Numb, discouraged, struggling.
Saturday, 10.09.2010 - 10:57 pm.

Today sucked a lot, as the aftermath of yesterday's emotional debacle. I woke up feeling slightly better, though, a good night's sleep never fails to do that to me. I was also looking forward to my 10 am patient, today we closed the case and it was a happy ending; all goals achieved. That was a reason to be cheerful.

I read the paper over breakfast and saw the obituary of a girl I'd heard of. She was a friend of Lighthouse's and of Angie's, and my late friend Fer's ex. I never met her, I knew about her because Angie and her were good friends. I carefully wrote Angie to give her my condolences, saying I hoped I wasn't the one breaking the news (Lighthouse had written something about that at the end of September on his FB status). She replied saying she didn't know she'd passed away but "suspected" it. And she also suspected suicide.

Add to that some news I read about a brutal series of hate crimes against gays by a gang in the Bronx, and I headed to the clinic with inmense outrage and sadness somewhere in my psyche, because what I really experienced was numbness. I was disconnected from my own feelings. For example, I was driving and someone cut me off. I acted pissed off but I wasn't feeling anything. And out of nowhere, unrelated to the previous impressions, I realized, Gosh, I've been so busy mourning Joseph that I haven't properly mourned JC.

Today is one of those days in which I feel overwhelmed and lonely. I try to fight the "I want to die" thoughts, because I think of this girl and of, say, victims of severe trauma and hey, I'm far from being that damaged. I have no right to stop my life when I've been given the gift of a safe and loving family and friends, a warm home, resources to achieve my goals, and stuff.

I have thought of killing myself, like I said yesterday, over this mediocre and slightly painful present and because I don't believe to have a future. Because I have a lot of empathy -maybe- and I feel physically sick when I read news like the ones I read today. Because I hurt a lot over what Joseph and other boys have done to me (it wasn't until last night that I put in words this thing of feeling "dirty" about JC; in a way, I was someone he cheated on his girlfriend with, even if they'd broken up). I tell myself these horrible feelings aren't going to last forever but I have a hard time buying that.

I've been with a headache for most of the day, it passed when I had lunch with my family and was able to focus on something other than my thoughts. I feel so miserable, and it's probably unfair for people whose lives are far more miserable, objectively speaking (victims of childhood abuse, domestic violence, sex crimes...). And when I realize that, I feel even more stupid and worthless. I don't want to be a drama queen, honestly, but I am hurting badly. Maybe I do have a chemical imbalance that makes everything bigger to my perception than it really is.

I also feel like crap when I see or hear about peers that have gone abroad to keep studying. I feel happy for the ones I know that deserve it. I feel angry when I know it's people who can get whatever they want in the world and/or got there because they knew the right people. And me, I feel undeserving. Always been told how smart I am and I can't find a chance to keep studying.

I'm normally not annoyed by my family because they're pretty cool, but my Brother #1 was pushing and pushing about my plans for the future over lunch and my mother and sister were telling me useless advice, and people sometimes talk like I don't try to move forward.

Like this guy at the university yesterday. I was his instructor, he's graduating next month. And he says, "so, hey, why haven't you applied for a scholarship?". I felt the tears piling up instantly -I see this is a touchy subject for me, huh?-, and I fought them back while I explained to him that I've been applying to several scholarship programs for two years and all of them have rejected me.

All in all, this guy really appreciates me so then he had some soothing words, the usual, but I can tell he wishes me the best and he thinks I've earned it. Later on, he told me he's already been accepted in an university in Spain, to start in two years.

But see, getting accepted by an university isn't my main problem, that's relatively easy anyhwere. Money is the problem. I don't have the money to pay for a master's degree, let alone as an international student. I don't have a high-paying job to dare to take a loan and I'm not about to put my parents in debt. That I'm not capable, that is not an issue. The issue is that the people with the money don't think I'm valuable enough to be given the chance to keep studying.

All this has me exhausted today. No wonder depression is physically tiresome. These thoughts really suck your energy.

Luckily, I went out with my friends Virginia and Victor2 for pizza, and I was able to forget this and get some oxygen. Things don't look that bad after a night out with friends.

So let's not lose the faith just yet, self? Smile and wish John Lennon a happy 70th birthday.

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