night, but I came home at the time I thought the real deal was to begin. And as soon as I closed my bedroom door, I burst into tears.
I had two events tonight: one was to go to a bar and see Lighthouse's brother band. I decided against it:
- The place was going to be packed. The best band in the country, playing with another huge band. Some 200 people in a place for 50. I know because I've been there before. I know the hype, increased by Facebook invitations.
- I always say I make the effort to attend these things meet interesting people, and there are lots of those indeed, but I never meet anyone.
- I hate how my hair ends up stinking of cigarrette smoke.
- I have to go to bed too late and wake up early the next morning, because tomorrow I close a case at the clinic.
- I have no one to go with! Lighthouse and CR come to mind, but I still mostly feel alone. They didn't call me to go today with them (they were going, as far as I knew, but could be they changed plans), and I'd hate to arrive and/or leave alone. That'd be putting myself at risk. No, thanks.
So I don't have many regrets about not going. I chose not to, although I would have loved to have a few friends to go with, considering what happened before.
Today was the Psychology Festival at my university. I was dreading it a bit because of last year. I can't believe it's been a full year since I fell in love with JC, when he was on stage blowing my mind. But now, he was going to be there, not so involved as last year because the Festival is carried out by 5th year students, but still in. And he was going to be with his girlfriend, who's becoming one of the popular ones, the ones that have the looks and the intellect. The 5th year kids are the last bunch of students I was an instructor for, and now most students are strangers to me.
Let it be known, though, I had no nostalgia for Joseph, even though I was at the university. Because he never showed up to these psych things; this is a part of my world he never entered, and that was his choice. Congratulate me, anyway. At least some things are still mine and mine only.
I was saying, it was just me. I didn't go with anyone because the people I had in mind (Victoria or Victor2) couldn't make it. And I was feeling very lonely among that crowd of cliques. Also, a part of me was jealous of all thet people that dare to go onstage. I'd told Monica I could play the drums with her today (she performed a song), but she never brought the subject up again and I didn't see her too keen on the idea over time, so I let it go. And hey, maybe being on stage isn't my thing either. Especially because I only played the drums for 6 months.
The worst part, of course, was seeing JC's girlfriend. I think she knows about me. And guess what? I loathe her. I don't know why! I mean, she hasn't done anything to me. In fact, I was the one who got involved with her boyfriend shortly after they had broken-up -please, don't forget the "after" part; I'm not a couplewrecker-, so I understand if she hates me. But why do I hate her? Beats me.
I used to have sympathy and like her a lot but now I can't stop looking at her, at how pretty she is, but I also bitterly. Is it jealousy? I don't envy that she has JC, really. Maybe it hurts me that she still does have him. Just the fact that they're still together.
She did a little dance number. So did JC. He was the star of last year's show and tonight he had a bit of a comeback. I barely smiled when I saw him. I didn't enjoy the performance. I was bitter. I was hurt. I remember last year, I was in awe and I couldn't wait to tell him how cool everything was, and, oh, how it melted my heart when he ran to me at the end of the show, even though he was surrounded by people, like I was the most important person in the whole auditorium.
They're still dating. And it kills me. On top of feeling lonely, without a stable social network at my reach tonight, without a sense of belonging to any type of group, with the frustration of being stuck in a mediocre present (no scholarship, no better job, no faithful boy to lean on) and without the perspective of things changing in the future...it was too much for me.
Orlando, a friend of mine and of Monica's, came to sit with me before the Festival started. JC's girlfriend looked at him and they waved at each other and she yelled "aren't you going to come say hello to me?". And of course, he left my side and went. I thought was very rude from both parts, because he and I were talking.
I crossed paths with JC at the end, when I was leaving the auditorium. I saw him but pretended not to and I said hi to another friend. He poked my arm and we hugged and he said he hadn't seen me and thought I didn't come (quote my mean, proud, blinded-by-anger side: "oh, so you were thinking of me, motherfucker?"). I think I saw in his eyes some eagerness to talk to me for longer, but maybe it's just my usual bruised ego trying to make itself feel better. I said goodbye.
So maybe JC was the real reason why I came home and started to cry. On top of the loneliness and the not belonging anywhere. I let the tears flow, and the words too: "you humilliated me, JC. You played with me, you had your little adventure, screwed me and then returned to your girlfriend like nothing happened. The way your girlfriend looks at me, I know she knows. You're a quick version of Joseph, with the difference that you didn't even take me seriously. You put me in a horrible position and I feel so dirty because of you".
I feel a bit better now, and I'm hoping he and I can get together soon so I can tell him this and hopefully kick him out of my life. I'm not too happy about that, but as with Joseph, I gotta accept the fact that he's hurt me way too deep to try to have even a half-assed friendship, and so I have to let him go.
On my way home, tears piled up when I asked, when is all this going to stop. When are things going to change for the better? I try! I have tried and I keep getting rejected. I apply for scholarships, I'm rejected; I'm never good enough. Boys break my heart in excrutiating fashion and leave long-lasting sequels. I don't see any future for me and I feel stuck in a discouraging present.
I was reading today "Trauma and Recovery" (one of the most awesome books I've read), and it says that mourning is the only way to honor the loss...there's no compensation. In my case, the loss of boys I've loved, the loss of my faith in them and my love for them, the loss of what I thought I was for them and I wasn't. I'm not going to get revenge or any fair compensation for the harm they have caused me. The only justice I can achieve is by having my share of mourning and then moving on.